Death is nothing at all.

My mom died when I was almost two years old. I had three bigger sisters, the oldest being 8 years of age. my grandma had always been around for us, she and my mother were very close. she stepped in, and helped my dad raise us. she helped us learn how to read, took us to school. she'd give amanda a present on my birthday, and me a present on amanda's birthday so that we wouldn't feel left out. she did our laundry, made us breakfast, lunch and dinner. she'd watch tv shows with us after school, and taught us how to crochet. 

she helped us with our homework, and took such good care of us when we were sick. she was never late picking me up from school. as soon as i'd get out, she'd always be waiting there for me in her car. she would let me come sleep with her in her bed if i got scared or just missed her, and we'd eat breakfast in bed. she'd spend the night at our house every christmas eve and enjoy christmas with us. on the mantle hung dads stocking, then katie, lizzie, amanda, a.j., and gran's. we always take turns opening presents in a circle, so that we can all watch each other open gifts. you had to be careful giving gran her gift before it was time to open it, because she'd slowly start opening it before it was her turn. she loved presents! she was always so excited to open them! 

a couple birthdays ago, lizzie and i gave gran a present in the car before going to dinner. she started tearing open the present, and had a back spasm. her back was hurting her so bad, but she couldn't stop opening the gift. and she was laughing all the while through the pain. 

granny was always around. she never seemed like a mom, she always seemed like a really awesome grandma and a good friend. 

our Gran died on thursday. she's been very sick lately, and just so tired. i think that we had all been trying to mentally prepare for her passing, but it still hit hard when we got the news. on sunday, she had a stroke. we got to talk to her on facetime and on the telephone. technology is amazing. she spent a few days in the hospital, then went home where a nurse would come by and take care of her. she spent most of the week sleeping, just warm and cozy. it had been so long since she was able to get a good nights sleep. as soon as jon and i got the news of her death, we headed home. 

 we have spent the past couple days cleaning her room. it has been such an amazing experience. i'm telling you, she was the best grandma in the world. she saved every card we'd ever written her, every picture we drew for her. she saved our wedding, baby and  graduation announcements, she had framed photos all over the place of all of us. she loved her kids and grandkids so much, and she was so proud of all of them. she had so many cute quirks. one of my favorite ones was how she had scrap paper every where. she liked to write little notes, and stick them places. like grocery lists, addresses or telephone numbers, appointment reminders, etc. she would cut paper into small little pieces. we found them everywhere!! all these little cut up pieces of paper! so that when she needed to write a short note, she could just grab a pre-cut piece! when i got back to my dads, i was on the phone with my great-aunt. she was giving me her address, so i opened the junk-drawer to get a piece of paper. lo and behold, there were tons of little pieces of scrap paper that she'd cut! just the size i needed, too! 

it has been very difficult to cope. i am so happy for her, i know she was ready to go. she had lived such a long and difficult life. i'm so selfish, though. i am not ready to live my life without her. she was my best friend, and biggest support. i could call her anytime. and i mean anytime. i get homesick and anxious-panicky a lot. and its usually late at night. i'd call her at midnight crying, and she'd be awake answering "oh, hi dear!", ready to help cheer me up. when i was younger she would always tell me save my tears for something more important. lately she'd say "ohhh don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry" and ask me about happy things to get my mind off my worries. she was the first person i'd call with good news, she was so genuinely happy. 

i must include that she loved jon. every phone call she'd say "how's jon doin', dear?" and when we visited her for christmas last year, jon kissed her cheek goodbye. later, she told me about it. "jon is so nice. he gave me a kiss!" with the biggest smile! she was always saying such funny things. i think the best thing about her was the fact that her body aged, but her sense of humor and personality didn't. i seriously talked to her like i talk to my girlfriends. she and i were girlfriends. we joke around the same way. you know how most old people don't get your jokes? well, she was always right on top of it. sometimes we would be laughing about something, and say the same joke.  

her sons went through her wallet today. they found this in there:

it is the slide of almost this photo:

that little slide is never going to leave my wallet. 

words can't do my gran justice. she was the most amazing influence. the kindest, most genuine, selfless person you'd ever meet. you can't forget her sass. she had a lot of sass, and boy, was it funny. 

(Please read what my two sisters wrote about our Gran here and here. 

It is easy to see why we loved her so much.)

going through her things today, we found a lot of quotes. 

i found these two that i was particularly fond of. 

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning, 

God was going to call your name, 

In life we loved you dearly, 

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, 

You did not go alone, 

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories,

Your love is still our guide

And though we cannot see you, 

You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken, 

And nothing seems the same, 

But as God calls us one by one, 

The chain will link again.

-Unknown

 this next one, i know she meant for us to find. this is exactly how she is, always casual and nonchalant. death is nothing at all. i can imagine her telling these things to me, if she were here right now. 

Death is nothing at all. 

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you, 

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. 

Call me by the old familiar name. 

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone. 

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, 

Without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was. 

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval, Somewhere very near, 

Just 'round the corner.

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

Granny, 

Thank you for everything you have done for my sisters and I. There is nothing we could have ever done to repay you, we will forever be grateful to you and your amazing influence. I can only hope to be as kind, strong, genuine and sincere as you. Thank you for making me laugh all these years, and always being there to congratulate and encourage me. You're my best friend, my very best friend. I'll think about you often, and hope all is well. I love you so much. I am going to miss you terribly; every single day. 

Love you, 

A.J.

All's well that ends well.