Dear Jesus,

Thank you.
SERIOUSLY. thank you.

my computer had quite a bit of a melt down on saturday.
I tried putting windows onto my mac and silly me, deleted all of my hard drive.

after two days of it being on the fritz (okay, 1. but it seemed like 5) i took it to the apple store.
they told me my hard drive was deleted, all my pics, music, videos, documents EVERYTHING since last may (pictures since last january, music since jr high...haha.).
They were going to try to do data recovery of some sort. he said it didn't look good, and cross your fingers. he did not lay this news on me nice AT ALL. so the whole way home i just cried and cried and cried thinking mostly of all the pictures from new york i had lost.

so i called them monday and they'd lost my computer (seriously. he came on the phone and said "we can't find your computer."), they eventually found it and said they had someone working on it which means it was shoved in a corner and hadnt even been looked at yet. then i called again and tuesday (they said they'd call me when it was done...they didnt) and picked it up. i was a confused mess when i got it, everything had changed, all my programs i'd downloaded were removed. when i turn the computer on it sounds like a pc (SO ANNOYING). i came home and transferred all my music. it doubled my music so i have to go through and delete 1 of every song, also annoying.
the worst/best part.
they had all my pictures.
PLUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERY
OTHER
PICTURE
I HAVE EVER!!!!!!
VIEWED ON THE INTERNET!!!!!


EVERYONE from my facebook account had pictures on my computer. i seriously had people ALBUMS saved into my iphoto. everyones display picture, pictures i've viewed on peoples blogs, banners from the side of perez hilton for american apparel and antique attire. there were pictures of people i have never seen, pictures from google maps. you know how you watch a video? well every 1 second it took a picture of every video i've seen. so i had a play by play in pictures of the video. does that make sense? i had to go through and delete pictures of little kittens in dog bowls, pi phi and beta parties (thanks jill, i had like 8 THOUSAND of those), pictures of girls kissing their bf's on the beach, and oh P.S.---it added like 4 or 7 or 2 or 8 copies of the same picture onto my computer. so i have to go through and delete all but one of every picture. IT IS SUCH A MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i am so happy that they got it fixed.

and for that, i'm going to post a few photos that i/we could have/would have forgotten about.

oh and also.

this is my 100th post.
:D :D :D :D

picture I found on my computer. never seen it before but refuse to delete it.

little boy i used to tend. i gave him a tear jerker. if any of you have ever had one of those, i hope your mouth is watering, mine is right now. it was the yellow one too. so funny.

best picture ever. i tried deleting it long long ago but by the Grace of God it appeared on my computer this weekend, i will never delete it again. ps say what you will, i can take your criticism. (pps if it is from you, amanda, i'm sure i can find your picture somewhere)

this is the fountain in the middle of columbus circle. one night it was pouring rain and adam and i saw the fountain....knew we needed to play in it. so we got completely submerged in the water and took pictures and laughed and laughed. P.S. new york city is NEVER EMPTY. a group of tourists came by and were taking pictures of us. too funny.

battery park. this group of us walked/rode our bikes alllll day from washington heights, the very top of manhattan to the very tip. 13 miles. it was so much fun, shopping, eating, seeing everything there is to see, riding our bikes through SKETCHYYYY traffic.

i love this kid. this is us at the bronx zoo. adam and i were the only white folk. :) he's just a little taller than me.

adam and i saw this woman at rockaway beach. i think she was homeless, however. she DID have a karaoke machine and she WAS singing to herself. best thing ever.

bees games. the good old days...

every night of my life when living at my fathers. let the pets in. let them eat then take them upstairs. ps i am not going to the bathroom, merely sitting on top of the closed seat.


my friends are amazing.

i dont ever want to forget this.
view from my apartment in nyc.

big girls don't cry. (religious post)

and neither do i.
usually...

before three days ago, i couldn't remember the last time i cried.
usually it is if my sisters are being mean to me (AMANDA) or my dad is making me feel bad about certain billz or getting in a certain wreck that cost me/us $600 or something dad-like along those lines, or its when I'm alone and I'm driving and I'm listening to a song that gets me every time.
it reminds me of that boy.

or those boys.

the boys i really did like but didn't know i liked at the time and now they've moved on to bigger (not literally) and better (not physically) women.
the boys that all started and ended the same.
said that same things.
from Sarah B's "Love Song"
"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear."
which actually ends up being all of the same things.
boys are soo typical but that's not the point.

the point is.

that i cry now.

hi maybe my hormones are off balance or i haven't been getting enough chocolate or maybe I've been getting too much thinking time.
but it might just be because I'm lonely

i mean really lonely.
and it may or may not be because everyone, or almost everyone, but i use 'everyone' for better dramatics, has become serious in a relationship.
but me.

father, best friend #1, best friend #2, exhsboyfriend #1, exwehookeduponcebutitwasoneofthebesthookupseverbf#2, exmajorhistorybfthatimthesaddestabout #3, exyouwishwewerebfgfbutididnt #4, and iwishweeveractuallybecamebfgf #5. (the term bf is used very loosely and applies when he's a man that i hung out with for weeks on end, hooked up with maybe only just once, or really actually dated or really actually became bfgf with.)

so here i am bestfriendless boyfriendless fatherless and therefore distraught and lonely.

in church today, we talked about Christ.
the relief society told us the new theme for our RS.

"His love is ENOUGH"

and i wanted to cry.

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

so encouraging.

6 of them!!!!

i was in bed.
thinking about the blog i needed to write tomorrow.
on February 1st.

FEBRUARY 1st!!!!!

that is a land mark.

remember last February 1st? REMEMBER? when i posted that blog entry about how chase had been gone for six months? well, i deleted that entry because a certain boy of the past wanted to see my blog, so i deleted it. which tells a lot about how these 18 months have gone.

one year ago! i was in new york, just moved to queens.
cold.
no hot water.
rainy.
so homesick.
and still in love with chase.

now here i am.
cold.
in a house full of girls whom i have grown to love.
freezing weather outside, but not raining for days on end (which one is worse?)
still homesick.
and still in love with chase.

there are 6 months til chase comes home.

26 weeks.

i know this because as i was falling asleep, i did the math.

found that it was 186 days (if every month has 31 days....which is doesn't...which means its less than 186 days).


which makes me really nervous. and not the ha ha kind of nervous that i laugh off until 2 days before he comes home.

its the "Hi, I suffer from severe anxiety, so it's different when i get nervous."

it causes my heartbeat to become rapid, it causes me to become QUITE shaky (inside and out). it makes my head want to explode and it makes me want to RUN. it makes me want to run for 20 miles, or 1,918 miles to new orleans, louisiana so i can knock on the missionaries door, ask for "elder busath" and ask him. ask him whats going to happen.
or rather
TELL ME whats going to happen in 6 months. 26 weeks. 186 days (or less).

but instead i just sit here and shake. and worry. and question. and trip. (if you will.)

so much has happened in 18 months.
i've found out who i am. who i really really am.
i've gone from
rebounding
to fleeing
to playing the field
to settling.
and now i've settled again. with myself. settled with being settle and settled with staying home and doing homework, and going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 for work. and having a normal life
normal schedule
normal work day
sans: any boy.

i've realized that i loved chase. i really did, and it was the pure kind of love. the kind where you can watch him doing the thing you hate the very most and you can laugh. laugh because you want to be mad but you can't because he's so cute doing it. the kind of love where you don't want to do anything without them. going to work is hard because you just want to stay on the roof and talk until the next day or forever. the kind where you can sit in a car for 2 hours and just laugh. really laugh. and cry because he's leaving in two weeks and you're both too scared to talk about it and too scared to think about whats going to happen in 3 weeks when you can't call him crying, and he can't call anyone.
and i still do love him. the same kind of love but a little different.
i can 'hate' him for not writing me for 2 months but forget all the anger that had built up right when i see "ALEXANDRA" written in graffiti on a full envelope sitting on my counter.
i can talk to him for 16 minutes but have those 16 minutes be the best 16 minutes that i've had in over a year, and be questioning my decision to send him off and to date other people and to 'not wait' but really actually wait. question it all until i hear him sigh and say he misses me too.
and i can see that face. those bright blue eyes and that "huge smile" standing next to something really stupid but on the back say something like "remember the elephant in the room?" or "i can't wait to bring you here with my POPPAAS PLASTIC!"

but i've also realized that i can love someone else. i can't say i've fallen in love while he's been gone, but it was possible. and it is possible. and that scares me. but makes me really happy. because if he comes home and realizes he doesn't like me, or i don't like him, or it just won't work.
i might be fine.
it might take a few months.....
but i'll be fine. because i can find someone else. and actually love someone else. maybe even the pure kind of love.

and now everyone reading this thinks i'm on drugs or drinking and maybe i'm doing both and trying to hide it because i'm only 20 and that seems illegal, but maybe my anxiety is just flaring up so i can't really go sit still in my bed and try to sleep because all i can think about is how fast this month went by and how all i need to do is times that by six and he'll be home and i'll be driving to his house so effing nervous that i might wreck and not have to deal with any of this.

ughhh.

i am saying a lot of things.

having a missionary is so hard.

but he comes home in 6 months.

and that makes me awfully happy.

all the single babies.

california was a blast. bfs, gfs, single ladies, eating out, new years eve, boys, lots of sleeping, suffering for a whole week with a messy room and cold foggy weather.
amanda and i didn't even fight the whole time! she is the best, and yes we are twins.

we went to chino hills to hang out with our favorite uncle, Brent! and his wife Bev, and her daughter and kids. It was so much fun! the weather was fabulous. we had a bbq (he talked me into eating chicken....), went swimming, played wii and laughed!

i also met up with one of my best girlfriends! stephanie! we met via melodramtic.com in 9th grade? maybe 10th. we started writing each other because she saw that i was LDS. we were then pen pals through melo, email, myspace, texting, facebook and now blogging! our friendship has progressed like the technologies have. she talked me through the ups and downs, the break ups, make ups, the cute things he'd do and the fights and drama of bryson and i. she saw me fall in love with chase and send him off, and shared every detail of all the boyfriends, break ups, and hook ups in between, before, and since. i met her boyfriend this weekend for the first time! he is so funny and so nice. they are too cute together. it was the highlight of my week!

i hung out with john keiter and friends, too. we had a bonfire in newport. it was fun to see people from home in another state, always a good time. john keiter is such the fun starter. i saw lauren and aubrey too, love them.

it was a good week in california! its so fun to go visit there, especially since now i have some friends there, too (okay..one) that i can hang out with when amanda is busy with a bf. (winky face)

when i left california, i flew to las vegas. i met a missionary who was from chicago, serving in new york, dating a girl from las vegas and going to school at BYU-I. we became 'friends' and when he got off his mission we kept in touch via texting. he got back together with the girl who waited two whole years for him, and they got engaged and married! so i went to his reception in LV with some other guys from the mission, it was so much fun to see them. las vegas wasnt too eventful because i was only there for less than 24 hours but i still had fun. and even got to see pam, lindsay, and marissa! they were kind enough to let me stay the night at their house!

this is the only picture i have from las vegas. i dont even remember where we were.

i got home sunday, tired, a little grumpy, and sick. thanks amanda. happy new year everyone ! :)

answer me this...

why do i love a 19 year old columbian construction worker who took me to Montauk, bought me ice cream, taught me how to drive stick and vowed his love to me?

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

being in utah was. so. good to me.

i thought that when i came a. my dad would shoot me and b. everyone would have their own things going on and i would do my own thing. but people actually made time to hang out with me, i really went to lunch with someone everyday and always had something to do at night. i love all my friends and my family it was so so fun.
it is really exactly what i needed.

i love this woman.

so much crazy crazy stuff happened. i'm sure my blog would be a lot more interesting if i wrote about all my male issues.

anyway now i'm back in new york chillin by myself in my apartment with no plans tonight.