a fresh start.

[originally posted on 4/10/15]
being back home with prim and jon felt like a fresh new start although i was still not back to my old self. days when jon was home were typically okay. it was the days he went to school that were rough.

got her dressed by myself for the first time! her grandpa wasn't here to help.

here i am kind of a wild mess. this was two days after coming home and things were not going great. i was in so much pain and had so much going on her first two weeks that either i didn't notice my hormones going crazy or they waited to go crazy when my body started healing. i cried all day every day. jon would walk in on me holding or feeding prim and crying and crying. he'd have to drag me off the sofa to get some fresh air and gave me repeated pep talks. only a few short days of this and he dragged me to my OB to tell her what was going on and i got on zoloft pretty quick.

this is how many pills i was taking nightly and was also a source for my tears.

we got home on monday and on thursday jon decided he needed to go back to school and take finals. i was alone with prim for the first time!

i vacuumed while she napped!

took pictures of her with my flowers my MIL sent me.

and oogled over the darling. she threw up so many times and i didn't know until jon got home that i was using the wrong nipples and she was getting too much too fast. so sad!

my girlfriends from pure posh came to see me, my first real visitors! they were so kind and excited about the baby. i needed visitors so badly, i was very happy they came over.

kathy told us she used to bathe her babies like this, holding their head and letting them suck on her finger. we tried it with prim and she LOVED IT. she is such a water baby. she'd just float around and kick her little legs.

part of the reason for all my tears was accepting that i couldn't breastfeed. there's no way i could have known that this news would have hit me this hard. jon was beyond supportive and encouraged me to get skin to skin with prim. i was still sleeping and laying around a lot and didn't have any energy. jon had to get up with her every night and after a short while of holding her i had to pass her off. when i would hold and feed her i would just cry. i'd listen to jon holding prim in the other room while i laid in bed and he'd read her poems, sing to her and talk to her. when i held her i just looked. for a couple weeks he'd gently encourage me to speak to her so that she could hear my voice. i felt like such a failure for a mother. after i stopped breast feeding i felt like i was replaceable as a mom. it didn't seem like prim needed ME, but that anyone could watch and feed her. i didn't know how to get up with her in the night, give her the right bottles or even talk to her. 

my little baby with jon. though this was all horrible, many blessings came out of it. it didn't take jon long at all to jump into the dad role because he was shoved into it. he knew how to take care of her 100% and he is so good with her.

poor baby's scar from her IV.

i had doctors appointment after doctors appointment. one almost every day. i'd wake up in the night dreaming that a nurse was standing over me ready to draw my blood or give me medicine. i'd out of the blue start crying missing the nurses who were so kind to me and sad for myself about how everything happened. it didn't feel like all of it had happened to me, but to someone else that i felt so sorry for.

jon was always trying to get me to smile. i don't know how he stayed so positive through all of this-it probably scared him to see me in such a terrible state.

maybe this is why. our angel baby.

at her three week appointment prim was up to 9 pounds! this would have NEVER happened if we hadn't decided to formula feed her. i tried to remind myself of this every time i started to get sad. my baby was gaining weight and had a much better disposition about her. 

when jon would go to school i'd either sit downstairs with my father in law or jon would tell them to come up and sit with me. one night john and kathy both walked in while i was feeding prim and crying. neither of them mentioned my tears but just started talking to me and before i knew it hours had gone by and jon was home. i will never forget how much they helped me during all of this.

sweet brittany sent me a get well package/congratulations!!  it cheered me up so much to know that someone so far away was thinking of me and my baby. she (unfortunately) understands a not very fun delivery experience and was very encouraging to me. 

trimming prim's nails for the first time! katie told me to wait two weeks so that i didn't hurt her, but i actually waited over three weeks because of everything. i loved when she fell asleep on me like this!

morning snuggles with daddy.

this is about the time i started to feel a bit better. the zoloft was helping, i was feeling better every day, and jon's pep talks were sinking in. 

addie's friend lauren was so kind and brought us dinner and presents. she has three kids and a LOT going on, but she still took the time to help us out and come visit. 

amanda flew into town that evening and it could not have come at a better time. jon and i were taking prim on lots of walks and i was getting stronger every day. i started talking and singing to our little baby and getting more comfortable taking care of her by myself. i remember one time i was feeding her and crying my eyes out. i looked down into her eyes and it was like looking into a mirror. she had MY eyes, she was MY baby. i am her mommy and no one can replace me, no matter how i choose to feed her. it was a spiritual experience that i needed. 

it is hard for me to write about this because i didn't want it to be this sad and hard to transition into motherhood, but i need to remember what it was like and the support i got from my family and friends. i'm so blessed to have jon's family here to support us and offer help at all times of the day, friends who are close and are new who took the time to make sure we were taken care of, a tiny beautiful baby who i can and do stare at day in and day out, and of course jon who was scared out of his mind to see me so sick and sad but never showed it. i'm so glad i picked him and he picked me.

i am the sickest woman.

so i got the job as personal assistant/B. it is ridiculous, the things i do. i hated it the first two days and thought to myself, i don't need this. but when she handed me that 6” x 2-3/4” hand written, no taxes deducted check of 3 digits (hundreds, not thousands, who are we trying to kid) i realized that walking through the rain all day saturday, getting SO SEA SICK in the taxi's, running here and there being so stressed was all worth paying off my macy's bill in the end.

go to long island for the month of august ("its on the beach and there is a pool. not bad." she continually reminds me) or not to go for the month of august.

as much as i love the dough, being told what to do all the time is not fun. and though there are some good compliments here and there and pet names ("hows it goin babe!!?") the unsuccessful missions are too much to handle. i'd say less nanny diaries and more the devil wears prada. you know how scared the girl is when she doesnt get the lady her coffee on time? or when she doesnt even have time to talk to her friends because she's so worried about making her boss happy? mmm yeah, know what thats like.

about the title. i really have had a cough for so. long. over a month and its getting ridiculous. if i'm not coughing up my lungs, i'm weak and shaky. it sucks because when i would get like that in utah i'd have somewhere to sit down, in my car or something. but here i can't sit anywhere. there are no benches in any stores or on any street. there are usually no seats available on the subway either. i'm soo sick of being sick all the time and not having any answers. except the constant head/eye ache is due to the fact that i'm 19 and still have my wisdom teeth, i'm sure. so i can't complain about that too much, but i only have a few more pain pills left. the point is, dad if you are reading this, please send some pills, strong pills, here with lyndsi. and send a dentist too, anything but a grosso one.