2nd trimester, baby #2!!

here i am at 26 weeks. i can't believe how quickly this pregnancy is going compared to the first! i am so grateful to prim for keeping me so preoccupied and happy.

(16 weeks)

i am still feeling really good. my stomach is starting to get pretty cramped and it's not comfortable to bend over. i can squat and pick stuff up, but bending over puts weird pressure on my stomach and bladder. i think this started happening earlier than it did with my first. i keep telling jon "i can't believe i _____ already!" and he says "a.j., i don't think you realize how far along you are." i guess he is probably right. everything seems to be happening earlier, but i think it is just because it was this time last year that it was happening so it doesn't seem like enough time has passed, if that makes sense. i got pregnant so quickly that i don't remember what normal is. hard to explain.

(18.5 weeks)

the summer went by way too fast. we had tons of plans to swim all the time, but that just didn't happen. i definitely started wearing maternity clothes earlier than i did last pregnancy. at the beginning of the second trimester i started feeling fat and not cute yet. my small clothes didn't fit and my maternity stuff didn't fit right either. at 12 weeks i went to the temple store without prim. i was wearing a maternity shirt with my skirt and the lady at the register congratulated me and asked how far along i was. i thought that was pretty bold of her, but figure it was probably obvious because of the scrunching on my maternity shirt. she's the only one who congratulated me for a long time and i think it's because Prim wasn't there. when i was pregnant with her, people were commenting on it ALL the time from when i just barely started to show. now people are afraid to say anything when they see my belly and see my little baby. they aren't sure if i'm still trying to work off my baby weight! 

(20 weeks)

my belly really popped while amanda was here at the end of july/beginning of august. i said "look at my belly!" and she said "yeah, that was not there when i got here" and she was only here for a total of 5 days. now that i've popped and its increasingly obvious that i'm pregnant, people have started to congratulate us and prim. i had expected people to say weird things about having a baby so soon and babies so close in age, but i haven't been offended or surprised by anything that's been said so far! 

(23 weeks)

i worked out pretty consistently until around 22 weeks when our jogging stroller got a flat tire. i was walking at least 3 or 4 times a week and then doing push ups and other arm work outs. since the tire popped i've had a really hard time doing cardio. i only go when jon comes with me because her normal stroller is really heavy and hard to push on our drive way. that sounds super lame, but you have no idea how long and bumpy/hilly our driveway is. it takes about 10 minutes to get from the house to the main road and by the time i get there i already want to turn around, haha. i'm dedicated to getting back into walking and doing easy work outs though, hoping it'll help get back to my normal size after teeny gets here. 

(24.5 weeks)

mid august we went on a gap shopping spree (thanks to emma for the coupons!) for me and prim. i desperately needed post baby clothes and don't want to have to deal with it when i have two babies, no time and no money-ha. we got clothes for prim for her to grow into next year and even got one item for teeny. a little white fuzzy snowsuit that is to die for. we put prim in one her size and lost it. she looked so cute, but it wasn't practical with her crawling and starting to walk. teeny is going to look SO cute in it! this is so far the only thing we have bought specifically for him/her!!

(25 weeks)
while lizzie was in town we got to have our big ultrasound! our doctor prefers to do them as late as possible (we are never in a hurry since we don't find out the gender) so that she can do the anatomy scan when the baby is pretty big and she can see it clearly. we went on tuesday september 1st and it was the cutest thing in the world. it was so much better than prim's ultrasound (i think the doctor was rushed with her). she let us just look at teeny moving on the screen. it's little hands were up by its face twitching and moving and he/she was opening and closing its mouth. at one point prim looked at the screen and giggled. for the most part it seems like she is oblivious, but there are little tiny moments like this where i think she knows more than we think she does. we could see that teeny has chubby little cheeks like prim did and it looks pretty bald so far! (as if we really know) it was really exciting and special that both lizzie and prim got to be there. jon and i are over the moon excited about this new baby coming into our lives. we have enjoyed prim so much from day one (okay maybe like day 14) and can't wait to experience it all again with prim in tow. we are all three so lucky.

waiting for the doctor. she'd always lean over lizzie's shoulder to look at her close up.

there he/she is!!!! i can't get over those eyes and that nose.

(26 weeks)

bring on trimester three!

a fresh start.

[originally posted on 4/10/15]
being back home with prim and jon felt like a fresh new start although i was still not back to my old self. days when jon was home were typically okay. it was the days he went to school that were rough.

got her dressed by myself for the first time! her grandpa wasn't here to help.

here i am kind of a wild mess. this was two days after coming home and things were not going great. i was in so much pain and had so much going on her first two weeks that either i didn't notice my hormones going crazy or they waited to go crazy when my body started healing. i cried all day every day. jon would walk in on me holding or feeding prim and crying and crying. he'd have to drag me off the sofa to get some fresh air and gave me repeated pep talks. only a few short days of this and he dragged me to my OB to tell her what was going on and i got on zoloft pretty quick.

this is how many pills i was taking nightly and was also a source for my tears.

we got home on monday and on thursday jon decided he needed to go back to school and take finals. i was alone with prim for the first time!

i vacuumed while she napped!

took pictures of her with my flowers my MIL sent me.

and oogled over the darling. she threw up so many times and i didn't know until jon got home that i was using the wrong nipples and she was getting too much too fast. so sad!

my girlfriends from pure posh came to see me, my first real visitors! they were so kind and excited about the baby. i needed visitors so badly, i was very happy they came over.

kathy told us she used to bathe her babies like this, holding their head and letting them suck on her finger. we tried it with prim and she LOVED IT. she is such a water baby. she'd just float around and kick her little legs.

part of the reason for all my tears was accepting that i couldn't breastfeed. there's no way i could have known that this news would have hit me this hard. jon was beyond supportive and encouraged me to get skin to skin with prim. i was still sleeping and laying around a lot and didn't have any energy. jon had to get up with her every night and after a short while of holding her i had to pass her off. when i would hold and feed her i would just cry. i'd listen to jon holding prim in the other room while i laid in bed and he'd read her poems, sing to her and talk to her. when i held her i just looked. for a couple weeks he'd gently encourage me to speak to her so that she could hear my voice. i felt like such a failure for a mother. after i stopped breast feeding i felt like i was replaceable as a mom. it didn't seem like prim needed ME, but that anyone could watch and feed her. i didn't know how to get up with her in the night, give her the right bottles or even talk to her. 

my little baby with jon. though this was all horrible, many blessings came out of it. it didn't take jon long at all to jump into the dad role because he was shoved into it. he knew how to take care of her 100% and he is so good with her.

poor baby's scar from her IV.

i had doctors appointment after doctors appointment. one almost every day. i'd wake up in the night dreaming that a nurse was standing over me ready to draw my blood or give me medicine. i'd out of the blue start crying missing the nurses who were so kind to me and sad for myself about how everything happened. it didn't feel like all of it had happened to me, but to someone else that i felt so sorry for.

jon was always trying to get me to smile. i don't know how he stayed so positive through all of this-it probably scared him to see me in such a terrible state.

maybe this is why. our angel baby.

at her three week appointment prim was up to 9 pounds! this would have NEVER happened if we hadn't decided to formula feed her. i tried to remind myself of this every time i started to get sad. my baby was gaining weight and had a much better disposition about her. 

when jon would go to school i'd either sit downstairs with my father in law or jon would tell them to come up and sit with me. one night john and kathy both walked in while i was feeding prim and crying. neither of them mentioned my tears but just started talking to me and before i knew it hours had gone by and jon was home. i will never forget how much they helped me during all of this.

sweet brittany sent me a get well package/congratulations!!  it cheered me up so much to know that someone so far away was thinking of me and my baby. she (unfortunately) understands a not very fun delivery experience and was very encouraging to me. 

trimming prim's nails for the first time! katie told me to wait two weeks so that i didn't hurt her, but i actually waited over three weeks because of everything. i loved when she fell asleep on me like this!

morning snuggles with daddy.

this is about the time i started to feel a bit better. the zoloft was helping, i was feeling better every day, and jon's pep talks were sinking in. 

addie's friend lauren was so kind and brought us dinner and presents. she has three kids and a LOT going on, but she still took the time to help us out and come visit. 

amanda flew into town that evening and it could not have come at a better time. jon and i were taking prim on lots of walks and i was getting stronger every day. i started talking and singing to our little baby and getting more comfortable taking care of her by myself. i remember one time i was feeding her and crying my eyes out. i looked down into her eyes and it was like looking into a mirror. she had MY eyes, she was MY baby. i am her mommy and no one can replace me, no matter how i choose to feed her. it was a spiritual experience that i needed. 

it is hard for me to write about this because i didn't want it to be this sad and hard to transition into motherhood, but i need to remember what it was like and the support i got from my family and friends. i'm so blessed to have jon's family here to support us and offer help at all times of the day, friends who are close and are new who took the time to make sure we were taken care of, a tiny beautiful baby who i can and do stare at day in and day out, and of course jon who was scared out of his mind to see me so sick and sad but never showed it. i'm so glad i picked him and he picked me.