RIP Bentley.

this is so hard to write. but i can't stop thinking about it.

this morning i found out one of my friends had passed away.

three months ago.

and i JUST found out.

amanda introduced me to bentley.

i was a senior in high school. they lived on the same floor in the dorms at the U.

we hung out a bit while bryson and i were OFF, which was rare (ha.)

during that time, i found a book of mormon in his room. he said that some girl gave it to him. he'd never read it.

i wrote my testimony in it.

and the scripture john 1:5

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." i wrote about the prophet Joseph Smith. we went a couple years without seeing each other. he'd call every once and awhile and leave a message. his voice was so cute. unmistakable. he'd text every once and while, inviting me to a party. bentley was drunk 90 percent of the time that i saw him. he cursed like a sailor. he took me to my first college party at the u. i was 17. he never once asked me to drink. but i have never met anyone else more philosophical than Bentley. every time i hung out with him, he would ask about the church. i don't know how many LDS people he knew, but he didn't seem afraid to talk about it. and wasn't afraid to test me. WHY do you believe it? WHAT do you believe? what happens if this... what do you think about these people... what's wrong with just leading a good life? he made me question the church so many times. and i am so grateful for that. 3 years after writing in his BOM, he would still bring up how i wrote in it. he moved around a few times and took it with him every time he moved. he even came to church with me once. and he made me soo insecure. he asked me why everyone used their phones during class and during sacrament meeting. he was appalled at how disrespectful people were. he asked me why some of the boys wore white shirts and suits, and some of them wore colored shirts. and he asked me so many other difficult questions. he never settled with an "I don't know." or "I'm not sure..." i can't really explain the boy. he traveled all around the world. studied philosophy. graduated with a bachelor's in may from the U. hiked, climbed, sailed. he made me try escargot. wasn't afraid to make you feel inadequate. i'm sorry that i didn't know you were supposed to put the napkin on your lap right when you sat down, not just when you got your food. i wrote his friend to find out what had happened. Bentley killed himself. its such a terrible twist to the story. why didn't i contact him more? why did i stop taking him to church? i thought that he wanted to go just because he liked me,  so i stopped talking to him. what if i hadn't have done that? what if that was all he needed? what could i have done differently, and why didn't i do it? and worst of all... why...WHY did it take me so long to figure out he was gone? i could have never guessed that he would do this. i knew all day today that he had died, i just didn't know how. and all day, i kept thinking. i kept thinking about when people die young. most of the time, when you talk to their friends and family, they can tell you that they saw signs, looking back, that they would die early. they would talk about after they die. or they would simply live every single day as if it was their last. Bentley is no exception. he questioned everything about life. i looked at his facebook and read the comments his friends have left him since he left. he impacted everyone he spoke to. he would ask questions and really listen to the answers. he would make you think and make you ponder. make you question your beliefs, to see if thats what you really believed. i am talking like he was my best friend. he was not. since he left, i have thought about texting him once.  one time in over 4 months. but he is my only friend who has died.  and it scares me, and really makes me think. life can get taken away from you so swiftly. and people who you would never expect, could be suffering.  suffering so much that they feel they can't go on. my thoughts are all bejumbled. i don't mean to preach. i know that heavenly father wants us to help each other, thats what we are all here for. to listen to each others problems, and be sensitive. because none of us can handle this life alone. i know that bentley's now in a better place. i really hope that i was right about all the stuff we talked about. i'd hate to think that i was wrong, because i know that he won't let me get away with it. i also know that we all have our own stories. God knows them all perfectly. we're all going to get judged differently. i really believe that he's not going to count how many times we lied and how many drinks we had. its not about how many rated R movies we didn't watch, and whether or not we had sex before we were married. it'll probably be a nice sit down conversation, to discuss why we did certain things when we did and how we did them. it seems like a pleasant enough conversation and oddly enough, i kind of look forward to it. and until then, i'm going to try to live my life to the very fullest! and if you need to talk, please write me. because listening to your problems makes me feel better than complaining about all of mine. :)