babies on the brain.

if you know jon and i at all, you probably know that the thought of children practically repulsed us for the first three years of marriage. sure, i could picture us having a baby someday. someday wanting to wake up multiple times through the night to sooth a screaming baby/eventual child. but life in san diego was perfect as it was. just the two of us to worry about. taking weekend getaways, going to mcdonalds at 10:30pm even though we were already snuggled into bed, saving money and even spending money on silly things like iPods and fancy watches. life was pretty good with me and my lover spending all our time together, not having to share with anyone.

the first thing that started to change our mind was jon's dad. the man is a self proclaimed grump, but when he is in the nursery at church he is all smiles. it was fun (and weird) to be in the same ward as our parents when we moved here, and sometimes we'd stop at the nursery door to peek in at john at kathy with the kids. the little kids love john and he loves them, kind of heart warming really. 

but what really did it was the ward trunk or treat. it's this stupid thing that mormons do to get all the kids together to have safe fun. jon and i went to ward activities just the two of us for three years in san diego and never felt weird or out of place! maybe it was our matching skeleton costumes or the fact that jon's was a tiny bit too revealing, but the moment we pulled up to the activity we felt like complete and utter creeps. how weird is it that a mid-twenty's couple was showing up to the kids activity and not only that, but dressed for the occasion! with no kids of their own! i sat in the passenger seat giggling and blushing (if i could blush) while watching jon struggle to remove his skeleton outfit to put on regular clothes in hopes of not appearing so creepy. i've never seen the man more embarrassed in my life. not even one of the first times we hung out when he spilled water on the carpet at my dads and he kept saying repeatedly "I'm so embarrassed". unfortunately for him, he really does have the potential to blush and boy was he! his face was bright red and he was not laughing. needless to say, we stayed in the car to change into normal clothes, briefly discussed going to the event, and quickly decided to leave before anyone noticed we were there. that night we talked about why this activity was different from all the kids friendly activities we attended in san diego. we both knew that it was not because we were at the age to have kids (some couples can't or don't have kids until much later and some have four by the time they're our age!), but because we were at the point that we were both ready for kids. it was a weird thing to discuss having a baby with jon and not having either of us cringe and roll our eyes, although there was much nervous laughter.

we were training for a half marathon on november 17th and another on december 7th. i would graduate soon after the 7th, so we decided i'd cease birth control very soon after that. one day after school, jon and i pulled into a hotel parking lot to call the hospitals and discuss their baby plans. after we made the appointment for my iud removal, we just sat there in silence. once we had decided we wanted to have kids, we wanted one pretty darn soon! it was weird to be thinking about having a baby so seriously when for so long it'd been the last thing on our minds. 

so we 'tried' in december and the symptoms of being off birth control for the first time in four years were similar to the signs i thought i'd see when pregnant. one in particular was my hunger. while i was in utah over christmas, my dad (very condescendingly) said "ugh. you act like you haven't eaten in three days!" 

i started my period at the airport in baltimore, maryland a couple days earlier than expected and jon and i were surprisingly sad! again, i started my period in february. i was so emotional that jon asked me if i was upset that we weren't pregnant. in all honesty, i told him no, i wasn't sad yet. i expected getting pregnant to be difficult and to be a long process. i told him it would be alright if it took a few months because it would give us time to save some more monies. 

another week later, we had a biggggg fight. we rarely fight, and this was a big one. jon wanted to buy this old $2,000 truck and i wanted to put that money elsewhere. we were going on a walk together and i was crying so much. i told him i was very, very unhappy and that i wanted to see a counselor to talk out my issues. i really felt like i was depressed and had been for a long time. isn't that crazy how that works? i wasn't depressed, and although it was a very difficult transition moving in with the in laws, i was actually happy to be anywhere with jon. but at the time, i actually felt very sad. well, that was me like 2 weeks pregnant!! 

i was supposed to start my period on a friday and the sunday before that, i told jon that i wanted to take a pregnancy test. when we decided to start trying for a baby, we bought a single pregnancy test that i would take if and only if i missed my period. i had not been feeling like myself (remember our unusual fight?) and my stomach had been feeling really bad. earlier in the week i told jon that if i wasn't pregnant, something was very wrong. so i took the pregnancy test and waited. two minutes later: a faint positive sign. i couldn't believe it and jon couldn't either. we'd been trying for three months?? this doesn't happen. so we went to target to get another pregnancy test and some ingredients to make this awesome corn and jalepeno dip in the crock pot. I’m the first to say that keeping the Sabbath day holy is not our forte, but living with the parents we’ve tried to be better about it (or more discreet?). that Sabbath though, we openly went to target and bought ingredients for an appetizer I didn’t need to make. When I got back, I told john, my FIL, what I was making and he said “just had a craving?” again, if I could blush I’m sure I would have.

 About a week and a half after we found out (and two positive tests later), my dad came into town and we decided that although I was very early on, we wanted to tell him in person. So we did! And his first reaction was “what are you thinking?? (with a big grin)” I mean, valid question. Living with the parents, no real job or insurance and all… he hugged me and said “that’s exciting!” and immediately got his phone out to start researching options as well as pretend to tweet to the whole family the big news.

That same week, john asked jonathan if I was alright. If there is a nice word for ‘complainer’, that’s me. So when I’m sick, it’s hard to hide it. I have perpetual stomach issues anyway, starting from when I was young, but he noticed that lately I had been sick and said to jonathan “she’s just so hungry”. We told his family the day my dad left and I told my sisters later that week via snail mail which kept me bed ridden for a full day thanks to morning sickness/anxiety over their reactions. Katie called first and when I said hello she said “HELLO?” I said “hello?” and she said “hello??? That’s how you’re going to tell me?? I almost didn’t get the mail today!” happiness, excitement and congratualtions ensued. Amanda called me the next day with yells/screams that I could not make out but it was all in excitement! Two days later, lizzie hadn’t gotten her letter yet so jon and I skyped her and told her the good news “face to face”. It’s safe to say she did NOT expect that! I loved seeing her reaction and hearing my other sisters reactions. Kim and alex were next which were also over skype and kim screamed. Very shortly after we told her she asked jonathan very nonchalantly if he could finish his school at the universeity of utah. It was all very sweet and something I do not want to forget.

I had my first doctors appointment at 8 weeks and seeing that tiny heartbeat and little bean move on the screen was surreal. I’d been so slow to accept the fact that I was actually pregnant for fear of miscarrying and some guilt. I still can’t quite understand why it is so easy for some couples to get pregnant, and so difficult for others. Honestly, my excitement was a bit overshadowed by the guilt I felt for getting pregnant so quick. I told jon so many times that I would have tried for months longer if that meant I could shorten someone else’s trying time by the same amount of months. I understand that isn’t how it works and that most women trying to get pregnant would probably encourage me to be grateful and not sorry for the short amount of time it took us to get this miracle of life and I am, I really really am.

The first appointment was interesting and had some highlights like the doctor telling us she was going to look for a second baby because I had been so sick and then not following up with “nope just one” or “yep there is two”. (I had to ask her and no, there wasn’t more than one) another highlight was when I told her I felt like I was already showing and she said “its probably because you’re eating so much”, which was/is true. Everything went well and after that appointment I felt ready to accept that we had one on the way and start thinking more optimistically.

I’ll write a post about the first trimester. We just had a 13 week appointment and heard the heartbeat! It was so fast (155bpm) and the baby was very low down in my abdomen. Hearing that he or she is doing well was just as good as seeing it move at the first appointment. Jon and I are so excited and can’t wait for the next chapter in our lives to begin in the form of a screaming, helpless little baby. Even if that means getting up more than three times in the night.

(and to top it off, we are due on veteran's day; November 11th.)