first trimester blues.

To sum up the first trimester in one word: hell? 

The first few weeks I was mildly sick and very hungry but by the time 6.5 weeks hit, I was bed ridden. I am notttt the type to stay in bed or on the sofa watching movies and shows all day, but for one month straight that’s about all we did. Jon loved it! He could watch movies for days!

my shifts at work are either 730am-230pm or 230pm-9pm. My ‘morning’ sickness was especially bad at night, but mornings were awful too. I would wake up and try to get ready but end up just sitting on the rug in my closet trying to get up the strength to put clothes on. Since I work at a hair salon, I’m supposed to have my hair and make up stylish and look like I paid between $45-65 for makeup and between $43-63 for my haircut. That’s a lot to ask a newly pregnant woman. If I wasn’t sitting in the closet, I was sitting on the toilet (lid down..) doing my hair and makeup as fast as I could while I sat. one morning in particular I had slept in, giving myself only 5 minutes to get ready before I had to leave for work. I am always the first one at the salon and the only one with a key to let all the stylists in, so it’s pretty important that I get there on time. I had to eat every hour and a half (not an exaggeration) and if I didn’t, I was pretty much crippled. When I woke up late, I was freaked out because I had time to brush my teeth and get dressed and would have to do my hair and make up at the salon. Jon had woken up with me and I was an anxious mess because I didn’t have time to eat breakfast. He made me toast with butter and sent me on my way. Although he was making me late, he leaned in my window and reminded me to breathe and told me “you’re really worrying me”. I drank water and took two bites of toast on my way to work. About 3 minutes from the salon I pulled over and threw up in the sonic parking lot on a busy street. What interested me the most was the fact that I had eaten almost every hour the entire day before, and had eaten a full dinner RIGHT before I went to bed (like 9pm) and had woken up to eat a granola bar around 1am but the only thing that came up was water and my two bites of toast. That’s a fast metabolism, my friends.

So mornings at the salon were hard as well as evenings, since that’s when I was typically the sickest. I was nauseous all the time and although I knew I would briefly feel better if I ate, it almost made me cry every time I tried to eat something because the thought of eating while nauseous was so bad. Even now, at 15 weeks, jon can barely make suggestions on what or where to eat or talk about food in general because it makes me feel so yucky. I’d wake up almost nightly with hunger pains so bad they’d bring me to tears. Jon was such a sweetie to walk four flights of stairs down to the kitchen and four flights back up to force feed me while I moaned and groaned in the wee hours of the morning. He never complained or made me feel like I was ‘playing it up’ or anything.

We went to Disneyworld when I was about 7 weeks pregnant with my cousin john robinson and his wife kat. We hadn’t told extended family or friends we were pregnant, but obviously we had to tell them!!! As we would be spending four days straight with them and they’d wonder why I was crying in the middle of the night and why jon had to feed me like a little baby 15 times a day. So for three days, I rode rides, took zofran and tylonol as often as healthy and ate. Non. Stop. my cousin is a big boy who loves food. Everytime I had to stop and eat, he ate as well while our spouses watched us. on about day 1 and a half john r. said to me “aj, I’m really trying to keep up with you”. I was very grateful to have an eating buddy, although it did seem to pain him almost as much as it pained me to eat so much so often, haha! He also said to me “I am going to be so mad at you if this whole pregnancy thing was fake and just a good reason for you to act like a super baby.” He was joking of course and I apologized profusely for being a bit slower than I’d normally be and requiring more rest stops for eating but he assured me that I was a ‘champ’.

At the 13 week appointment my doctor told me I should start feeling a bit better. She gave me medicine (diclegis) that has helped A LOT and said I can start weaning off of it within the next few weeks. I’m already feeling better and I can tell because before I came to utah I did laundry, vacuumed and cleaned our room! Man, during the first trimester all I did was work, then come home and moan and groan in bed. Jon would drag me out to go on walks, which really did help. On one walk, we went too far before turning back and I got so hungry that I had to sit on a rock and try not to cry while he hurried home to get the car to drive me to freebirds to get a salad that i don’t see myself ever wanting again.

All those weeks that I was so sick and feeling so unlike my usual self, I just kept thinking about all the women who have had it much worse in their pregnancies. I felt stupid for letting the morning sickness keep me in bed and thought about those who threw up constantly, not being able to keep anyting down. I was so sick, but only threw up 2 and a half times. (half time was when I ate too much cereal then brushed my teeth right after and brushed my tongue too thoroughly then half burped/half threw up into the sink. Not pleasant). As sick as I was, I wasn’t getting dehydrated from loss of fluid and wasn’t making any hospital or doctor visits. In those short weeks that I was eating just to survive, I thought about how emotionally draining (damaging even) a difficult pregnancy would be for those who don’t get better after the first trimester. I was never angry at the baby or angry about being pregnant, however and always felt blessed to have this opportunity to carry this tiny baby. Thinking back on my sad, sick, unrecognizable self, I recall one of my favorite quotes from one my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower. Charlie says "Even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad." And it is true. I wasn’t as sick as I could have been, but I was so sad that I couldn’t laugh and joke around with jon, go out and see friends or enjoy things I’d normally enjoy. yes i could have had it worse, but it doesn't change the fact that i was sick and sad. 

at the time i really didn't feel like i was being that needy during the first trimester, but looking back…wow. jon would wake from a dead sleep and feed me food that i did not want to eat. he'd look at me so helpless and sick in the kitchen chair and just have to guess what to make me for dinner that i could choke down. he let me mope and whine and get frustrated and was always there to listen and encourage me. he's been excited about our baby since the very beginning and always says "i can't believe you're pregnant" when there is a lull in conversation. 

all in all, the first few weeks were rough but we are on the up and up! we're in utah now visiting friends and family and been so fun to talk to them about the future mr./ms. hagerman. we've gotten a few gifts even!!!!!! plus my sister let me go through all her baby items and take anything i wanted, which is not only a big help but is very, very sweet of her.

it is 10:04pm which means its 34 minutes past our bedtime. goodnight.  

4.29.14

12 weeks.

babies on the brain.

if you know jon and i at all, you probably know that the thought of children practically repulsed us for the first three years of marriage. sure, i could picture us having a baby someday. someday wanting to wake up multiple times through the night to sooth a screaming baby/eventual child. but life in san diego was perfect as it was. just the two of us to worry about. taking weekend getaways, going to mcdonalds at 10:30pm even though we were already snuggled into bed, saving money and even spending money on silly things like iPods and fancy watches. life was pretty good with me and my lover spending all our time together, not having to share with anyone.

the first thing that started to change our mind was jon's dad. the man is a self proclaimed grump, but when he is in the nursery at church he is all smiles. it was fun (and weird) to be in the same ward as our parents when we moved here, and sometimes we'd stop at the nursery door to peek in at john at kathy with the kids. the little kids love john and he loves them, kind of heart warming really. 

but what really did it was the ward trunk or treat. it's this stupid thing that mormons do to get all the kids together to have safe fun. jon and i went to ward activities just the two of us for three years in san diego and never felt weird or out of place! maybe it was our matching skeleton costumes or the fact that jon's was a tiny bit too revealing, but the moment we pulled up to the activity we felt like complete and utter creeps. how weird is it that a mid-twenty's couple was showing up to the kids activity and not only that, but dressed for the occasion! with no kids of their own! i sat in the passenger seat giggling and blushing (if i could blush) while watching jon struggle to remove his skeleton outfit to put on regular clothes in hopes of not appearing so creepy. i've never seen the man more embarrassed in my life. not even one of the first times we hung out when he spilled water on the carpet at my dads and he kept saying repeatedly "I'm so embarrassed". unfortunately for him, he really does have the potential to blush and boy was he! his face was bright red and he was not laughing. needless to say, we stayed in the car to change into normal clothes, briefly discussed going to the event, and quickly decided to leave before anyone noticed we were there. that night we talked about why this activity was different from all the kids friendly activities we attended in san diego. we both knew that it was not because we were at the age to have kids (some couples can't or don't have kids until much later and some have four by the time they're our age!), but because we were at the point that we were both ready for kids. it was a weird thing to discuss having a baby with jon and not having either of us cringe and roll our eyes, although there was much nervous laughter.

we were training for a half marathon on november 17th and another on december 7th. i would graduate soon after the 7th, so we decided i'd cease birth control very soon after that. one day after school, jon and i pulled into a hotel parking lot to call the hospitals and discuss their baby plans. after we made the appointment for my iud removal, we just sat there in silence. once we had decided we wanted to have kids, we wanted one pretty darn soon! it was weird to be thinking about having a baby so seriously when for so long it'd been the last thing on our minds. 

so we 'tried' in december and the symptoms of being off birth control for the first time in four years were similar to the signs i thought i'd see when pregnant. one in particular was my hunger. while i was in utah over christmas, my dad (very condescendingly) said "ugh. you act like you haven't eaten in three days!" 

i started my period at the airport in baltimore, maryland a couple days earlier than expected and jon and i were surprisingly sad! again, i started my period in february. i was so emotional that jon asked me if i was upset that we weren't pregnant. in all honesty, i told him no, i wasn't sad yet. i expected getting pregnant to be difficult and to be a long process. i told him it would be alright if it took a few months because it would give us time to save some more monies. 

another week later, we had a biggggg fight. we rarely fight, and this was a big one. jon wanted to buy this old $2,000 truck and i wanted to put that money elsewhere. we were going on a walk together and i was crying so much. i told him i was very, very unhappy and that i wanted to see a counselor to talk out my issues. i really felt like i was depressed and had been for a long time. isn't that crazy how that works? i wasn't depressed, and although it was a very difficult transition moving in with the in laws, i was actually happy to be anywhere with jon. but at the time, i actually felt very sad. well, that was me like 2 weeks pregnant!! 

i was supposed to start my period on a friday and the sunday before that, i told jon that i wanted to take a pregnancy test. when we decided to start trying for a baby, we bought a single pregnancy test that i would take if and only if i missed my period. i had not been feeling like myself (remember our unusual fight?) and my stomach had been feeling really bad. earlier in the week i told jon that if i wasn't pregnant, something was very wrong. so i took the pregnancy test and waited. two minutes later: a faint positive sign. i couldn't believe it and jon couldn't either. we'd been trying for three months?? this doesn't happen. so we went to target to get another pregnancy test and some ingredients to make this awesome corn and jalepeno dip in the crock pot. I’m the first to say that keeping the Sabbath day holy is not our forte, but living with the parents we’ve tried to be better about it (or more discreet?). that Sabbath though, we openly went to target and bought ingredients for an appetizer I didn’t need to make. When I got back, I told john, my FIL, what I was making and he said “just had a craving?” again, if I could blush I’m sure I would have.

 About a week and a half after we found out (and two positive tests later), my dad came into town and we decided that although I was very early on, we wanted to tell him in person. So we did! And his first reaction was “what are you thinking?? (with a big grin)” I mean, valid question. Living with the parents, no real job or insurance and all… he hugged me and said “that’s exciting!” and immediately got his phone out to start researching options as well as pretend to tweet to the whole family the big news.

That same week, john asked jonathan if I was alright. If there is a nice word for ‘complainer’, that’s me. So when I’m sick, it’s hard to hide it. I have perpetual stomach issues anyway, starting from when I was young, but he noticed that lately I had been sick and said to jonathan “she’s just so hungry”. We told his family the day my dad left and I told my sisters later that week via snail mail which kept me bed ridden for a full day thanks to morning sickness/anxiety over their reactions. Katie called first and when I said hello she said “HELLO?” I said “hello?” and she said “hello??? That’s how you’re going to tell me?? I almost didn’t get the mail today!” happiness, excitement and congratualtions ensued. Amanda called me the next day with yells/screams that I could not make out but it was all in excitement! Two days later, lizzie hadn’t gotten her letter yet so jon and I skyped her and told her the good news “face to face”. It’s safe to say she did NOT expect that! I loved seeing her reaction and hearing my other sisters reactions. Kim and alex were next which were also over skype and kim screamed. Very shortly after we told her she asked jonathan very nonchalantly if he could finish his school at the universeity of utah. It was all very sweet and something I do not want to forget.

I had my first doctors appointment at 8 weeks and seeing that tiny heartbeat and little bean move on the screen was surreal. I’d been so slow to accept the fact that I was actually pregnant for fear of miscarrying and some guilt. I still can’t quite understand why it is so easy for some couples to get pregnant, and so difficult for others. Honestly, my excitement was a bit overshadowed by the guilt I felt for getting pregnant so quick. I told jon so many times that I would have tried for months longer if that meant I could shorten someone else’s trying time by the same amount of months. I understand that isn’t how it works and that most women trying to get pregnant would probably encourage me to be grateful and not sorry for the short amount of time it took us to get this miracle of life and I am, I really really am.

The first appointment was interesting and had some highlights like the doctor telling us she was going to look for a second baby because I had been so sick and then not following up with “nope just one” or “yep there is two”. (I had to ask her and no, there wasn’t more than one) another highlight was when I told her I felt like I was already showing and she said “its probably because you’re eating so much”, which was/is true. Everything went well and after that appointment I felt ready to accept that we had one on the way and start thinking more optimistically.

I’ll write a post about the first trimester. We just had a 13 week appointment and heard the heartbeat! It was so fast (155bpm) and the baby was very low down in my abdomen. Hearing that he or she is doing well was just as good as seeing it move at the first appointment. Jon and I are so excited and can’t wait for the next chapter in our lives to begin in the form of a screaming, helpless little baby. Even if that means getting up more than three times in the night.

(and to top it off, we are due on veteran's day; November 11th.)