it's a...

girl!

Lucia Grace

third trimester, baby #2! (written on December 14th, 2015)

at the beginning of my third trimester we went to utah to see alex off for his mission! he went to the georgia atlanta north mission! i was feeling good and the flight didn't bother me at all. we were considering leaving at the same time if prim didn't do well on the flight to utah, but she did. i stayed an extra few days and she and i flew back to TX alone! she did great. 

 27 weeks

27.5 weeks

28 weeks, our last day in utah.

  30 weeks

34.5 weeks

36 weeks. Prim's birthday!

 37 weeks. right before leaving for the hospital to get a version performed.

fortunately baby was already head down so they sent me home!!!!

bare belly! 37.5 weeks

39 weeks

39.5 weeks

2 days before due date. getting eggplant parmigiana to try to induce labor.

the night before my due date. went on a strenuous walk to encourage the baby to come out.

 

40 weeks and 3 days. this was the night before i got induced.

the trimester in all really wasn't that eventful. i felt good and was able to keep up with primmy.

i am being induced tomorrow at 4am. i have shown no signs of labor and am currently 3 days overdue. my dad is in town and prim was 4 days late. they worried about meconium with her, so we didn't want this baby to be any later. plus if he/she is born tomorrow, they'll be exactly 13 months apart!

it has been nice knowing exactly when the baby's going to come. we cleaned the bathroom really good (for some reason, coming home to a dirty bathroom REALLY bothered me with prim), got our car ready and are in the process of cleaning up the apartment. this is so exciting! i can't wait for prim to meet her sibling tomorrow! i really haven't wanted to finish this blog because i don't know what my official gender guess is going to be. . . i think i'm going to say boy. i've felt boy the whole time although that's how it was with prim as well until the end. now, the day before, i am still unsure. but i'll go with boy. jon guesses boy as well!

first trimester, baby #2!!!

I am officially out of my first trimester and feeling great! i was fully prepared to be exhausted and sick, sick, sick. luckily, this was not the case. when I found out i was pregnant, i could have tricked myself into thinking i wasn't. it was so different from the first pregnancy, i didn't feel pregnant at all. as i got to week 6, i kept remembering back to how sick i was at this point before....week 7, week 8 and I still wasn't sick. i remember telling amanda and lyndsi that i believed at this point it was mind over matter and if i truly believed i wouldn't get sick, that i wouldn't. (HA) i kept putting off being sick and i never became plagued with sickness like i was before and i can't say how grateful i am for that. there were a handful of days that i felt crummy, but mostly when I was in utah with a lot of help with prim. i also think that taking care of primmy took my mind off of tiredness or sickness i may have been feeling if i was able to mope around and feel bad for myself. i've been reading about other women with 'short interval' pregnancies and they all talked about how tired they are/were. you guys. when i had my kidney issues, i was. so. tired. i couldn't get out of bed and couldn't hold prim because it made my arms too tired. i guess i'm seeing now how those events could be blessings in disguise. i am nowhere near as tired now as i was then. 

 this is when we found out. i was at ashton's house and we were talking about how i wanted to get pregnant again. i was a few days late, but didn't say anything. on the way home i stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test. cassidy happened to be there, so again, she was one of the first people to know (sort of know)! she is the checker so when she scanned the test she looked at me and said "seriously?" then got so excited and hugged me and prim even though there was a line. i went home and took it and it was positive. this is right when we got back from california, so i text jon and asked him to come home from school. he didn't think anything of it because after being together for the whole weekend, he just thought we missed him. i put the test on the bathroom counter and told him to go look at it. he turned around with tears in his eyes and hugged me and prim! we were both in blissful shock.

right when i saw the positive, i ran to prim and told her "mommy's having a baby!" she smiled SO big and starting kicking her legs. later, when i told jon, we asked her if she knew who the baby was and she smiled again and got excited.

 bold to be posting this, eh? this is between 5-6 weeks pregnant. nobody knew. i took this picture to send to amanda showing her how the swimsuit she gave me fits (we're like that). not flattering but pretty much me post baby and pre baby :)!

 at exactly 8 weeks, we went to our first doctors appointment. i had text my ob to tell her the good news, so she was expecting us. as she was doing the sonogram she said "aw, i was hoping it was twins". who would wish that juju on us at this point in life?! the baby looked great and seeing that little heartbeat was really touching.

 celebrating after the appointment at cheesecake.

we told my family and jon's family at about 7/8 weeks and then told everyone else around 9.

here i am at ten weeks.

 11 weeks up at the cemetery.

and 13 weeks!
it took me a few days to get over the anxiety and guilt about having another baby. i got melancholy about taking time away from prim, but i had to keep reminding myself that we wanted this like crazy. we aren't taking anything away from her, but giving her a little sibling that can hopefully be her best friend! we love being parents and love little prim so immensely that we knew pretty darn soon we wanted another one. we have so much love to give these two babies. we keep thinking that this may be our last one, so i'm soaking up this pregnancy just in case!! i am looking forward to the second trimester, hoping to have a little more energy and starting to see a cute little bump (before i get huge). here we go...

and baby makes three.

just kidding, it makes four.

baby #2 due in december!

i feel like i could just burst with happiness and gratitude.
(and yes, he/she was planned.)

a fresh start.

[originally posted on 4/10/15]
being back home with prim and jon felt like a fresh new start although i was still not back to my old self. days when jon was home were typically okay. it was the days he went to school that were rough.

got her dressed by myself for the first time! her grandpa wasn't here to help.

here i am kind of a wild mess. this was two days after coming home and things were not going great. i was in so much pain and had so much going on her first two weeks that either i didn't notice my hormones going crazy or they waited to go crazy when my body started healing. i cried all day every day. jon would walk in on me holding or feeding prim and crying and crying. he'd have to drag me off the sofa to get some fresh air and gave me repeated pep talks. only a few short days of this and he dragged me to my OB to tell her what was going on and i got on zoloft pretty quick.

this is how many pills i was taking nightly and was also a source for my tears.

we got home on monday and on thursday jon decided he needed to go back to school and take finals. i was alone with prim for the first time!

i vacuumed while she napped!

took pictures of her with my flowers my MIL sent me.

and oogled over the darling. she threw up so many times and i didn't know until jon got home that i was using the wrong nipples and she was getting too much too fast. so sad!

my girlfriends from pure posh came to see me, my first real visitors! they were so kind and excited about the baby. i needed visitors so badly, i was very happy they came over.

kathy told us she used to bathe her babies like this, holding their head and letting them suck on her finger. we tried it with prim and she LOVED IT. she is such a water baby. she'd just float around and kick her little legs.

part of the reason for all my tears was accepting that i couldn't breastfeed. there's no way i could have known that this news would have hit me this hard. jon was beyond supportive and encouraged me to get skin to skin with prim. i was still sleeping and laying around a lot and didn't have any energy. jon had to get up with her every night and after a short while of holding her i had to pass her off. when i would hold and feed her i would just cry. i'd listen to jon holding prim in the other room while i laid in bed and he'd read her poems, sing to her and talk to her. when i held her i just looked. for a couple weeks he'd gently encourage me to speak to her so that she could hear my voice. i felt like such a failure for a mother. after i stopped breast feeding i felt like i was replaceable as a mom. it didn't seem like prim needed ME, but that anyone could watch and feed her. i didn't know how to get up with her in the night, give her the right bottles or even talk to her. 

my little baby with jon. though this was all horrible, many blessings came out of it. it didn't take jon long at all to jump into the dad role because he was shoved into it. he knew how to take care of her 100% and he is so good with her.

poor baby's scar from her IV.

i had doctors appointment after doctors appointment. one almost every day. i'd wake up in the night dreaming that a nurse was standing over me ready to draw my blood or give me medicine. i'd out of the blue start crying missing the nurses who were so kind to me and sad for myself about how everything happened. it didn't feel like all of it had happened to me, but to someone else that i felt so sorry for.

jon was always trying to get me to smile. i don't know how he stayed so positive through all of this-it probably scared him to see me in such a terrible state.

maybe this is why. our angel baby.

at her three week appointment prim was up to 9 pounds! this would have NEVER happened if we hadn't decided to formula feed her. i tried to remind myself of this every time i started to get sad. my baby was gaining weight and had a much better disposition about her. 

when jon would go to school i'd either sit downstairs with my father in law or jon would tell them to come up and sit with me. one night john and kathy both walked in while i was feeding prim and crying. neither of them mentioned my tears but just started talking to me and before i knew it hours had gone by and jon was home. i will never forget how much they helped me during all of this.

sweet brittany sent me a get well package/congratulations!!  it cheered me up so much to know that someone so far away was thinking of me and my baby. she (unfortunately) understands a not very fun delivery experience and was very encouraging to me. 

trimming prim's nails for the first time! katie told me to wait two weeks so that i didn't hurt her, but i actually waited over three weeks because of everything. i loved when she fell asleep on me like this!

morning snuggles with daddy.

this is about the time i started to feel a bit better. the zoloft was helping, i was feeling better every day, and jon's pep talks were sinking in. 

addie's friend lauren was so kind and brought us dinner and presents. she has three kids and a LOT going on, but she still took the time to help us out and come visit. 

amanda flew into town that evening and it could not have come at a better time. jon and i were taking prim on lots of walks and i was getting stronger every day. i started talking and singing to our little baby and getting more comfortable taking care of her by myself. i remember one time i was feeding her and crying my eyes out. i looked down into her eyes and it was like looking into a mirror. she had MY eyes, she was MY baby. i am her mommy and no one can replace me, no matter how i choose to feed her. it was a spiritual experience that i needed. 

it is hard for me to write about this because i didn't want it to be this sad and hard to transition into motherhood, but i need to remember what it was like and the support i got from my family and friends. i'm so blessed to have jon's family here to support us and offer help at all times of the day, friends who are close and are new who took the time to make sure we were taken care of, a tiny beautiful baby who i can and do stare at day in and day out, and of course jon who was scared out of his mind to see me so sick and sad but never showed it. i'm so glad i picked him and he picked me.