finally.

wk 42.

holding the rose kim brought for me, 

and waiting for jon to come off the bus.

ups and DOWNS of deployment.

its not quite over. 

and the closer it gets, the harder it gets. 

the days are getting slower, longer.

i've been running full speed.

running full speed for seven months, not slowing down.

i couldn't slow down or else i'd realize just how bad it really sucked.

so i ran.

i lived for the days, i couldn't face 7 months dead on. 

day one down. day two down. day three. 

i've got this. feeling good. i can do this.

i can't just get through this deployment, 

i can get through, and get through with a smile.

the days continued to drag on. day 99. day 100. triple digits. day 150...

keep it up. keep running. halfway done.

keep smiling. people think that its easy. you make it look easy.

long nights. long, lonely nights, empty bed.

forget the stress, the worry. life is too short for cruelty.

it's been so hard.

moving away from my family, away from my friends, school, job, everything familiar.

moving to a new place. new faces, new environment.

no job, no school...

i was just here with jon.

i moved out here for JON. and for HIS job. 

and i really had nothing.

i don't think people understand what it is like.

they just see military wives living through their husbands.

but that's the only thing they can do for awhile. 

thats the only thing they have. they left everything else back home.

left it all, just to be with the one they love.

you will never understand it, unless you live it.

unless you move from your comfort zone to a different state,

JUST for your husbands military job.

i'm actually quite lucky that jon left so fast after our wedding.

because then i was left here. i didn't have him to live for.

i didn't have him to hang out with, to cook for, 

i didn't get to wait for him to get off work.

i got to live for ME. find friends for me.

find hobbies, expand talents, keep myself busy.

i learned how to crochet.

i learned how to go to a family ward all by myself and sit all alone.

i learned how to cook for one. and eat at the table alone, in silence.

in my dinner prayer every night, i'd pray for jon.

it was 6am his time. 

i'd pray that he was warm and safe.

church and dinnertime was the loneliest. but i learned how to do it.

it was kind of nice not having someone else to clean up after.

it was nice getting to stretch out in bed.

nice to always do what i wanted to do, when i wanted to.

it wasn't so nice not having anyone clean up after me. 

wasn't nice going to bed alone and waking up alone.

the cat only understands so much. 

it did get annoying when i could tell she wasn't REALLY listening to my stories.

it was hard.

sending my husband to a war zone was officially the hardest and scariest thing i've done.

worth it?

oh yeah.

i have made amazing friends.

i've learned so much. 

and from thousands of miles away, our love has grown.

would i wait for him again through another deployment? 

i'd wait for him through another 10 deployments.

i just love him that much.

wk 41.

last weekend, i drove to utah with the young women from my ward. 

we left on friday. 

i accidently woke up later than i would have liked.... and made us all get a late start on our trip.

it was awful. 

but i got home JUST in time to see this little one on his FIFTH birthday!!!! i can't believe he has been alive that long and it was 5 years ago that we waited all night in the hospital for his arrival. he was such a tiny little baby. 

this is the oldest picture i have of him on this computer. 

look at that face and those ears. 

he is three months old here. i don't think i've seen a cuter baby.

the other one is my cousin, he was pretty darn cute, too.

i used to babysit him while katie worked a couple days a week. it was so fun to be able to spend so much quality time together. 

i'm not sure how he got that yellow thing in his mouth or what it is...

this is him as a five year old. dressing himself and putting shirts on backwards. he wouldn't let me fix it. still as cute as can be.

i got to play with this sweetie, too, who is also really really cute. 

my dad was loving this picture because our hair is the same color. 

i think i'm loving it for that reason too.

 i was also really happy to see my cat! he/she doesn't look happy here, but trust me, he/she was VERY happy to see me. :)

 and check this out. this happened while i was home. 

you should see it now.

jill came and slept over!!!!! she usually comes to at least stay a night when i'm in town, and i love her for it. we always have such a blast when we are together. she is the funniest woman and just all around really great. i'm glad i got to learn with her this weekend...

 we left early monday morning. unfortunately, it took us 10x (exaggeration) longer to get home then it should have. it was fun though and this sea horse cheeto cheered me up a lot.

we got home safe and sound on monday night and i was at school bright and early tuesday! it's definitely been a long and grueling week trying to focus on school but daydreaming instead.

i'll be really tickled when this deployment is over. 

dreamland pt 1.

"We saw her mom at the store," I explained.

"Oh," he said, popping [one frito] into his mouth. "How'd that go?"

"Shit!" Corinna said loudly, as something crashed and broke in the kitchen. "Goddammit."

"Not so good," I told him.

He sighed, standing up. "Here," he said, handing off the Fritos to me. "I'm going in."

I watched as he pushed the kitchen door open. It started to swing shut behind him before catching on the stubborn piece of kitchen tile that poked up at the edge of the threshold. He walked over to where Corinna was standing, crying, holding a piece of broken plate in her hand.

"This fell," she said, holding it up as proof. "I didn't drop it."

"I know," he said, taking it out of her hand and putting it on the counter. "It's okay."

She wiped at her eyes, impatiently. Then she said, "I hate that I let her do this to me. It's so dysfunctional."

"It's not your fault," Dave said as Corinna closed her eyes, leaning her face against his chest, and I felt bad for watching, turning my attention to the Brady Bunch rerun on the TV.

I wondered again if this was what Cass's life was like with Adam in New York. I hoped so. Even if she was struggling and living off Ramen-noddle soup, it seemed perfect to be in this kind of love.

Corinna was still crying, even as Dave kissed her forhead and smiled, taking one of her hands and twirling her around the small, paint-peeling kitchen. "Stop," she said, half-laughing as he dipped her over the garbage can. "David, honestly."

He was humming something, a song I didn't know, as he twirled her out, then pulled her back, scooping an arm around her waist, and led her into an exaggerated tango, both of them stepping expertly over the dog bowl.

"You're crazy," she said, but now she was smiling.

Outside the window over my shoulder it was winter, flat and gray. But in the kitchen, under the warm bulb light, they were still dancing, laughing, twirling across the tiny floor while those silver bracelets jingled, making music all their own.

page 125 DREAMLAND, Sarah Dessen

wk 40.

i took 1,000 photos friday night, but i felt like this one was the most important one.

who knew that my pony tail doubled as a broom??

on friday, i drove up to huntington to hang out with amanda and nephi.

we went running along the beach. how nice would that be, to do that every day like they do?

then, we went rock climbing for a friends surprise birthday celebration.

the next morning, we woke up bright and early because we had a triathlon to attend!!!!

okay, I didn't participate, but amanda and nephi did. 

it was sponsored by their ward, and such a ball.  

they both did so good. i was such a proud sister/friend of nephi's!

this is the only photo i snagged on my phone. 

after the big race, we drove down to san diego. 

we had things to do to prepare for jon's arrival. 

maybe i will post details once he is already home, 

but since he is my most diligent reader, i cannot expound. 

we did have a slumbyparty though and maybe ate a lot of dessert shots from pf changs.

also, a night of 11 hours of sleep was a bonus to the weekend.

it was a fun time with fun friends and activities!

wk 39.

happy belated st patty's day.

thank you shutterfly, for the 10 free prints.

and if you guys didn't get one from me, it's a good thing you're reading my blog.