new-new baby

on may 1st, we got to see the new-new baby! (hehe)

we've taken to calling him/her teeny! we aren't finding out the gender, so it'll be another exciting surprise!

it was amazing to see this tiny thing with a heartbeat moving around on the screen. i felt a huge sense of relief seeing signs of life and it helped me become even more excited about baby #2.

after the sonogram we went to la cantera mall to celebrate. we got appetizers at cheesecake factory and had a burger at kona grill. primmy started to get a bit fussy so we took turns eating while the other held her. she is such a sweet baby, she is so well behaved. 

we posted this picture on prim's photo stream for family and close friends and jon posted it on insta (i deleted my instagram). i think we took a lot of people off guard! at this point Primrose was only 5 and a half months old. she's so cute and tiny and nice and funny that we couldn't resist trying for another. we are all three (we assume) so excited!!

jon loves doing this with her in sacrament meeting or making her laugh. i usually try to tell him to stop and without fail somebody always comes up to us after sacrament meeting to tell us how cute her laugh is or how they loved hearing her little noises...irreverence is cute for now!

on cinco de mayo we expiremented with a new food: turkey and vegetables. ahh so funny and so sad! her shuddering and gagging tells me she didn't like it, but she never denied it, soo....

usually bandit stays pretty far away from prim, but when he gets desperate for attention he'll come sit by us when i'm feeding her. (i love her eating noises) 

this was one of her first foods besides mashed baby food. we were at her aunt kaitlyn's house.

rolling around and being cute at work

on may 8th we were heading to utah (alone!). this was her suitcase before i even started on the clothes and accessories. eeeee yikes.
daddy went straight to moab after dropping us off at the airport. prim did so good on the flight and everyone was kind and encouraging. it is a beautiful thing to be reminded that there are good people in the world. this man even held her for me while i used the restroom. don't worry, he looked super trustworthy, heh heh heh... i figured not much could go wrong since like five people heard him offer, i took max 45 seconds and he was locked on an airplane. turns out i was right!

RIP Bentley.

this is so hard to write. but i can't stop thinking about it.

this morning i found out one of my friends had passed away.

three months ago.

and i JUST found out.

amanda introduced me to bentley.

i was a senior in high school. they lived on the same floor in the dorms at the U.

we hung out a bit while bryson and i were OFF, which was rare (ha.)

during that time, i found a book of mormon in his room. he said that some girl gave it to him. he'd never read it.

i wrote my testimony in it.

and the scripture john 1:5

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." i wrote about the prophet Joseph Smith. we went a couple years without seeing each other. he'd call every once and awhile and leave a message. his voice was so cute. unmistakable. he'd text every once and while, inviting me to a party. bentley was drunk 90 percent of the time that i saw him. he cursed like a sailor. he took me to my first college party at the u. i was 17. he never once asked me to drink. but i have never met anyone else more philosophical than Bentley. every time i hung out with him, he would ask about the church. i don't know how many LDS people he knew, but he didn't seem afraid to talk about it. and wasn't afraid to test me. WHY do you believe it? WHAT do you believe? what happens if this... what do you think about these people... what's wrong with just leading a good life? he made me question the church so many times. and i am so grateful for that. 3 years after writing in his BOM, he would still bring up how i wrote in it. he moved around a few times and took it with him every time he moved. he even came to church with me once. and he made me soo insecure. he asked me why everyone used their phones during class and during sacrament meeting. he was appalled at how disrespectful people were. he asked me why some of the boys wore white shirts and suits, and some of them wore colored shirts. and he asked me so many other difficult questions. he never settled with an "I don't know." or "I'm not sure..." i can't really explain the boy. he traveled all around the world. studied philosophy. graduated with a bachelor's in may from the U. hiked, climbed, sailed. he made me try escargot. wasn't afraid to make you feel inadequate. i'm sorry that i didn't know you were supposed to put the napkin on your lap right when you sat down, not just when you got your food. i wrote his friend to find out what had happened. Bentley killed himself. its such a terrible twist to the story. why didn't i contact him more? why did i stop taking him to church? i thought that he wanted to go just because he liked me,  so i stopped talking to him. what if i hadn't have done that? what if that was all he needed? what could i have done differently, and why didn't i do it? and worst of all... why...WHY did it take me so long to figure out he was gone? i could have never guessed that he would do this. i knew all day today that he had died, i just didn't know how. and all day, i kept thinking. i kept thinking about when people die young. most of the time, when you talk to their friends and family, they can tell you that they saw signs, looking back, that they would die early. they would talk about after they die. or they would simply live every single day as if it was their last. Bentley is no exception. he questioned everything about life. i looked at his facebook and read the comments his friends have left him since he left. he impacted everyone he spoke to. he would ask questions and really listen to the answers. he would make you think and make you ponder. make you question your beliefs, to see if thats what you really believed. i am talking like he was my best friend. he was not. since he left, i have thought about texting him once.  one time in over 4 months. but he is my only friend who has died.  and it scares me, and really makes me think. life can get taken away from you so swiftly. and people who you would never expect, could be suffering.  suffering so much that they feel they can't go on. my thoughts are all bejumbled. i don't mean to preach. i know that heavenly father wants us to help each other, thats what we are all here for. to listen to each others problems, and be sensitive. because none of us can handle this life alone. i know that bentley's now in a better place. i really hope that i was right about all the stuff we talked about. i'd hate to think that i was wrong, because i know that he won't let me get away with it. i also know that we all have our own stories. God knows them all perfectly. we're all going to get judged differently. i really believe that he's not going to count how many times we lied and how many drinks we had. its not about how many rated R movies we didn't watch, and whether or not we had sex before we were married. it'll probably be a nice sit down conversation, to discuss why we did certain things when we did and how we did them. it seems like a pleasant enough conversation and oddly enough, i kind of look forward to it. and until then, i'm going to try to live my life to the very fullest! and if you need to talk, please write me. because listening to your problems makes me feel better than complaining about all of mine. :)

FAITH

"It isn't as bad as you somethings think it is.

It all works out.

Don't worry.

I say that to myself every morning.

It all works out in the end.

Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us.

He will not forsake us.

If we put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy if His blessings,

He will hear our prayers."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

big girls don't cry. (religious post)

and neither do i.
usually...

before three days ago, i couldn't remember the last time i cried.
usually it is if my sisters are being mean to me (AMANDA) or my dad is making me feel bad about certain billz or getting in a certain wreck that cost me/us $600 or something dad-like along those lines, or its when I'm alone and I'm driving and I'm listening to a song that gets me every time.
it reminds me of that boy.

or those boys.

the boys i really did like but didn't know i liked at the time and now they've moved on to bigger (not literally) and better (not physically) women.
the boys that all started and ended the same.
said that same things.
from Sarah B's "Love Song"
"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear."
which actually ends up being all of the same things.
boys are soo typical but that's not the point.

the point is.

that i cry now.

hi maybe my hormones are off balance or i haven't been getting enough chocolate or maybe I've been getting too much thinking time.
but it might just be because I'm lonely

i mean really lonely.
and it may or may not be because everyone, or almost everyone, but i use 'everyone' for better dramatics, has become serious in a relationship.
but me.

father, best friend #1, best friend #2, exhsboyfriend #1, exwehookeduponcebutitwasoneofthebesthookupseverbf#2, exmajorhistorybfthatimthesaddestabout #3, exyouwishwewerebfgfbutididnt #4, and iwishweeveractuallybecamebfgf #5. (the term bf is used very loosely and applies when he's a man that i hung out with for weeks on end, hooked up with maybe only just once, or really actually dated or really actually became bfgf with.)

so here i am bestfriendless boyfriendless fatherless and therefore distraught and lonely.

in church today, we talked about Christ.
the relief society told us the new theme for our RS.

"His love is ENOUGH"

and i wanted to cry.

Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

so encouraging.

confessions of a new york resident.

.i honestly. HONESTLY contemplate frequently if i should wear a pair of underwear one day, and turn it inside out the next day to reduce my laundry load. i haven't done it yet.
.in church (and everywhere else) sirens were BLARING. and everyone in the room acted normal like they didn't notice. i acted normal but i DID notice. and the sirens bounced all around inside my head and drove me crazy. it drove me more crazy that no one else seemed bothered.
.the only time i've felt really comfortable is at church, and last night at fhe when i was talking to a man from provo. he's only been here ten days and misses utah so much. we talked about how much we miss the mountains, blue skies, and how much we love the office. we then continued to say our favorite quotes like- "I'M A PRETTY NORMAL GUY. I DO ONE WEIRD THING: I LIKE TO GO IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM FOR NUMBER TWO. I'VE BEEN CAUGHT SEVERAL TIMES, AND I HAVE PAID DEARLY."
.i am often hungry becuase i don't want to go through the food my dad bought me too quickly.
.i've realized that there are the same types of people everywhere you go.
.if you tell a new yorker something weird that happened here, they say "well welcome to new york! hahahahah" and its REALLY almost as bad as "well at least its a dry heat!! :D:D:D"