home from the hospital. sort of.

well, we got home from the hospital late on tuesday night and the next few days were nothing short of a blur. 

wednesday:

[originally posted on 2/19/15]

prim was still in the sleepy state and didn't open her eyes much. my dad and katie went to the gun range with my FIL while jon and i took the baby on her first walk!

i would daydream about taking my baby on walks my whole pregnancy, i couldn't wait to bundle her up in jon's old pram and get fresh air for both of us. we didn't walk very far, but it was nice to be out together as a family. it's not easy posting photos of me from this week, but i feel it is important. i scare myself when i look at them.

here is a proud daddy! he can't wait until little primmy can off road and camp with us!

on thursday the little darling had her first pediatric appointment:

i can't remember why, but i was crying when jon took this photo of us.

she weighed 7lbs 8oz. it is normal for babies to lose weight in the first couple weeks of life, but there is a point when you start to worry.

she cried during most of her appointment and the nurse practitioner assured us that her weight loss was okay. she was also a lactation consultant and said that if we came back next week she'd help me out. prim was starting to cry any time she was awake and breastfeeding was becoming very challenging. i was using a nipple shield and dousing the shield with grape flavored gas drops so that prim would latch. she'd scream so much that her mouth was bone dry. i'd dip my finger in water, rub it in her mouth and try to get her to latch. 

flowers from my dad. :)

later that day katie and my dad made me get ready so that they could take pictures of me. i tried to hurry while i got ready, but i didn't want to do anything except lay in bed. the pictures were intended for the baby shower my aunt threw me while we were in utah in december, but they didn't actually get used.

the four of us took the baby on a walk, a little further this time, through the neighborhood in the nice weather. 

by this time, jon and i were both exhausted and worn out. prim cried all day long and all through the night. my in laws are up at random times through the night on the regular, so after i would feed prim i'd text them and john would be up to take her to their room. he'd bring her back to me when she got hungry. on thursday night i had another shiver fit. i have a video jon took of me, deep heavy breathing, speaking incomprehensibly-i will spare you all. it was followed by a sweatfest. this is about the time jon started to have a breakdown of his own, so i told him to sleep in the guest room and let katie sleep with me. she and i laid in the bed with prim in between us and talked until we all fell asleep. at 7 am, i had a baby who was inconsolable. i finally took her outside, put her in her buggy, and pushed her around the circle wearing nothing but a diaper and a hat (the baby, not me). jon was asleep in the guest room at this time, so his dad came out and walked with me. he and i said nothing as i pushed my screaming, naked baby around and around our driveway. jon didn't wake up until 11am. he said when he looked at his watch and saw the time he was scared to come up to our room knowing i'd be mad at him. i didn't want to be upset, i knew he needed the sleep as much as i did, but i couldn't help but be jealous of his night of rest. that morning he decided to suck it up and go into deployment mode, he knew he didn't need sleep and complaining wouldn't help a thing. 

friday:

my dad slept at the grandparents house next door and would come over at about 9am. he'd get prim up, pick out an outfit and get her dressed everyday so jon and i could stay in bed. such a saint.

"do you ever forget that her name is prim?"

"i passed out while i was feeding her, twice. i didn't fall asleep, i actually lost consciousness." 

these are some of the things i remember saying to jon. i would close my eyes and have conversations with people out loud, open my eyes and they wouldn't be standing in front of me like they were when my eyes were closed. i kept telling jon over and over that something was wrong with my phone, it wasn't texting right. my eyes couldn't focus and my fingers wouldn't touch the right keys, i couldn't text anybody and thought that it was the phones fault. i would speak and jon wouldn't be able to understand what i was saying. he knew these things were weird, but just thought that i was even more tired than he was. i'd had two of those crazy shiver fits since being home. during one of them, jon fetched his dad to help give me a blessing. they put their hands on my head and jon started bawling. after the blessing and after falling asleep, i woke up to jon crying next to me. i was so exhausted that i couldn't console him or even say anything. i felt so lethargic, especially when i was in and out of sleep during the nights. he was so scared seeing me in such a state, these were bad, bad times.

we wanted to show my dad and sister jon's school, so on friday we packed up and made the trek out to his campus! it was raining and cold, we thought it was supposed to be a nice day so we didn't take jackets. i was wearing sandals and immediately got nervous about the weather, i knew all too well what would happen if i got cold. this time i wasn't home, though. we walked all the way to the bookstore and began shopping around. i was getting chilled and asked jon to please buy me a sweater. i kept asking my dad if i could just push prim back to the car and have them meet me there. i couldn't walk very fast and knew they'd catch up to me in no time, but he kept telling me no and that they were almost ready to go. the day they made me get out of bed and get dressed for pictures, this friday when they took me away from home to walk around jon's campus: they weren't being mean. they thought that i was being lazy and needed fresh air, no one knew how sick i was. i didn't know that this wasn't normal for a new mom, everything as horrible and i thought thats just how it was for everybody.

 jon bought me a hoodie and we all hurried back to the car just in time for me to have a freeze out. this whole situation was horrible because my dad and katie both get carsick very easily and were crammed into the back with prim's carseat. the heat was on full blast while i sat shivering in the front. we were in the horrible san antonio traffic and we were all hungry-lets just say it was not a fun evening for anybody. 

Prim was 6 days old on friday and we realized she hadn't even had a bath yet! we bathed her while she screamed and my dad and katie looked on. 

we put her in jon's baby outfit and jon sat on the yoga ball and talked to her for forty minutes. he told her all about his land cruiser, moab, disneyland, etc. i laid in bed watching him with her, she wouldn't take her eyes off of him. 

saturday:

katie's birthday!!! she and my dad went to the caverns near our house and to the gun range to celebrate.

while they were out, i made katie a texas sheet cake! she's never liked birthday cake, so all growing up my gran would make a sheet cake on her birthday. she shot guns, rode the horse, went site seeing, had texas sheet cake and rudy's barbecue for dinner. it was a very texan birthday indeed!

sitting on this wooden chair was the worst. i was in so much pain in my vagina and most importantly, my lower back. jon's dad sits in a comfy office chair at the dinner table. he let me sit on it most of the time while i was pregnant and now that i wasn't, i didn't feel right about taking it from him. jon made me though, he knew how much pain i was in. i couldn't get comfortable on that chair either and didn't stay downstairs for long.

katie made this onsie for our mystery gendered baby and gave it to me for my first month of pregnancy!
saturday:

katie was supposed to leave on friday so that she could be home for her birthday, but she extended her flight to be with us until sunday. i was so happy she did, but i didn't want her to leave on sunday either. before she left, we took the bows out and shot them. that is one of my favorite things, but i could only shoot it a couple times. katie liked it and my dad got a bullseye! she left at about 11am and i spent the rest of the day in bed. Ashton and aaron came over in the afternoon and brought smash burger to us. i remember eating half of my burger and discreetly folding the rest up in the wrap, i felt guilty not finishing the food they gave us. the boys went out to the back to shoot the bow and arrows and ashton and i sat on my bed and talked. my lips were chapped and my mouth was so dry i could barely talk. i was so exhausted and disoriented that keeping up with the conversation was extremely difficult. nothing i was trying to say was coming out right and i kept thinking that ashton was going to think i was insane. 

my dad took these while i grumbled from bed. i kept trying to tell them to get my engagement ring for the pictures, but neither of them paid attention to me.
sunday night was by far the worst. i had so much pain radiating from my back that i slept out in our living room on the sofa so i could sleep on my side. my in laws had the baby all night, john would bring her up to me every few hours so that i could feed her and i'd just cry and cry. he definitely saw me at my worst. he was exhausted too, but tried not to show it. my jon was exhausted and couldn't do anything to help. he slept out on the sofa with me.
i should include that during this week i hadn't been drinking or eating, though it is not something i noticed. one morning john offered to bring me breakfast and i requested half an egg on half a piece of toast. he questioned this and i reiterated it to him. katie saw him making it for me and was very worried. i knew i had to be hydrating myself in order to be successful breastfeeding, and i truly thought i was. my mouth was so dry that talking was difficult and my lips have never been so chapped in my life. my vicodin had run out mid-week and i started taking as much ibuprofen as i could. i had alarms set all throughout the day so that i knew exactly when i could get another dose.
monday:

(these pictures are so funny to me. my dad bought me this wrap and kept trying to get me to try it on. i didn't have the strength to stand up for very long to figure it out, so he watched youtube videos and put it on himself.)

this was the day that everything finally came to a head. i was supposed to have a webcam job interview with my sister in laws company as well as a vet appointment for my dog. that morning, like every other morning, it took everything in me to get out of bed and put clothes on. i remember walking to the bathroom and looking at myself hunched over in the mirror. out loud i said "dad. this is NOT normal. i am over a week postpartum, i should be able to stand up straight." that's when he said "call the doctor." i called and set up appointment with a random doctor at my ob. i did my hair and make up, got dressed from the waist up (hey, it was an interview over the computer, he wouldn't know i was wearing leggings), and packed prim's diaper bag. everything was still sort of a mess because my interview was supposed to be like 45 minutes after my appointment, so my dad and jon were going to drop me off and find a starbucks that had good internet so i could interview right after my appointment. 

sitting in the waiting room by myself, i started to cry. prim was out in the parking lot with my dad and husband and i was upstairs alone for the first time in almost a year. i remember my sister telling me that going to the bathroom after being pregnant was weird because she was actually alone, no baby in there to be her constant companion. i cried because i was in so much pain, everything had been so challenging, and i wasn't ready to be away from my baby. they called me back and started asking me questions like 'when was your last period' and 'are you breastfeeding?' i had to go to the bathroom and asked the nurse if i should collect my urine, she told me no. when the doctor came in to see me, he tapped on my back on both sides and i cringed in pain, he said he was pretty sure it was a kidney infection and that they would need a urine sample. i told him that i had just gone to the bathroom and the nurse told me not to save it, he said she'd have to give me a catheter. the nurse came in, had me spread my legs and started digging around for my urethra. here i am, 9 days postpartum with stitches and a supposed kidney infection, and she is all up in my business. it literally took her 15 minutes. by this time jon had come up to be with me and i was squeezing his hand moaning and groaning in pain. i kept saying, "that really hurts on the left side!! are you sure you're not touching my stitches???" she kept assuring me that she wasn't and continued to try to figure this out. it's as though she's never put in a catheter before!!!!!! finally, fifteen minutes later, she got it in and had to nerve to smile at me. i asked her "what is going on here on the left side? it really hurts." she said "oh, that's where your stitches are." i've never wanted to kill a woman so badly! i asked my dad to bring prim up to me since it was taking a lot longer than expected and i called to cancel my interview. the guy was very nice, he and his wife have a few kids so he understood. the doctor came back in and informed us that i did indeed have a kidney infection. he gave me two options-he could get me medication and send me home, or send me over to the hospital. jon told me later he thought to himself "i hope we don't have to go to the hospital." before even thinking twice about it i said "i want to go to the hospital." i had been in excruciating pain for too many days, i was not about to go home without getting this figured out. my dad brought prim up to me and i carried her in my lap while the nurses wheeled me across a skybridge to the hospital.

our time spent in the NICU.

[originally posted on 2/12/15]

katie and I were in my room waiting for jon while he was in the nicu with prim. when he got back down, i asked him if he'd told his family the good and not so good news yet. he hadn't, so he left to tell them it was a girl!!! they were very happy and loved her name. they cried when jon told them she 

was up in the nicu and they all went up to see her. this was while i was calling my family and getting medicine for my insane headache. i think his parents went home from there. jon came back down to get katie so that she could go meet her!

She said that when she talked to Primmy, she'd turn to look and her and would stop fussing. me and my sisters are lucky we look alike because our kids immediately like us all, haha! she liked katie's voice probably both because it sounds like mine and because she heard it the whole week before she was born so she recognized it. 

while they were in the nicu, i was getting myself together. katie came down to let me know she saw prim and that it was time i went up there. she (bless her) stayed back to pack up all of our belongings so that we could move rooms while i was wheeled up to my little baby. i saw her for a short time and wasn't able to hold her yet. 

it was so sad to see her hooked up to all of these cords and wires. fortunately, i never saw her while she had her feeding tube. jon showed me videos and it broke my heart. i was, however, very grateful to see her so large and so pink! besides all of the cords she looked like a brand new healthy baby. we were only there for a few minutes before heading to the recovery room where we sent out texts letting our friends and family know she was born! the nurse in the recovery room was seasoned and very kind although it grossed me out to hear her go on about how i was in pain because it was as though a freight train slammed into my vagina the four hours i was pushing. nevertheless, she did the dirty work of helping me address the downstairs and get me set up with ice packs.

prim had a little feeding tube for the first few hours and told Jon and Katie i couldn't breastfeed until they were sure what was going on with her lungs. when we got up to the nicu at about 7:55pm, i realized jon hadn't even held her yet! here he is holding her for the very first time. she couldn't take her eyes off of him, she loved her daddy right away!

breastfeeding went pretty well from the get-go and although it felt a bit weird, i was so happy about it! i totally prepped for and researched breast-feeding my whole pregnancy and was so excited to do the best thing for my little baby and be able to bond with her. jon was very encouraging. i considered no medication birth, cosleeping, cloth diapering, etc. but breastfeeding was the main thing i was dedicated to and excited about.

here are John and Kathy holding their first grand baby. during the pregnancy they had a hard time expressing how excited they were for the baby's arrival but they immediately bonded with her.

i wanted to get jon a gift when the baby was born to welcome him into fatherhood and i wanted it to be something that could last forever. i got him this swedish axe that he's been wanting forever and engraved it in my beautiful handwriting! 

almost a full day went by before katie sheepishly asked if she could hold prim. worst sister award goes to me. i was so tired and overwhelmed that i didn't even realize she hadn't held her yet. here they are together for the first time! prim already loves her aunt katie, we are all so happy she was there through everything. 

ashton was at the hospital while i was giving birth but because everything took so long, she didn't get to see me or prim. her and aaron came the next day and got to hold her! they are such good friends and are expecting a little girl of their own in march. while ashton was holding prim, little aurora was kicking! 

it took less than a day for this nickname to be thought up. by uncle sam.

this is the day after Prim was born at about ten o'clock at night. they would have us come to the nicu every three hours to breastfeed prim. that meant i'd feed her and hold her for about an hour, go back to our room to eat and sleep for about an hour and then start waking up to get ready to go to the nicu again. the nicu nurses would call us about 15 minutes before they wanted us there to wake us up. i am not sure if that is normal protocol, but we are so grateful they did that!

november 17th, 5:50 am.

the weekend she was born was very cold. jon would push me to and from the nicu in a wheelchair because i wasn't able to walk very far yet which meant we always had to go together and jon couldn't ever sleep longer than i did. we were starting to get worn out. at some point this day i was with prim for longer than i should have been and by the time i got back to our room i was very late for my pain medicine. while jon was pushing me through the halls the cold air was blowing on my bare legs and when i got to the room i was shivering uncontrollably and it felt like pain was radiating from my lower back. the nurse didn't seem to care very much and just gave me my pain medicine. jon covered me with layers and layers of blankets, put his coat over me and put a heat pad under my body. at north central baptist they have a massage therapist who gives every new mom a 15 minute massage. she had come in the day before to set up a time to come in-she walked in right after i had given jon his ax. she stood by the door talking to me and eyeing the ax without saying anything. her timing wasn't great as she got to my room right when i was having what we later called a 'freeze out'. it killed me to have her pull the covers away to expose my bare back to the freezing air, but i allowed it since i really wanted that quick massage. she massaged for about ten minutes before my body stopped shaking uncontrollably and then continued to massage for another 20 minutes. she talked about how she was former military and took this job because she wanted to continue to help people. the military topic seemed to come up often while we were there because of my marine corps blanket; i didn't mind. i fell asleep after she left and when i woke up i was almost delirious and sweating profusely! in a panic jon took off all the blankets and tried to calm me down, my sweat was soaking the sheets. we tried to talk to the nurse about it, but again she didn't seem too concerned. i told jon and myself that the pain in my lower back was probably from the two epidurals, the back labor and the uncomfortable sleeping position i was in while i slept in the nicu on the couch visiting prim the night before. jon said the nurse thought it was hormone changes in the body.

meeting aunt kaitlyn for the first time!

we didn't take many visitors while we were in the hospital, just family and ashton and aaron. we were so tired from sleeping small increments and trying to spend time with primrose. we were so grateful to katie and jon's family for sitting in the nicu with prim so that she wasn't alone while jon and i ate and tried to sleep and recover.

at 3am on november 18th, they brought our sweet girl to our room. she was on and off oxygen through the weekend and did well enough that after two and a half days she got to be with us. the first couple nights jon and i sat awake looking at each other laughing (in my case trying not to laugh because it hurt too much) and wishing we were with prim. by the third night, we wanted prim with us so badly, but wondered why they would bring her to us so early in the morning. we were both so exhausted. life was better having her in our room, we got to sleep a bit more and breastfeeding was easier. morning after morning the nurses would ask me if my milk had come in yet. "do your breasts feel full?" morning after morning i would tell them no. 

when we woke up, we showered with prim's bed right outside the bathroom door. she slept through it and i knew right then and there that our child was a good sleeper.

my baby scratched herself on her left cheek sometime while in the nicu, i think it must have been from her IV contraption on her hand.

that morning, my dad flew in!!!! we were all so happy to have him here! he is so good with babies and couldn't wait to meet his fourth grandchild. 

on tuesday night, they told us we were able to take our baby home! by this time i had two more freeze outs followed by sweating to death. we called my OB and told her about it and she said it was probably just a reaction to pain. that seemed legit because my lower back hurt so bad and the shivers radiated from there. i started to become extremely fearful of getting cold.

katie, my dad and ashton were all there to help us pack our belongings into the car and dress prim in her going home outfit! her shirt was a gift from amanda, her pants were robbie's/casper's, her gloves from katie and her little booties a gift from ashton. this baby is so loved.
we packed a little blue onsie covered with monkey's and matching pants in case primrose was a boy.

our drive home was stressful and very slow. my dad and katie stopped at the grocery store on the way home and when jon and i got to the house, we were alone. we introduced the dogs to the baby. my FIL had brought home items from the hospital to let the dogs smell them, but forgot to let the kitty do the same. bandit would jump and get startled any time prim would move. i took her sock off to let him smell it and he fled the room.

although katie has nieces and nephews on her husbands side, this is her first on our side. it was the best thing to see her pick up her role as an aunt to her sisters baby. being an aunt is so different from being a mom, i loved watching katie with prim. (baby girl, as she calls her)

at about 8 o'clock we went next door to introduce the baby to her great grandparents! grandpa said she was sent straight from heaven and kept calling out to grandma in the other room "come look what i have!" 

the day before i had prim when we were out on our walk, we passed grandma's house and she came running outside to exclaim "you've dropped!" her guess was a girl, and she was right. when john and kathy went next door to tell them i'd had her, grandpa said "its a girl right? 21" long?" before they even said anything. crazy stuff, y'all. grandma would later tell me that when we came over with the baby, i startled her because i looked so sick.

7am our first morning with Pirm. neither of us remember the first night with her which is either a good sign or a bad one. we were excited to have her home, but life only got more complicated from there...