august '09. a bit different than i expected...

well. a lot has happened since i last updated. 

i'll skip the insanity

and post pictures of the end of california/first few weeks back in utah. 

you can figure it out for yourself. 

first of all, this girl came to visit me. finally! she came for jon's graduation...and for moral support for me. 

and for girl time of course.

this is jon at graduation. he went to boot camp for 13 weeks. the only contact we had was through letters. 

Marine Corps boot camp is as bad as you've probably heard. most likely worse. but after three months, he finally became a United States Marine!!

The guy on the left is one of his drill instructors....scary. 

i'd seen jon the day before graduation for family day. they were super strict with PDA and all that. this is the first real hug i got in welcoming him home! after three long long months. once he got released, we got to take him home. no more boot camp! and time to nurse him back to life! so sad... 

bf1, gf1, and gf2. i'm so glad this girl was there.

we went straight to the beach after graduation. (well...kind of straight. we made sure to play dress up in jon's uniforms first.)

what tanline?

after boot camp, jon got 10 days of leave. meaning he got to do whatever he wanted.

what did he do? 

ate AT LEAST a half a pan of brownies every night, fell asleep any/everywhere (he'd seriously start twitching two seconds after sitting down. laying on the cement by the pool, in the movie theater, on the tour bus at the zoo...) and spent lots of time with meee. 

then he got permission to get 7 days of Recruiter's Assistance, so he stayed an extra week! and worked 10-5.  

ah finally reunited! and it felt so good.

so after a fun 17 days, we had to say goodbye again. 

he went back to california on august 18th for marine combat training. he'll be there for four weeks.

he took his phone and gets every saturday and sunday off ! so we can talk all day on those days! and he isnt supposed to, but definitely sneaks texts to me every night. it is sooo much better than boot camp.

we even ichatted today! 

you know his Marine friends LOVED watching him take this picture.  

in two weeks i am going to san diego to see him!  i'm flying in on saturday, and he gets all saturday and sunday off for his overnight liberty! since he's such a good mormon, he has lots of friends and hook ups at the church. some of his older friends, Steve and Judy Vigil, are letting us borrow their car! we are so thankful, because otherwise we'd be stuck on base...fun. he has to report back on sunday night. then monday i think i'll just be on my own? i dont really know what he'll be doing but i dont think he'll have any liberty/free time to see me. then tuesday is MCT graduation. after that we'll both go to the airport. i'll be flying home, and he'll be flying to north carolina for MOS school for 16 weeks.

so its been a crazy few months. he's already been gone longer than he's been home in the months that we've dated. but it is so fun. everyday is such an adventure.

one year ago.

once upon a time, there was a boy named adam.

adam was a football star, funny, and really cute.

he lived on staten island.
adam and i dated.
we had a lot of fun together.

we ate lots and lots of yolato.

we played in the rain and in the columbus circle pond at midnight.

we went to ghetto rockaway beach.

went to the bronx zoo, and did many other fun things.

when i was deciding to move home, i was really really sad.
i wasnt sure of the real reason why i had to go back to utah, i just knew i needed to.
adam was the one who always comforted me.
he continued to remind me not to regret moving home once i did.
that when i got home, i'd probably question why i went home. 
but i had to remember that it was the right thing.

well for a year now, i've wondered why i moved home.
i miss new york every day.
there are lots of reasons. the simple ones,
new york is a really really hard place to live.
its a tough city.
it is expensive.
i was really young.

but yesterday at church, i realized the most important reason why i moved home.
it is because of adam.

and i am so grateful i went back to utah.
thank you, adam, for the advice.
i bet you didn't know that it would be advice against yourself.

big girls don't cry. (religious post)

and neither do i.
usually...

before three days ago, i couldn't remember the last time i cried.
usually it is if my sisters are being mean to me (AMANDA) or my dad is making me feel bad about certain billz or getting in a certain wreck that cost me/us $600 or something dad-like along those lines, or its when I'm alone and I'm driving and I'm listening to a song that gets me every time.
it reminds me of that boy.

or those boys.

the boys i really did like but didn't know i liked at the time and now they've moved on to bigger (not literally) and better (not physically) women.
the boys that all started and ended the same.
said that same things.
from Sarah B's "Love Song"
"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear."
which actually ends up being all of the same things.
boys are soo typical but that's not the point.

the point is.

that i cry now.

hi maybe my hormones are off balance or i haven't been getting enough chocolate or maybe I've been getting too much thinking time.
but it might just be because I'm lonely

i mean really lonely.
and it may or may not be because everyone, or almost everyone, but i use 'everyone' for better dramatics, has become serious in a relationship.
but me.

father, best friend #1, best friend #2, exhsboyfriend #1, exwehookeduponcebutitwasoneofthebesthookupseverbf#2, exmajorhistorybfthatimthesaddestabout #3, exyouwishwewerebfgfbutididnt #4, and iwishweeveractuallybecamebfgf #5. (the term bf is used very loosely and applies when he's a man that i hung out with for weeks on end, hooked up with maybe only just once, or really actually dated or really actually became bfgf with.)

so here i am bestfriendless boyfriendless fatherless and therefore distraught and lonely.

in church today, we talked about Christ.
the relief society told us the new theme for our RS.

"His love is ENOUGH"

and i wanted to cry.

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

so encouraging.

6 of them!!!!

i was in bed.
thinking about the blog i needed to write tomorrow.
on February 1st.

FEBRUARY 1st!!!!!

that is a land mark.

remember last February 1st? REMEMBER? when i posted that blog entry about how chase had been gone for six months? well, i deleted that entry because a certain boy of the past wanted to see my blog, so i deleted it. which tells a lot about how these 18 months have gone.

one year ago! i was in new york, just moved to queens.
cold.
no hot water.
rainy.
so homesick.
and still in love with chase.

now here i am.
cold.
in a house full of girls whom i have grown to love.
freezing weather outside, but not raining for days on end (which one is worse?)
still homesick.
and still in love with chase.

there are 6 months til chase comes home.

26 weeks.

i know this because as i was falling asleep, i did the math.

found that it was 186 days (if every month has 31 days....which is doesn't...which means its less than 186 days).


which makes me really nervous. and not the ha ha kind of nervous that i laugh off until 2 days before he comes home.

its the "Hi, I suffer from severe anxiety, so it's different when i get nervous."

it causes my heartbeat to become rapid, it causes me to become QUITE shaky (inside and out). it makes my head want to explode and it makes me want to RUN. it makes me want to run for 20 miles, or 1,918 miles to new orleans, louisiana so i can knock on the missionaries door, ask for "elder busath" and ask him. ask him whats going to happen.
or rather
TELL ME whats going to happen in 6 months. 26 weeks. 186 days (or less).

but instead i just sit here and shake. and worry. and question. and trip. (if you will.)

so much has happened in 18 months.
i've found out who i am. who i really really am.
i've gone from
rebounding
to fleeing
to playing the field
to settling.
and now i've settled again. with myself. settled with being settle and settled with staying home and doing homework, and going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 for work. and having a normal life
normal schedule
normal work day
sans: any boy.

i've realized that i loved chase. i really did, and it was the pure kind of love. the kind where you can watch him doing the thing you hate the very most and you can laugh. laugh because you want to be mad but you can't because he's so cute doing it. the kind of love where you don't want to do anything without them. going to work is hard because you just want to stay on the roof and talk until the next day or forever. the kind where you can sit in a car for 2 hours and just laugh. really laugh. and cry because he's leaving in two weeks and you're both too scared to talk about it and too scared to think about whats going to happen in 3 weeks when you can't call him crying, and he can't call anyone.
and i still do love him. the same kind of love but a little different.
i can 'hate' him for not writing me for 2 months but forget all the anger that had built up right when i see "ALEXANDRA" written in graffiti on a full envelope sitting on my counter.
i can talk to him for 16 minutes but have those 16 minutes be the best 16 minutes that i've had in over a year, and be questioning my decision to send him off and to date other people and to 'not wait' but really actually wait. question it all until i hear him sigh and say he misses me too.
and i can see that face. those bright blue eyes and that "huge smile" standing next to something really stupid but on the back say something like "remember the elephant in the room?" or "i can't wait to bring you here with my POPPAAS PLASTIC!"

but i've also realized that i can love someone else. i can't say i've fallen in love while he's been gone, but it was possible. and it is possible. and that scares me. but makes me really happy. because if he comes home and realizes he doesn't like me, or i don't like him, or it just won't work.
i might be fine.
it might take a few months.....
but i'll be fine. because i can find someone else. and actually love someone else. maybe even the pure kind of love.

and now everyone reading this thinks i'm on drugs or drinking and maybe i'm doing both and trying to hide it because i'm only 20 and that seems illegal, but maybe my anxiety is just flaring up so i can't really go sit still in my bed and try to sleep because all i can think about is how fast this month went by and how all i need to do is times that by six and he'll be home and i'll be driving to his house so effing nervous that i might wreck and not have to deal with any of this.

ughhh.

i am saying a lot of things.

having a missionary is so hard.

but he comes home in 6 months.

and that makes me awfully happy.

that's the way i loved you....

He is sensible and so incredible.
And all my single friends are jealous.
He says everything I need to hear and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything better.
He opens up my door and I get into his car, and he says "You look beautiful tonight."
And I feel perfectly fine.
He respects my space and never makes me wait.
And he calls exactly when he says he will.
He’s close to my mother, talks business with my father.
He’s charming and endearing and I’m comfortable.
He can’t see the smile I’m faking, and my heart’s not breaking.
CUZ I'M NOT FEELING ANYTHING AT ALL.


BUT I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain. It’s 2 AM and I’m cursing your name. I’m so in love that I acted insane. And that’s the way I loved you. Breakin down and coming undone, it’s a roller-coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much and that’s the way I loved you....

8/25/2008 6:46p 4:45

what do you guys think the best way to deal with having a missionary leave is?
because when chase left, he told me he didn't want to hold me back and he wanted me to date and everything. i didn't want to be THAT GIRL that doesn't date anyone while her missionary is gone. i decided i'd do kind of what my sister did. if i'm dating someone when he gets back, i promised myself i'd still give him a chance and see if what we had-we still would have. and so here i am dating all these people, i want to know that i really love him and that i can't find anyone else. it is really scary because i dont want to find anyone else, although i am looking...(all of this is if chase even wants to date me when he gets home.)
so do you think its best to break up before they leave and not write?
have pretty much an open relationship and have the girl dating, but still writing.
or having the girl wait faithfully til he gets home, not having gone on one date?


what i am sure about is, i'm going to do anything i can to not let my daughter send off a missionary.

here are some lyrics from of my favorite songs.

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
Is if I lived 'til I was one-hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even, even after all these years

I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
And even though I may soon feel a touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

when a turtle becomes a son.

normal day.
i walk in the house and much to my surprise, i see a package on the counter from a certain someone! i totally did not expect it, and was so happy. it was about an 8 inch by 8 inch box. sent straight from the ghettos of Louisiana. so i quickly open the package, maybe toss it around a bit trying to find the top and struggling with the tape. i see something covered in towels and am immediately weary. chase has a sick sense of humor and has been known to send me such things as, his companions entire ripped off toe nail, a real alligators head, etc...
so i felt through the towels and could feel a hard shell and knew it was a turtle. i assumed it was dead and when i thought about what it'd be, i wanted to barf. i cant even imagine what a turtle shell with no turtle in it would look like, and i really don't want to.
i looked through the rest of the box, found a cute beanie, some beads sent from New Orleans (missionaries love Mardi gras), a tape, a few pictures and a note.
something along the lines of "hey... i hope he isn't dead. if you don't want him, you can give him to my sister... :S" anyone who knows chase knows that he didn't really say it that clearly, but that's what he meant.
i, obviously, was turned off and just stared at the bundle of towels sitting on the counter. i slowly started to unfold the towels. finally i was on the last towel and hurried and pulled it away. i sat there face to face with the most worried looking turtle ever. and we stared at each other for probably five minutes.

i grabbed my phone and sent out a mass text telling my family that chase had sent me a live turtle in the mail. i looked on the box and it said 8-3-08. today's date was 8-5-08, so he'd been without water for at least two days.

when we were on good terms.

my dad told me there was a fish tank down stairs so i fetched it and brought it upstairs. of course i wasn't going to touch the turtle, so i got a paper towel and started to reach for it. he tried to run but couldn't get a grip on our slippery counter, but it still scared me and i jumped back. i tried talking to him and telling him it was okay, i was just going to pick him up, and reached for him again. a mix of being tossed around in a tiny box for two days, hurt ears from the airplane, and fear of a large white object coming towards him made him contemplate life and he started running so fast that he got a grip of the counter and leapt from my grasp and the counter and landed with a thud on the hard wood floor on his shell. all of this happening to the soundtrack of my screams. i sat there screaming for probably ten seconds as he laid there quiet, not moving. my heart was pounding so fast and i was at such confusion and regret that i grabbed my phone and immediately called my grandma. i said "gran. chase sent me a turtle in the mail, and it just leapt from the counter and isn't moving. will you please come pick it up? i can't touch it." and she said "yes, bye" and was there in no longer then five minutes.

when she walked in, i was standing there staring at my lifeless, unmoving turtle. she walked towards him and flipped him off of his back with her foot and he stuck his legs out. he lives!!! and she hurried and grabbed him with the paper towel and dropped him (yes, dropped him) into the fish tank that was currently empty. he ran around and kept bumping into all the see through walls, bless his heart. so i text chacha and asked him what turtles eat, they responded "greens. fruits and vegetables, but you should probably get him real turtle food." i searched all over the house and only found parsley, and hot peppers....so i gave him some parsley and a bowl of water. right when i put the bowl of water in, he submerged himself in it, which i thought was odd.
i let him hang out in his cage until my dad got home and said i needed to put leaves and grass in there for him and needed to go talk to petsmart about how to care for him. i was leaving for the night, so i just hurried and got some grass and a few leaves to put in there, then i went out. i came home around 1 and checked on "Oscar". my dad had gotten WAY more leaves and grass than i had, and Oscar the turtle had burrowed into them so that i couldn't see him. I'd find out why, later.
the next day i had work until 2, then i went straight to petsmart. i told them i received a foreigner in the mail and had no idea what to do. they asked if i had a picture of him, and of course i did.
250 dollars later, and with new knowledge that Oscar was a water turtle, i sped home hoping that i wouldn't have to uncover his corpse. much to my surprise, he was still hanging onto life. i hurried and put my new tank together and my dad helped me fill it with water. he pulled Oscar from his tiny waterless fish tank and dropped him into a huge tank filled with luscious water and Oscar just sat there soaking it all up, so pleased.
a few days later, after Oscar and i became acquainted and got on good terms, i sent his father a tape. told him he owed me child support, but that our baby was happy. i even saw him eating yesterday for the first time. i don't know what I'd do if i would have lost him when he was at his lowest point in life. literally and figuratively.

in honor of. :)

happy birthday to us.

one year ago.

funny guy!

chase finally wrote me after two weeks (haha!) and sent an SD card full of love!!
tons of pictures and videos!

sdda bwombbb sdiggee...sdiggee..


AMANDA i made him record himself saying "poppas plastic", but i guess everyone in his apartment was in a bad mood and all trying to sleep so he did it SO half aaa-ed.



the last video is lame until about :30 seconds when he explains why everyone in his apartment is mad and how he laughs. and the end is pretty good because he gets caught recording and laughs so hard.



he would die if he knew i posted videos of him!