RIP Bentley.

this is so hard to write. but i can't stop thinking about it.

this morning i found out one of my friends had passed away.

three months ago.

and i JUST found out.

amanda introduced me to bentley.

i was a senior in high school. they lived on the same floor in the dorms at the U.

we hung out a bit while bryson and i were OFF, which was rare (ha.)

during that time, i found a book of mormon in his room. he said that some girl gave it to him. he'd never read it.

i wrote my testimony in it.

and the scripture john 1:5

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." i wrote about the prophet Joseph Smith. we went a couple years without seeing each other. he'd call every once and awhile and leave a message. his voice was so cute. unmistakable. he'd text every once and while, inviting me to a party. bentley was drunk 90 percent of the time that i saw him. he cursed like a sailor. he took me to my first college party at the u. i was 17. he never once asked me to drink. but i have never met anyone else more philosophical than Bentley. every time i hung out with him, he would ask about the church. i don't know how many LDS people he knew, but he didn't seem afraid to talk about it. and wasn't afraid to test me. WHY do you believe it? WHAT do you believe? what happens if this... what do you think about these people... what's wrong with just leading a good life? he made me question the church so many times. and i am so grateful for that. 3 years after writing in his BOM, he would still bring up how i wrote in it. he moved around a few times and took it with him every time he moved. he even came to church with me once. and he made me soo insecure. he asked me why everyone used their phones during class and during sacrament meeting. he was appalled at how disrespectful people were. he asked me why some of the boys wore white shirts and suits, and some of them wore colored shirts. and he asked me so many other difficult questions. he never settled with an "I don't know." or "I'm not sure..." i can't really explain the boy. he traveled all around the world. studied philosophy. graduated with a bachelor's in may from the U. hiked, climbed, sailed. he made me try escargot. wasn't afraid to make you feel inadequate. i'm sorry that i didn't know you were supposed to put the napkin on your lap right when you sat down, not just when you got your food. i wrote his friend to find out what had happened. Bentley killed himself. its such a terrible twist to the story. why didn't i contact him more? why did i stop taking him to church? i thought that he wanted to go just because he liked me,  so i stopped talking to him. what if i hadn't have done that? what if that was all he needed? what could i have done differently, and why didn't i do it? and worst of all... why...WHY did it take me so long to figure out he was gone? i could have never guessed that he would do this. i knew all day today that he had died, i just didn't know how. and all day, i kept thinking. i kept thinking about when people die young. most of the time, when you talk to their friends and family, they can tell you that they saw signs, looking back, that they would die early. they would talk about after they die. or they would simply live every single day as if it was their last. Bentley is no exception. he questioned everything about life. i looked at his facebook and read the comments his friends have left him since he left. he impacted everyone he spoke to. he would ask questions and really listen to the answers. he would make you think and make you ponder. make you question your beliefs, to see if thats what you really believed. i am talking like he was my best friend. he was not. since he left, i have thought about texting him once.  one time in over 4 months. but he is my only friend who has died.  and it scares me, and really makes me think. life can get taken away from you so swiftly. and people who you would never expect, could be suffering.  suffering so much that they feel they can't go on. my thoughts are all bejumbled. i don't mean to preach. i know that heavenly father wants us to help each other, thats what we are all here for. to listen to each others problems, and be sensitive. because none of us can handle this life alone. i know that bentley's now in a better place. i really hope that i was right about all the stuff we talked about. i'd hate to think that i was wrong, because i know that he won't let me get away with it. i also know that we all have our own stories. God knows them all perfectly. we're all going to get judged differently. i really believe that he's not going to count how many times we lied and how many drinks we had. its not about how many rated R movies we didn't watch, and whether or not we had sex before we were married. it'll probably be a nice sit down conversation, to discuss why we did certain things when we did and how we did them. it seems like a pleasant enough conversation and oddly enough, i kind of look forward to it. and until then, i'm going to try to live my life to the very fullest! and if you need to talk, please write me. because listening to your problems makes me feel better than complaining about all of mine. :)

cutecute.

This girl on facebook added this little list. I thought it was cute.


To Our Men:
1.) If she wasn't emotional before, that is all about to change. (HA!)
2.) You getting a higher rank could just mean an automatic free lay.
3.) Get her a pair of dog tags, ASAP. This is crucial, she will never take them off.
4.) Most of the time, you losing reception during training is your fault. Though, she will eventually understand.
5.) Most of the time, everything is your fault. This especially goes for when she is pregnant.
6.) She WILL start talking like your guys and you talk, including using your last names.
7.) Her patriotism could out-do most of your men... she will be proud... VERY proud.
8.) Be ready: your car will end up with a yellow ribbon magnet of an "I LOVE MY MARINE" sticker eventually. If you have separate cars, hers will DEFINITELY have these.
9.) She will most likely need a pair of dog tags to hang from the car's rear view mirror. (see 3)
10.) Every week she'll have "another song" that makes her think of you when you're away. And she'll cry to it, even when you're in the same room.
11.) She'll make 5 million friends online, and talk to you about them all the time because her "old friends just don't understand" like they do.
12.) Don't be shocked when she just drops civilian chicks out of her life like flies. She mostly does this when they complain to her.
13.) DO NOT if you love her, say anything about you not wanting to make her wait for you... TRUST me men, YOU ARE WORTH every breath to these women, or they wouldn't be here.
14.) Most women actually do LOVE it when you are sweaty and dirty, even the girlie girls. It's sexy as hell!
15.) Only bring up the field once, say it clear, and don't bring it up again. We will remember the time, the dates like stone inside our mind. Don't remind us.
16.) You are our hero. That isn't us being cute, it's us swelling with pride, feeling like a princess every time we glance over and you're standing there.
17.) Don't worry about waking her up when you get a chance to call, trust me, she's NOT sleeping. If she is, she's been waiting for you to call all night and she fell asleep next to the phone.
18.) Leave at least 3 of your shirts for her...she'll wear them all the time and if she doesn't wear them out she WILL wear them to sleep.
19.) No matter what she was like before, she is tougher and harder than a rock now. She can handle anything, she will get through it, tears or no tears.
20.) Don't be discouraged or taken back from her strength. It comes with territory. When in your arms, she's still your princess, soft and sweet.
21.) Your kids might see mommy as the one in charge for a while, it's okay, they will respect you, just give it time.
22.) EVERYTHING in her life will be complicated, so she might not always get the simple things you say to her.
23.) She will spend hours to look good on cam and pics for you.
24.) Her favorite sentences from you start with "when I get home".

Lastly guys,
25.) No matter how much she's changed, never forget that you mean the world to her, she loves you more than anything and you will ALWAYS be her hero...whether you think you are one or not.

travels.

well, i havent updated in awhile. i look back at all my pictures from the past little while, and they are all of jon and i. funny...seeing as how i only see him once a month:)

in september, i went out to see him at camp pendleton in san diego, california. he was at marine combat training for 4 weeks. we got to talk every weekend he was there. it was oh so good to finally see him and get to squeeze his little self!

this is us at ruby's on the pier.

i got there on saturday and he was able to stay at the hotel with me saturday night. we went shopping and we went out to eat for our 6 month anniversary at a nice restaurant. we didnt take very many pictures.

he had to report back sunday afternoon. we were late of course and he was riled up of course but we made it on time and he didnt even get in trouble!

sunday night, amanda and nephi came to the hotel to hang out with me! we went off base to oceanside and ate pizza and ice cream and were really nice to nephi like we always are!!!

monday morning, my dear friend gabes came to hang out with me! i wish i would have gotten pictures of me with my guests. we went out to eat on base and marveled at how bland that place is. and how sweet all the marine boys are for staring at us like we are the first girls they've ever seen <333

this is us at his graduation! not as big of a deal at boot camp graduation was, but now he knows how to combat..........or something.

who looks cuter holding the gun? and who looks like they know what they're doing? annndddd whose guns are bigger?

after graduation, jonathan got on a bus, and i drove to the Vigil's. they took me to the airport where jon was waiting for me :)

he got to take me up to my gate (he, of course, had to flash his military id in order to do so...). we hung out at my gate for a couple hours. finally when it was my time to go...we hugged goodbye....until the plane guy called my name and said it was time for me to get on the plane. i was the last one on.

i came back to utah, and jon went to north carolina for his Marine Occupational Specialty something or other. aka school. so he's in NC for school...

this is him at school. SOMEone makes him stay up late and talk on the phone. funny. poor boy is so sleepy.

lucky me...i got to go visit him again last weekend!! he had 72 hours of free time....so me and his roommates girlfriend decided to surprise our boys and come visit! well...turns out we can't rent a hotel room on base if we arent a marine. so we had to tell them we were coming. but they were still surprised because we told them two weeks before we were coming. it was the longest two weeks ever, but we finally got there!

we got there friday morning. hannah and i met at the airport, and took a taxi to the hotel room. unfortunately, we couldn't check in until jon got there since the room was under his name. so they said that they'd be there at noon. hannah and i waited around until they called....and when they called they told us that their leader inspected the rooms on their floor and they failed. so they had to clean the entire floor again and get it inspected again and hope that they pass. so they said they'd be there at 2. soooo we waited some more....2 o clock came and went....3 o clock came and went.... and finally. FINALLY at 4 o clock they came! as soon as i saw him i forgot how mad at him i was...ha. and we went shopping and ate and checked into our room and tried to nap. hannah and i had been flying all night so we were super tired but we couldnt sleep. finally after filling our bellies, we all fell asleep that night at 8:30.

on saturday we went to the beach! it was sooo beautiful and so warm. the waves. were. HUGE! we got tossed and turned all around, it was so funny. jon's pale skin hasn't seen the light of day in MONTHS, so he was as red as a lobster right where a t shirt would be:)

this is jon and his roommate, brandon. we shared a room with him and his gf, they were really cute and fun! this is them with a washed up blow fish...yummy.

we went out to jacksonville for a night, it was so fun! we saw couples retreat which was supperr cute. i recommend it...even though its a bit dirty...

the rest of the weekend was fun. it was low key, lots of shopping and eating on base. it was a lot prettier than camp pendleton.

finally on monday we had to say goodbye. it was awful. it gets harder saying goodbye every time.

he is the sweetest boy, these pictures dont really do our vacations justice...but its the best i can do. things between him and i couldn't get any better. its pretty cool that he's in the military, i get to go to all these fun places chasing him around...so i'm not complaining one bit!!
last picture. i showed this picture to my dad and he said "Well that's disgusting." i said "What is disgusting?" laughing so hard and he replied "His eyes!" sad!!

my life.

i love every single one of these people.

bob marley.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."

august '09. a bit different than i expected...

well. a lot has happened since i last updated. 

i'll skip the insanity

and post pictures of the end of california/first few weeks back in utah. 

you can figure it out for yourself. 

first of all, this girl came to visit me. finally! she came for jon's graduation...and for moral support for me. 

and for girl time of course.

this is jon at graduation. he went to boot camp for 13 weeks. the only contact we had was through letters. 

Marine Corps boot camp is as bad as you've probably heard. most likely worse. but after three months, he finally became a United States Marine!!

The guy on the left is one of his drill instructors....scary. 

i'd seen jon the day before graduation for family day. they were super strict with PDA and all that. this is the first real hug i got in welcoming him home! after three long long months. once he got released, we got to take him home. no more boot camp! and time to nurse him back to life! so sad... 

bf1, gf1, and gf2. i'm so glad this girl was there.

we went straight to the beach after graduation. (well...kind of straight. we made sure to play dress up in jon's uniforms first.)

what tanline?

after boot camp, jon got 10 days of leave. meaning he got to do whatever he wanted.

what did he do? 

ate AT LEAST a half a pan of brownies every night, fell asleep any/everywhere (he'd seriously start twitching two seconds after sitting down. laying on the cement by the pool, in the movie theater, on the tour bus at the zoo...) and spent lots of time with meee. 

then he got permission to get 7 days of Recruiter's Assistance, so he stayed an extra week! and worked 10-5.  

ah finally reunited! and it felt so good.

so after a fun 17 days, we had to say goodbye again. 

he went back to california on august 18th for marine combat training. he'll be there for four weeks.

he took his phone and gets every saturday and sunday off ! so we can talk all day on those days! and he isnt supposed to, but definitely sneaks texts to me every night. it is sooo much better than boot camp.

we even ichatted today! 

you know his Marine friends LOVED watching him take this picture.  

in two weeks i am going to san diego to see him!  i'm flying in on saturday, and he gets all saturday and sunday off for his overnight liberty! since he's such a good mormon, he has lots of friends and hook ups at the church. some of his older friends, Steve and Judy Vigil, are letting us borrow their car! we are so thankful, because otherwise we'd be stuck on base...fun. he has to report back on sunday night. then monday i think i'll just be on my own? i dont really know what he'll be doing but i dont think he'll have any liberty/free time to see me. then tuesday is MCT graduation. after that we'll both go to the airport. i'll be flying home, and he'll be flying to north carolina for MOS school for 16 weeks.

so its been a crazy few months. he's already been gone longer than he's been home in the months that we've dated. but it is so fun. everyday is such an adventure.

FAITH

"It isn't as bad as you somethings think it is.

It all works out.

Don't worry.

I say that to myself every morning.

It all works out in the end.

Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us.

He will not forsake us.

If we put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy if His blessings,

He will hear our prayers."

-Gordon B. Hinckley