advice.

are you looking for a couple different easy way to make me mad?

i'll help you out.

1. i absolutely LOVE being parented. i grew up without my mom, and my dad isn't one to tell me what to do. i think he may have tried once. so

if you're thinking about giving me advice i never asked for, please do.

2. known fact-i have anxiety. i have learned how to take control of it...for the most part. i no longer hyperventilate when going on vacations at least. but when i get one simple text that says "hey...i have bad news." i lose it. especially when coming from my marine. (I can't graduate. I'm getting deployed tomorrow. I actually just found out I joined for 8 years instead of four. I can't come home for Christmas) my mind. goes. NUTS.

well both of these things happened yesterday, which turned the day into something so, so great. well, boyf resolved both of these issues. turns out the bad news he had for me, was as bad as i expected, which is so annoying.

after he sent me the "I have bad news" text, it took him forever to explain what the bad news was. he had duty over thanksgiving, so he definitely can't come home. my good mood was deflated. i just left school, got in dads car, listened to demi lovato (obvious) and cried my way home. my bad mood caused tension in jon's day which only got worse. then he fell asleep before we made up which is another thing that i love. luckily, he wakes up in the night when he has to go to the bathroom (not all can be so lucky. not me. just in general.) and text me at like midnight my time. i got on ichat and we chatted the night away.

he decided to do a very good thing and give me a surprise.

wish number 1.

granted.

i wish jonathan would come home for thanksgiving.:

18 days.

wishful wednesday.

i wish jonathan would come home for thanksgiving.:

i wish i had an iphone.:

i wish i was perfect.

i wish i wasn't so gangster.

i wish new york was here. if that makes sense. i miss it so much.

RIP Bentley.

this is so hard to write. but i can't stop thinking about it.

this morning i found out one of my friends had passed away.

three months ago.

and i JUST found out.

amanda introduced me to bentley.

i was a senior in high school. they lived on the same floor in the dorms at the U.

we hung out a bit while bryson and i were OFF, which was rare (ha.)

during that time, i found a book of mormon in his room. he said that some girl gave it to him. he'd never read it.

i wrote my testimony in it.

and the scripture john 1:5

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." i wrote about the prophet Joseph Smith. we went a couple years without seeing each other. he'd call every once and awhile and leave a message. his voice was so cute. unmistakable. he'd text every once and while, inviting me to a party. bentley was drunk 90 percent of the time that i saw him. he cursed like a sailor. he took me to my first college party at the u. i was 17. he never once asked me to drink. but i have never met anyone else more philosophical than Bentley. every time i hung out with him, he would ask about the church. i don't know how many LDS people he knew, but he didn't seem afraid to talk about it. and wasn't afraid to test me. WHY do you believe it? WHAT do you believe? what happens if this... what do you think about these people... what's wrong with just leading a good life? he made me question the church so many times. and i am so grateful for that. 3 years after writing in his BOM, he would still bring up how i wrote in it. he moved around a few times and took it with him every time he moved. he even came to church with me once. and he made me soo insecure. he asked me why everyone used their phones during class and during sacrament meeting. he was appalled at how disrespectful people were. he asked me why some of the boys wore white shirts and suits, and some of them wore colored shirts. and he asked me so many other difficult questions. he never settled with an "I don't know." or "I'm not sure..." i can't really explain the boy. he traveled all around the world. studied philosophy. graduated with a bachelor's in may from the U. hiked, climbed, sailed. he made me try escargot. wasn't afraid to make you feel inadequate. i'm sorry that i didn't know you were supposed to put the napkin on your lap right when you sat down, not just when you got your food. i wrote his friend to find out what had happened. Bentley killed himself. its such a terrible twist to the story. why didn't i contact him more? why did i stop taking him to church? i thought that he wanted to go just because he liked me,  so i stopped talking to him. what if i hadn't have done that? what if that was all he needed? what could i have done differently, and why didn't i do it? and worst of all... why...WHY did it take me so long to figure out he was gone? i could have never guessed that he would do this. i knew all day today that he had died, i just didn't know how. and all day, i kept thinking. i kept thinking about when people die young. most of the time, when you talk to their friends and family, they can tell you that they saw signs, looking back, that they would die early. they would talk about after they die. or they would simply live every single day as if it was their last. Bentley is no exception. he questioned everything about life. i looked at his facebook and read the comments his friends have left him since he left. he impacted everyone he spoke to. he would ask questions and really listen to the answers. he would make you think and make you ponder. make you question your beliefs, to see if thats what you really believed. i am talking like he was my best friend. he was not. since he left, i have thought about texting him once.  one time in over 4 months. but he is my only friend who has died.  and it scares me, and really makes me think. life can get taken away from you so swiftly. and people who you would never expect, could be suffering.  suffering so much that they feel they can't go on. my thoughts are all bejumbled. i don't mean to preach. i know that heavenly father wants us to help each other, thats what we are all here for. to listen to each others problems, and be sensitive. because none of us can handle this life alone. i know that bentley's now in a better place. i really hope that i was right about all the stuff we talked about. i'd hate to think that i was wrong, because i know that he won't let me get away with it. i also know that we all have our own stories. God knows them all perfectly. we're all going to get judged differently. i really believe that he's not going to count how many times we lied and how many drinks we had. its not about how many rated R movies we didn't watch, and whether or not we had sex before we were married. it'll probably be a nice sit down conversation, to discuss why we did certain things when we did and how we did them. it seems like a pleasant enough conversation and oddly enough, i kind of look forward to it. and until then, i'm going to try to live my life to the very fullest! and if you need to talk, please write me. because listening to your problems makes me feel better than complaining about all of mine. :)

cutecute.

This girl on facebook added this little list. I thought it was cute.


To Our Men:
1.) If she wasn't emotional before, that is all about to change. (HA!)
2.) You getting a higher rank could just mean an automatic free lay.
3.) Get her a pair of dog tags, ASAP. This is crucial, she will never take them off.
4.) Most of the time, you losing reception during training is your fault. Though, she will eventually understand.
5.) Most of the time, everything is your fault. This especially goes for when she is pregnant.
6.) She WILL start talking like your guys and you talk, including using your last names.
7.) Her patriotism could out-do most of your men... she will be proud... VERY proud.
8.) Be ready: your car will end up with a yellow ribbon magnet of an "I LOVE MY MARINE" sticker eventually. If you have separate cars, hers will DEFINITELY have these.
9.) She will most likely need a pair of dog tags to hang from the car's rear view mirror. (see 3)
10.) Every week she'll have "another song" that makes her think of you when you're away. And she'll cry to it, even when you're in the same room.
11.) She'll make 5 million friends online, and talk to you about them all the time because her "old friends just don't understand" like they do.
12.) Don't be shocked when she just drops civilian chicks out of her life like flies. She mostly does this when they complain to her.
13.) DO NOT if you love her, say anything about you not wanting to make her wait for you... TRUST me men, YOU ARE WORTH every breath to these women, or they wouldn't be here.
14.) Most women actually do LOVE it when you are sweaty and dirty, even the girlie girls. It's sexy as hell!
15.) Only bring up the field once, say it clear, and don't bring it up again. We will remember the time, the dates like stone inside our mind. Don't remind us.
16.) You are our hero. That isn't us being cute, it's us swelling with pride, feeling like a princess every time we glance over and you're standing there.
17.) Don't worry about waking her up when you get a chance to call, trust me, she's NOT sleeping. If she is, she's been waiting for you to call all night and she fell asleep next to the phone.
18.) Leave at least 3 of your shirts for her...she'll wear them all the time and if she doesn't wear them out she WILL wear them to sleep.
19.) No matter what she was like before, she is tougher and harder than a rock now. She can handle anything, she will get through it, tears or no tears.
20.) Don't be discouraged or taken back from her strength. It comes with territory. When in your arms, she's still your princess, soft and sweet.
21.) Your kids might see mommy as the one in charge for a while, it's okay, they will respect you, just give it time.
22.) EVERYTHING in her life will be complicated, so she might not always get the simple things you say to her.
23.) She will spend hours to look good on cam and pics for you.
24.) Her favorite sentences from you start with "when I get home".

Lastly guys,
25.) No matter how much she's changed, never forget that you mean the world to her, she loves you more than anything and you will ALWAYS be her hero...whether you think you are one or not.

travels.

well, i havent updated in awhile. i look back at all my pictures from the past little while, and they are all of jon and i. funny...seeing as how i only see him once a month:)

in september, i went out to see him at camp pendleton in san diego, california. he was at marine combat training for 4 weeks. we got to talk every weekend he was there. it was oh so good to finally see him and get to squeeze his little self!

this is us at ruby's on the pier.

i got there on saturday and he was able to stay at the hotel with me saturday night. we went shopping and we went out to eat for our 6 month anniversary at a nice restaurant. we didnt take very many pictures.

he had to report back sunday afternoon. we were late of course and he was riled up of course but we made it on time and he didnt even get in trouble!

sunday night, amanda and nephi came to the hotel to hang out with me! we went off base to oceanside and ate pizza and ice cream and were really nice to nephi like we always are!!!

monday morning, my dear friend gabes came to hang out with me! i wish i would have gotten pictures of me with my guests. we went out to eat on base and marveled at how bland that place is. and how sweet all the marine boys are for staring at us like we are the first girls they've ever seen <333

this is us at his graduation! not as big of a deal at boot camp graduation was, but now he knows how to combat..........or something.

who looks cuter holding the gun? and who looks like they know what they're doing? annndddd whose guns are bigger?

after graduation, jonathan got on a bus, and i drove to the Vigil's. they took me to the airport where jon was waiting for me :)

he got to take me up to my gate (he, of course, had to flash his military id in order to do so...). we hung out at my gate for a couple hours. finally when it was my time to go...we hugged goodbye....until the plane guy called my name and said it was time for me to get on the plane. i was the last one on.

i came back to utah, and jon went to north carolina for his Marine Occupational Specialty something or other. aka school. so he's in NC for school...

this is him at school. SOMEone makes him stay up late and talk on the phone. funny. poor boy is so sleepy.

lucky me...i got to go visit him again last weekend!! he had 72 hours of free time....so me and his roommates girlfriend decided to surprise our boys and come visit! well...turns out we can't rent a hotel room on base if we arent a marine. so we had to tell them we were coming. but they were still surprised because we told them two weeks before we were coming. it was the longest two weeks ever, but we finally got there!

we got there friday morning. hannah and i met at the airport, and took a taxi to the hotel room. unfortunately, we couldn't check in until jon got there since the room was under his name. so they said that they'd be there at noon. hannah and i waited around until they called....and when they called they told us that their leader inspected the rooms on their floor and they failed. so they had to clean the entire floor again and get it inspected again and hope that they pass. so they said they'd be there at 2. soooo we waited some more....2 o clock came and went....3 o clock came and went.... and finally. FINALLY at 4 o clock they came! as soon as i saw him i forgot how mad at him i was...ha. and we went shopping and ate and checked into our room and tried to nap. hannah and i had been flying all night so we were super tired but we couldnt sleep. finally after filling our bellies, we all fell asleep that night at 8:30.

on saturday we went to the beach! it was sooo beautiful and so warm. the waves. were. HUGE! we got tossed and turned all around, it was so funny. jon's pale skin hasn't seen the light of day in MONTHS, so he was as red as a lobster right where a t shirt would be:)

this is jon and his roommate, brandon. we shared a room with him and his gf, they were really cute and fun! this is them with a washed up blow fish...yummy.

we went out to jacksonville for a night, it was so fun! we saw couples retreat which was supperr cute. i recommend it...even though its a bit dirty...

the rest of the weekend was fun. it was low key, lots of shopping and eating on base. it was a lot prettier than camp pendleton.

finally on monday we had to say goodbye. it was awful. it gets harder saying goodbye every time.

he is the sweetest boy, these pictures dont really do our vacations justice...but its the best i can do. things between him and i couldn't get any better. its pretty cool that he's in the military, i get to go to all these fun places chasing him around...so i'm not complaining one bit!!
last picture. i showed this picture to my dad and he said "Well that's disgusting." i said "What is disgusting?" laughing so hard and he replied "His eyes!" sad!!

my life.

i love every single one of these people.

bob marley.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."