6 of them!!!!

i was in bed.
thinking about the blog i needed to write tomorrow.
on February 1st.

FEBRUARY 1st!!!!!

that is a land mark.

remember last February 1st? REMEMBER? when i posted that blog entry about how chase had been gone for six months? well, i deleted that entry because a certain boy of the past wanted to see my blog, so i deleted it. which tells a lot about how these 18 months have gone.

one year ago! i was in new york, just moved to queens.
cold.
no hot water.
rainy.
so homesick.
and still in love with chase.

now here i am.
cold.
in a house full of girls whom i have grown to love.
freezing weather outside, but not raining for days on end (which one is worse?)
still homesick.
and still in love with chase.

there are 6 months til chase comes home.

26 weeks.

i know this because as i was falling asleep, i did the math.

found that it was 186 days (if every month has 31 days....which is doesn't...which means its less than 186 days).


which makes me really nervous. and not the ha ha kind of nervous that i laugh off until 2 days before he comes home.

its the "Hi, I suffer from severe anxiety, so it's different when i get nervous."

it causes my heartbeat to become rapid, it causes me to become QUITE shaky (inside and out). it makes my head want to explode and it makes me want to RUN. it makes me want to run for 20 miles, or 1,918 miles to new orleans, louisiana so i can knock on the missionaries door, ask for "elder busath" and ask him. ask him whats going to happen.
or rather
TELL ME whats going to happen in 6 months. 26 weeks. 186 days (or less).

but instead i just sit here and shake. and worry. and question. and trip. (if you will.)

so much has happened in 18 months.
i've found out who i am. who i really really am.
i've gone from
rebounding
to fleeing
to playing the field
to settling.
and now i've settled again. with myself. settled with being settle and settled with staying home and doing homework, and going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 for work. and having a normal life
normal schedule
normal work day
sans: any boy.

i've realized that i loved chase. i really did, and it was the pure kind of love. the kind where you can watch him doing the thing you hate the very most and you can laugh. laugh because you want to be mad but you can't because he's so cute doing it. the kind of love where you don't want to do anything without them. going to work is hard because you just want to stay on the roof and talk until the next day or forever. the kind where you can sit in a car for 2 hours and just laugh. really laugh. and cry because he's leaving in two weeks and you're both too scared to talk about it and too scared to think about whats going to happen in 3 weeks when you can't call him crying, and he can't call anyone.
and i still do love him. the same kind of love but a little different.
i can 'hate' him for not writing me for 2 months but forget all the anger that had built up right when i see "ALEXANDRA" written in graffiti on a full envelope sitting on my counter.
i can talk to him for 16 minutes but have those 16 minutes be the best 16 minutes that i've had in over a year, and be questioning my decision to send him off and to date other people and to 'not wait' but really actually wait. question it all until i hear him sigh and say he misses me too.
and i can see that face. those bright blue eyes and that "huge smile" standing next to something really stupid but on the back say something like "remember the elephant in the room?" or "i can't wait to bring you here with my POPPAAS PLASTIC!"

but i've also realized that i can love someone else. i can't say i've fallen in love while he's been gone, but it was possible. and it is possible. and that scares me. but makes me really happy. because if he comes home and realizes he doesn't like me, or i don't like him, or it just won't work.
i might be fine.
it might take a few months.....
but i'll be fine. because i can find someone else. and actually love someone else. maybe even the pure kind of love.

and now everyone reading this thinks i'm on drugs or drinking and maybe i'm doing both and trying to hide it because i'm only 20 and that seems illegal, but maybe my anxiety is just flaring up so i can't really go sit still in my bed and try to sleep because all i can think about is how fast this month went by and how all i need to do is times that by six and he'll be home and i'll be driving to his house so effing nervous that i might wreck and not have to deal with any of this.

ughhh.

i am saying a lot of things.

having a missionary is so hard.

but he comes home in 6 months.

and that makes me awfully happy.

8/25/2008 6:46p 4:45

what do you guys think the best way to deal with having a missionary leave is?
because when chase left, he told me he didn't want to hold me back and he wanted me to date and everything. i didn't want to be THAT GIRL that doesn't date anyone while her missionary is gone. i decided i'd do kind of what my sister did. if i'm dating someone when he gets back, i promised myself i'd still give him a chance and see if what we had-we still would have. and so here i am dating all these people, i want to know that i really love him and that i can't find anyone else. it is really scary because i dont want to find anyone else, although i am looking...(all of this is if chase even wants to date me when he gets home.)
so do you think its best to break up before they leave and not write?
have pretty much an open relationship and have the girl dating, but still writing.
or having the girl wait faithfully til he gets home, not having gone on one date?


what i am sure about is, i'm going to do anything i can to not let my daughter send off a missionary.

here are some lyrics from of my favorite songs.

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
Is if I lived 'til I was one-hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even, even after all these years

I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
And even though I may soon feel a touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

when a turtle becomes a son.

normal day.
i walk in the house and much to my surprise, i see a package on the counter from a certain someone! i totally did not expect it, and was so happy. it was about an 8 inch by 8 inch box. sent straight from the ghettos of Louisiana. so i quickly open the package, maybe toss it around a bit trying to find the top and struggling with the tape. i see something covered in towels and am immediately weary. chase has a sick sense of humor and has been known to send me such things as, his companions entire ripped off toe nail, a real alligators head, etc...
so i felt through the towels and could feel a hard shell and knew it was a turtle. i assumed it was dead and when i thought about what it'd be, i wanted to barf. i cant even imagine what a turtle shell with no turtle in it would look like, and i really don't want to.
i looked through the rest of the box, found a cute beanie, some beads sent from New Orleans (missionaries love Mardi gras), a tape, a few pictures and a note.
something along the lines of "hey... i hope he isn't dead. if you don't want him, you can give him to my sister... :S" anyone who knows chase knows that he didn't really say it that clearly, but that's what he meant.
i, obviously, was turned off and just stared at the bundle of towels sitting on the counter. i slowly started to unfold the towels. finally i was on the last towel and hurried and pulled it away. i sat there face to face with the most worried looking turtle ever. and we stared at each other for probably five minutes.

i grabbed my phone and sent out a mass text telling my family that chase had sent me a live turtle in the mail. i looked on the box and it said 8-3-08. today's date was 8-5-08, so he'd been without water for at least two days.

when we were on good terms.

my dad told me there was a fish tank down stairs so i fetched it and brought it upstairs. of course i wasn't going to touch the turtle, so i got a paper towel and started to reach for it. he tried to run but couldn't get a grip on our slippery counter, but it still scared me and i jumped back. i tried talking to him and telling him it was okay, i was just going to pick him up, and reached for him again. a mix of being tossed around in a tiny box for two days, hurt ears from the airplane, and fear of a large white object coming towards him made him contemplate life and he started running so fast that he got a grip of the counter and leapt from my grasp and the counter and landed with a thud on the hard wood floor on his shell. all of this happening to the soundtrack of my screams. i sat there screaming for probably ten seconds as he laid there quiet, not moving. my heart was pounding so fast and i was at such confusion and regret that i grabbed my phone and immediately called my grandma. i said "gran. chase sent me a turtle in the mail, and it just leapt from the counter and isn't moving. will you please come pick it up? i can't touch it." and she said "yes, bye" and was there in no longer then five minutes.

when she walked in, i was standing there staring at my lifeless, unmoving turtle. she walked towards him and flipped him off of his back with her foot and he stuck his legs out. he lives!!! and she hurried and grabbed him with the paper towel and dropped him (yes, dropped him) into the fish tank that was currently empty. he ran around and kept bumping into all the see through walls, bless his heart. so i text chacha and asked him what turtles eat, they responded "greens. fruits and vegetables, but you should probably get him real turtle food." i searched all over the house and only found parsley, and hot peppers....so i gave him some parsley and a bowl of water. right when i put the bowl of water in, he submerged himself in it, which i thought was odd.
i let him hang out in his cage until my dad got home and said i needed to put leaves and grass in there for him and needed to go talk to petsmart about how to care for him. i was leaving for the night, so i just hurried and got some grass and a few leaves to put in there, then i went out. i came home around 1 and checked on "Oscar". my dad had gotten WAY more leaves and grass than i had, and Oscar the turtle had burrowed into them so that i couldn't see him. I'd find out why, later.
the next day i had work until 2, then i went straight to petsmart. i told them i received a foreigner in the mail and had no idea what to do. they asked if i had a picture of him, and of course i did.
250 dollars later, and with new knowledge that Oscar was a water turtle, i sped home hoping that i wouldn't have to uncover his corpse. much to my surprise, he was still hanging onto life. i hurried and put my new tank together and my dad helped me fill it with water. he pulled Oscar from his tiny waterless fish tank and dropped him into a huge tank filled with luscious water and Oscar just sat there soaking it all up, so pleased.
a few days later, after Oscar and i became acquainted and got on good terms, i sent his father a tape. told him he owed me child support, but that our baby was happy. i even saw him eating yesterday for the first time. i don't know what I'd do if i would have lost him when he was at his lowest point in life. literally and figuratively.

in honor of. :)

missions

gotta love the missionaries. i went and played two hand touch football.......with them on monday and it was SO FUN. there were a few other people who werent missionaries but i was the only woman and i killed it. i definitely scored (they stopped going easy on me) and got us some yardage.

the one i'm sitting on is NOT a missionary. he's a convert. they gave me his number and told me to hang out with him and turns out he's a pretty funny guy.

more missionaries.

i recorded a video of elder miles talking. he has a new companion that i'm not very good friends with. elder miles is seriously my bff. i recorded him talking to chase. jason is mad in the video because like five minutes before, i told him i had a boyfriend on a mission. elder miles has a girlfriend who is waiting for him and he's going home in 4 1/2 months.



this is me in my new apartment. i took this picture to print out and send jake....i never printed it or sent it. i think its funny because our ceilings are actually like 10 feet high but it looks like i'm a giant in a tiny apartment with tiny furniture, but that simply is not true.

this was the first really warm, really nice day i've spent in NYC and i spent it running errands all day for work. and i loved it.
and i've learned to stop asking why.

i also got a video of oscar and i chillin at the hudson river. i guess he did warn me about the dead bodies, but i just brushed it off.

funny guy!

chase finally wrote me after two weeks (haha!) and sent an SD card full of love!!
tons of pictures and videos!

sdda bwombbb sdiggee...sdiggee..


AMANDA i made him record himself saying "poppas plastic", but i guess everyone in his apartment was in a bad mood and all trying to sleep so he did it SO half aaa-ed.



the last video is lame until about :30 seconds when he explains why everyone in his apartment is mad and how he laughs. and the end is pretty good because he gets caught recording and laughs so hard.



he would die if he knew i posted videos of him!

I have writers block.

whats been happening lately.


-visitors. i love loved it and hope they loved it. it made new york not seem so bad.
-school school school and miderms miderms miderms.
-a new "branch" with missionaries. that are ready to end their missions after 2 longs years if you know what i mean.
-more male drama, no surprise.
"You have to promise you won't fall in love with me."
-listening to car alarms all day.
every day.

I am going to memorize the dance exibit does when he hears the car alarm.
-letters from missionaries. "I love you AJ and I know a lot of other people do too. Thank you for being such a good friend and always being there for me." love jake, i didn't need to read that as bad as i did last night when i got his letter. love it.
-finding a place to live...and a job. I might go do the personal assistant thing today even though its short notice and i'm wearing shorts....................................................that could prove to be a problem.

i should be packing.

so my dear dear friend, nik rivers, is on an LDS mission in NEW YORK. ever since i've been here, i've been thinking about how i should find his place and leave him a lil somethin somethin on his porch.
i shared this idea with oscar, the native. he said that we had to be friends for three years before he would go to scarsdale with me. scarsdale is 20 miles from where i live. i didn't think that this was far.
well, i text him last night and said "are you sure you don't want to go with me?" probably threw a wink in there or something, because he said he decided he would go with me. he was already up in the bronx visiting his dad so we met at a subway stop up there. we took the subway to the very end of the track, and we were still 6 miles from nik rivers' apartment.
so we left the subway station and walked down onto the street. since oscar knows wassup, he did this little hand wave thing that didn't even involve his arm and a guy came up and said "taxi taxi" so we walked into his car. he opened the door for me to get in the front and oscar was like...."i'll sit in the back with her" so we both got in the back, but had to use one door because there was stuff of the seat on one side.... we get in and he has theee thickest accent ever. we could not understand a thing he said except "mon", so for sure he was from jamaica. oscar kept whispering things to me saying "i feel so bad" and "i can't see a taxi drivers lisence anywhere" he said he had a really bad feeling about being in there!! so the driver was drunk and weaving all over and slamming on his breaks and all this...finally he let us off at 700 white plains road. niks address. and its a shopping center. so i give him 20 bucks and he leaves. we are left in a suburban area, with neighborhoods and shopping and no taxi's anywhere. we went to the address and it turns out that it is a doctors office. some sketchy lady that was in the building said that address was there and everything, but she didn't know an elder rivers and all the people in that building were doctors and lawyers.... so we just walk away.
oscar tried to talk to people who were in their cars, they'd make eye contact with him but they would NOT roll down the window, it was unreal. we finally run into two girls on the street and ask them how long it would take to walk to the metro north ("metro norf", oscar says) and she said it would take twenty minutes....then her friend piped up and said no it'll take fourty. so we were not havin it. we found a bus station nearby and stood by it. it was literally 20 degrees and it started raining. luckily, i had an umbrella. we looked at the time and it said the bus would pick us up at 944. it was 915. so we waited until 946 SO COLD and oscar was not happy. we look at the schedule again and turns out we had been looking at the a.m. time and not the p.m. so the next bus would be at 956. yikes, so we waited ten minutes more and finally the bus came around 10. we got on and it was FULL. FULL of black people. there were hardly any people driving on the roads and NO ONE had passed us on the street since we'd been standing there and every store was closed so we could not figure out where all these people had been. we get on and tell the driver where we need to go. he says 'okay' and we stand, since all the seats are full. everyone is talking to each other and laughing and having the best time-it was a party bus. so we literally drive less than 5 minutes and the driver pulls over and tells us to get out and walk three blocks and there is the train station. (40 minutes walk my eye!!!!) so we start walking the three blocks....which was actually like 6 blocks and horrray, there is the train station!
we meander our way up and ask a bro where to buy tickets. he told us "you better hurry i can see the train coming!!! if you don't get on this train the next one will be in an hour!!!!" all three of us run to the ticket thing so nervous because the train has now stopped at the station. i hurry and buy two tickets with my credit card and our new friend started running to the train saying "i'll try to make them wait for you!!" we have to wait for 10 precious seconds for our tickets to print and they finally do and we book it down two flights of stairs to the train. when we got there the doors (which was really really weird but we were too hurried to laugh about it) were closing ON A GUY working for the train. they were closing ON HIM on his stomach and back and he just took it. when they opened we jumped on and the doors closed right behind us and the train left!!! we barely made it in time!
on the fourty minute train ride home we listned to "last night" by diddy and keyshia cole. its a very catchy song. so when we got off the train and were walking home we kept singing "last night....i got lost in scarsdale...scarsdale...scarsdale.....last night....i met so many sketchy people...people...people " it was so funny.
oscar was not having it because it was 11 oclock and he had been hungry since we left at 8 and he was an ice cube. i told him he'd like the story when he woke up today. i can't believe how many sketchy people we met! i think we learned that we probably shouldn't have gone to NR's house, so God made everyone we came in contact with sketchy so they'd lie to us about where to go and everything. oh and on top of that, while we were waiting for the bus-we saw a HUUUGEE raccoon and it just sat there and stared at us. it was unreal.



p.s. of course i've been in the laundromat this whole time writing it and of course i've been getting the worst looks from all the people in here. i am a minority.