first trimester blues.

To sum up the first trimester in one word: hell? 

The first few weeks I was mildly sick and very hungry but by the time 6.5 weeks hit, I was bed ridden. I am notttt the type to stay in bed or on the sofa watching movies and shows all day, but for one month straight that’s about all we did. Jon loved it! He could watch movies for days!

my shifts at work are either 730am-230pm or 230pm-9pm. My ‘morning’ sickness was especially bad at night, but mornings were awful too. I would wake up and try to get ready but end up just sitting on the rug in my closet trying to get up the strength to put clothes on. Since I work at a hair salon, I’m supposed to have my hair and make up stylish and look like I paid between $45-65 for makeup and between $43-63 for my haircut. That’s a lot to ask a newly pregnant woman. If I wasn’t sitting in the closet, I was sitting on the toilet (lid down..) doing my hair and makeup as fast as I could while I sat. one morning in particular I had slept in, giving myself only 5 minutes to get ready before I had to leave for work. I am always the first one at the salon and the only one with a key to let all the stylists in, so it’s pretty important that I get there on time. I had to eat every hour and a half (not an exaggeration) and if I didn’t, I was pretty much crippled. When I woke up late, I was freaked out because I had time to brush my teeth and get dressed and would have to do my hair and make up at the salon. Jon had woken up with me and I was an anxious mess because I didn’t have time to eat breakfast. He made me toast with butter and sent me on my way. Although he was making me late, he leaned in my window and reminded me to breathe and told me “you’re really worrying me”. I drank water and took two bites of toast on my way to work. About 3 minutes from the salon I pulled over and threw up in the sonic parking lot on a busy street. What interested me the most was the fact that I had eaten almost every hour the entire day before, and had eaten a full dinner RIGHT before I went to bed (like 9pm) and had woken up to eat a granola bar around 1am but the only thing that came up was water and my two bites of toast. That’s a fast metabolism, my friends.

So mornings at the salon were hard as well as evenings, since that’s when I was typically the sickest. I was nauseous all the time and although I knew I would briefly feel better if I ate, it almost made me cry every time I tried to eat something because the thought of eating while nauseous was so bad. Even now, at 15 weeks, jon can barely make suggestions on what or where to eat or talk about food in general because it makes me feel so yucky. I’d wake up almost nightly with hunger pains so bad they’d bring me to tears. Jon was such a sweetie to walk four flights of stairs down to the kitchen and four flights back up to force feed me while I moaned and groaned in the wee hours of the morning. He never complained or made me feel like I was ‘playing it up’ or anything.

We went to Disneyworld when I was about 7 weeks pregnant with my cousin john robinson and his wife kat. We hadn’t told extended family or friends we were pregnant, but obviously we had to tell them!!! As we would be spending four days straight with them and they’d wonder why I was crying in the middle of the night and why jon had to feed me like a little baby 15 times a day. So for three days, I rode rides, took zofran and tylonol as often as healthy and ate. Non. Stop. my cousin is a big boy who loves food. Everytime I had to stop and eat, he ate as well while our spouses watched us. on about day 1 and a half john r. said to me “aj, I’m really trying to keep up with you”. I was very grateful to have an eating buddy, although it did seem to pain him almost as much as it pained me to eat so much so often, haha! He also said to me “I am going to be so mad at you if this whole pregnancy thing was fake and just a good reason for you to act like a super baby.” He was joking of course and I apologized profusely for being a bit slower than I’d normally be and requiring more rest stops for eating but he assured me that I was a ‘champ’.

At the 13 week appointment my doctor told me I should start feeling a bit better. She gave me medicine (diclegis) that has helped A LOT and said I can start weaning off of it within the next few weeks. I’m already feeling better and I can tell because before I came to utah I did laundry, vacuumed and cleaned our room! Man, during the first trimester all I did was work, then come home and moan and groan in bed. Jon would drag me out to go on walks, which really did help. On one walk, we went too far before turning back and I got so hungry that I had to sit on a rock and try not to cry while he hurried home to get the car to drive me to freebirds to get a salad that i don’t see myself ever wanting again.

All those weeks that I was so sick and feeling so unlike my usual self, I just kept thinking about all the women who have had it much worse in their pregnancies. I felt stupid for letting the morning sickness keep me in bed and thought about those who threw up constantly, not being able to keep anyting down. I was so sick, but only threw up 2 and a half times. (half time was when I ate too much cereal then brushed my teeth right after and brushed my tongue too thoroughly then half burped/half threw up into the sink. Not pleasant). As sick as I was, I wasn’t getting dehydrated from loss of fluid and wasn’t making any hospital or doctor visits. In those short weeks that I was eating just to survive, I thought about how emotionally draining (damaging even) a difficult pregnancy would be for those who don’t get better after the first trimester. I was never angry at the baby or angry about being pregnant, however and always felt blessed to have this opportunity to carry this tiny baby. Thinking back on my sad, sick, unrecognizable self, I recall one of my favorite quotes from one my favorite books, the perks of being a wallflower. Charlie says "Even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad." And it is true. I wasn’t as sick as I could have been, but I was so sad that I couldn’t laugh and joke around with jon, go out and see friends or enjoy things I’d normally enjoy. yes i could have had it worse, but it doesn't change the fact that i was sick and sad. 

at the time i really didn't feel like i was being that needy during the first trimester, but looking back…wow. jon would wake from a dead sleep and feed me food that i did not want to eat. he'd look at me so helpless and sick in the kitchen chair and just have to guess what to make me for dinner that i could choke down. he let me mope and whine and get frustrated and was always there to listen and encourage me. he's been excited about our baby since the very beginning and always says "i can't believe you're pregnant" when there is a lull in conversation. 

all in all, the first few weeks were rough but we are on the up and up! we're in utah now visiting friends and family and been so fun to talk to them about the future mr./ms. hagerman. we've gotten a few gifts even!!!!!! plus my sister let me go through all her baby items and take anything i wanted, which is not only a big help but is very, very sweet of her.

it is 10:04pm which means its 34 minutes past our bedtime. goodnight.  

4.29.14

12 weeks.