life was never worse, but never better..

[originally posted on 3/24/15]
i was admitted to north central baptist hospital at about 4:30pm monday november 24, 9 days after having my baby. they weren't sure where to put me, so i was placed in the postpartum recovery ward. they informed me that i was a patient and jon and prim could sleep in the room with me, but prim wasn't a patient and they wouldn't be able to help us out with her. that was okay with me, and they were still so nice about her being there.
(secret: they still brought us diapers and wipes which we were BEYOND grateful for!)

my dad and jon were here with me as i got checked in. it wasn't fun being back in the hospital, but i was just grateful to be watched over. like i said, the night before this was by far the worst night of my life and i was not about to go through that again without nurses nearby. late that night, long after my dad had gone home, a doctor from postpartum came in to let us know what was going on. they did blood work and let us know that there was an issue with my kidneys which they thought was an infection. he passed my case off to the hospitalist, dr. uzowulu-a very honest doctor from africa. it was pretty scary the night they came in to tell me i was having kidney failure. they didn't have any other answers and could only say that things were really not looking good. i remember watching jon struggle with Prim that night and thinking "what are we going to do? this would all be so much easier without her." 

Tuesday:

they'd come in my room every morning around 5am to draw my blood and i hated it.

while i was home from the hospital (in between visits), my kidneys and whole body hurt so bad that i couldn't take deep breaths. when i would try to catch my breath my body would shake in pain, so i just stuck with shallow breathing. this handy contraption was used by both my father and my father in law when they had open heart surgery. it was a nightmare to get them to blow into it because it was expanding their wired together rib cage and causing them a lot of pain. so when the nurse brought this in i wanted to throw it out the window. of course my rib cage hadn't been broken open, but it still hurt pretty bad to blow into it.

this was the view from my bed in the postpartum ward. jon and the baby slept on the pull out bed way too far away from me. i remember asking one of the nurses what she thought about my husband sleeping with our baby. she said that when people give birth and the baby is a patient they don't allow co-sleeping, but since prim wasn't a patient they really couldn't do anything about it.
this day prim had her appointment at the pediatrician so my dad and jon's dad took her to the appointment. john was wearing a suit because he was working at the temple that evening. while they were gone one of the front desk nurses came into my room to let me know i had a visitor who was wearing a suit. i asked if he had a baby and she said no. i asked if he was with another man and she said no. i just figured it was john, so i told her to let him in. my jon was asleep in the sofa, the lights were all off, and i was topless in my bed with the sheet tucked under my armpits (NO shame at this point) and in walked the elders quorum president. gahh!
when our dads got back from the appointment, they told us that prim had lost even more weight. she was born 8lbs 4oz and at this appointment, 10 days old, she was 7lbs 2oz (i think). it is normal for babies to lose weight in their first couple weeks, but this amount of weight was getting dangerous. john is not a man of very many words and he has never told me what to do. when they got back from the appointment he looked me in the eyes and told me that prim was losing too much weight and this could start affecting her development. he said "this is the last i'm going to speak of this, but in my opinion you need to start supplementing with formula."
at some point this day a guy came in a did a renal sonogram. it was uncomfortable because he had to push the little thing all over my abdomen and kidneys. everything came out normal.

here's prim with her grandma kathy. i was actually standing up for this-her first tummy time experience! she was so cute and didn't cry too much. that night we started to supplement prim's breastfeeding with little amounts of formula. kathy stayed late until john came around 11. she went home and he stayed to help with prim for a few hours into the morning so that jonathan could sleep.

Wednesday:

emotionally, this was the worst day for me. i was 11 days postpartum at this point, and my milk still hadn't come in. i would feed prim as often as possible, pump when she wasn't feeding (when and if i was even up to it) and getting help from the lactation consultants at the hospital. one of the consultants was particularly helpful, her name was tammy. she held my red-in-the-face baby up to my breast and tried to coax her into latching on and didn't judge me when i told her prim looked like a little devil. at this point i was using a nipple shield and trying to entice the baby with gas drops and formula. prim was just screaming bloody murder and while tammy held her up to me, i could see the look in her eyes. she didn't know what else to do, and neither did i. when she left she told me she would come back with a plan for us. while she was gone dr. uzowulu came in to visit with me. this was day 3 in the hospital and there had been no improvements. my numbers were getting worse and my kidneys were losing more function. he stood at the end of the bed and looked at me, looked at my screaming child, then told me i had to stop breastfeeding. he knew that prim was losing weight and knew better than anyone that i was not getting any better. the moment he said this i started to cry, jon started to cry and my dad started to cry. i wanted this so badly. for 9 months i dreamed about breastfeeding my infant, giving her the best thing i could and bonding over the skin to skin contact. he told me that because i was dehydrated and malnourished, prim was not getting any nutrients. my body was trying so hard to provide milk for my baby that it was neglecting the rest of the problems and that is why things continued to get worse. tammy came in with a stack of papers and a plan for my breastfeeding right at the tail end of dr. uzowulu's discussion about quitting. it was poor timing... one of my other favorite nurses, sarah, was in the room with us as well. after the doctor left i just cried and cried. i told her that i was going to start giving prim formula and she said she supported my decision. she said i knew what was best for my child and that if she was in my position, she would do the same thing. 

here is jon giving primmy her first bottle. she latched on with no problem and downed it in no time.

my poor starving baby was so relieved to be getting a full meal. it was very bitter sweet in this moment. i was grateful for jon for supporting my decision and helping me with the baby. he and my dad were very positive about giving her formula although they were sad about how sad i was with the disappointment of quitting breastfeeding. seeing her happy after eating was the consolation i needed.

this is the outfit we brought to the hospital when she was born. if she was a boy she would have gone home in this!

lounging around in the hospital room. there wasn't much to do besides wait around for news from the doctors. (at this point about 5 doctors were on my case-an infectious diseases character, kidney specialist, my OBGYN, the hospitalist, and a couple other randoms)
wednesday i had to drink two full bottles of this gross and weird soda in two hours and couldn't eat or drink anything else. once finished, i had to go get some sort of scan-i think it was an MRI.

wednesday night the doctors decided that postpartum was not the place for me. they wanted me to move up to the PCU (progressive care unit-a step below the ICU) so that i could be monitored more closely. in this picture you can see how swollen i was. the first few days i was in the hospital they put these wraps around my legs that would fill up with air every few minutes to keep the circulation going and prevent blood clots. it made this airy noise that sounded exactly like prim waking up. at this point i was so exhausted and stressed out by breastfeeding and being sick that i would dread the moment prim started to wake up. while we were home in between hospital visits i remember jon and i joking about it, when she'd start to wake up we'd look at each other and say "She smells fear." after a couple days of waking up to that sound i asked the nurses if i could take them off and they said yes.

here we are all settled into the PCU. when i got in the bed they took my weight (pretty cool!), i was 145 pounds. they gave me oxygen and put the heart rate monitor on my finger and sticky things all over my chest. the first night there the nurse gave me ambian to "help me sleep through the night".
Thursday, Thanksgiving:

my sweet baby.

jon's grandpa and grandma came to visit me in the hospital on thanksgiving! i barely remember this. grandma brought me a stuffed bunny that used to be hers and roses; it was a really nice surprise, they don't get out much.

thursday was definitely the worst day of the whole hospital stay. i got a transvaginal ultrasound in the morning (tmi but it was the worst) because they were worried about retained placenta and they found "products of conception". then early in the afternoon i got a gallbladder ultrasound and things were normal for the most part.

here i am with doctor simpson, the lady who delivered primrose!
soon after this photo was taken i went down to get a CT scan. they didn't let me eat or drink before hand and i couldn't get over how thirsty i was. i laid on the hard table for about an hour. i don't really remember this, i was in and out of sleep and was pretty confused. the ambien from the night before still hadn't worn off. as soon as it was over i asked the guy performing it if i could have some water. he gave me a bottle of water but told me i shouldn't drink very much of it and i still couldn't eat because they were sending me directly to the OR for a D&C. during the CT scan Dr. Simpson came in to talk to Jon about the D&C. i was really upset about this, but it was mostly because of how hungry i was-i was pretty out of it. it was thanksgiving and the OR was totally empty except for a few nurses who came in just to help with the procedure; a nurse, a tech and an anesthesiologist. i remember i was shaking really bad and they kept asking me if i was okay. i told them i was okay, just scared. they asked me if i was allergic to anything and when i said no, they strapped my arms down and put medicine in my IV and i was out. while i was getting the procedure, jon was in the empty waiting room watching football. my dad and my father in law brought him down thanksgiving dinner that john and kathy brought from home. it was about 8pm. as soon as i came to i asked about my dad over and over and i was crying. they said he was okay and asked my i was worried and i told them "his wife died in a hospital." certainly they thought i was crazy.

i made sure my family brought ms. prim her deer outfit and her turkey socks for thanksgiving! here i am trying to hold her after the procedure-this was at about 10pm.

i got a blood transfusion after the D&C to make up to the blood i lost during birth. somehow i was smiling and standing-this was after midnight.
friday:
my dad came at about 10am every morning and dressed primrose.

before i had her i went through all of the boy and girl clothes my sister gave me and pulled out everything i thought was gender neutral. turns out 'gender neutral' is actually just boy clothes. she looked like a little boy the whole time i was in the hospital. 

friday was pretty uneventful. i spent the sleepy day recovering from the procedure from the night before, trying to eat and standing up long enough to give primmy a bath!

dr. uzowulu came in and caught me in a rare moment of holding prim on my lap. i was burping her so my hand was under her chin on her chest and her head was resting on my hand. he told me i was choking her and i couldn't hold her like that. he then asked me if this was my first child. if i wasn't so tired, i would have been very offended by this. he looked at me then looked at jon and said, "she looks horrible. why is she so tired?" when jon told him that the nurses had given me an ambien on wednesday AND thursday night, he got really upset. i can't imagine what he said to those nurses. in this same conversation he told jon and i that we really needed to send prim home with our parents-that having her here was not helping anybody. at this point she was 13 days old.

friday night i got another blood transfusion. this was to make up for the blood lost during the d&c.

Saturday:

i was starting to feel a little bit better by saturday. the ambien had totally worn off, i'd started walking outside with my dad and jon and i was eating more.

this angel cared for prim all night every night all by himself.

looking like a girl!

tammy, the lactation consultant, brought me that little giraffe for prim. she was so kind.
we spent most of the day sleeping and being drowsy when awake. i remember saying to my dad "i just can't believe she's already a week old." he was quiet for a minute and softly said "two weeks old."

me and googly eyes about to get a bath! on my bed you can see the ensure (they brought me one for breakfast lunch and dinner and i tried to choke them down-it was the only thing i really ate) and the piece of bread with my one bite taken out of it.

on saturday dr uzowulu came in to let us know my numbers were all mostly improving: things were looking up! he told us again that we needed to send prim home with my in laws. my dad told him that he was the bearer of bad news and he replied that he is saying what the other nurses and doctors are thinking but won't say. he left and came back about five minutes later to say that he wouldn't bring it up again. we decided that he was probably right, jon could use a full nights sleep and so could i. we sent primmy home with john and kathy and it was the hardest thing ever. 

sunday:

at about 830am the nurse left my room so i got up to put my robe on. i heard a knock on the door and i thought it was her again so i yelled "come in". my back was to the door. i was wearing the weird hospital underwear and didn't have anything else on. out of the corner of my eye i saw my kidney doctor who is about 40 come in, look at me then turn around and linger by the door. another embarrassing moment. when i got all covered up i invited him in and woke jon up. the first thing he said was "wow, you're making rounds early." the doctor was quiet and i said to jon, its almost 9am. way funny.

my dad brought our baby back at about 10am on sunday and we were so happy to see her!! 

sunday was another day we spent lying around and sleeping. the doctors all had good news for me, my numbers were getting better and it was looking like i could head home the next day. we sent the baby home with john and kathy for a second night in a row.
monday:
they thought i was well enough to head home! dr. simpson discussed with me that nothing was unusual with my d&c. i started to improve after that procedure, but she believes that thursday would have been my turning point regardless.

here we are coming back from the hospital the second time but what felt like the first. 

it totally freaked me out to be home, i didn't feel well at all and didn't think i was ready to be out of doctor and nurses supervision. i slept all day while my dad and jon dealt with this:

vomit!

utah baby.

i didn't really write about how i hadn't been eating during the week. the doctors kept telling me that eating was the only way i was going to get better. i really, really tried but it was just not enticing to me at all. it was almost painful to eat. one of my favorite nurses was in there when my dad, jon and his parents were scolding me for not eating. later she told me that she agreed with them, thats how i was going to get better, but she wouldn't push me. i got weighed soon after i left the hospital (at one of the million follow up dr's appointments) and i was 120lbs. i'd lost 25 pounds in less than a week.

headband from lyndsi!

my dad finally left on tuesday, a full week after he was supposed to go home. he delayed his flight by a couple days and the night before he was going to go home i called him to ask if he'd delay it again. he did and stayed until i got sent home. i'm so grateful he was there to help us with the baby. it was such a scary experience and although i was happy jon and his family was there for me, i was happy my own dad was too. he kept the rest of my family in the loop while i was boycotting my cellphone. my sisters would call and he'd hold the phone up to me even though i'd whine and tell him over and over i didn't want to talk to them. i didn't want to talk to anybody, i just wanted to sleep and not be in pain. i'm grateful he made me talk to them because they were all so encouraging and made me feel a lot less alone.

here are jon and prim after dropping my dad off at the airport. it was just the three of us for the first time since she was born, we were getting healthy and ready to start over.
the whole experience was nothing short of horrible. i told amanda soon after i got home that i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. things could have been much, much worse. but "even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." (POBAW)

My official discharge diagnosis was:
1. Acute renal insufficiency
2. Pyelonephritis
3. Proteinuria
4. Anemia
5. Malnutrition
6. Cholestasis

home from the hospital. sort of.

well, we got home from the hospital late on tuesday night and the next few days were nothing short of a blur. 

wednesday:

[originally posted on 2/19/15]

prim was still in the sleepy state and didn't open her eyes much. my dad and katie went to the gun range with my FIL while jon and i took the baby on her first walk!

i would daydream about taking my baby on walks my whole pregnancy, i couldn't wait to bundle her up in jon's old pram and get fresh air for both of us. we didn't walk very far, but it was nice to be out together as a family. it's not easy posting photos of me from this week, but i feel it is important. i scare myself when i look at them.

here is a proud daddy! he can't wait until little primmy can off road and camp with us!

on thursday the little darling had her first pediatric appointment:

i can't remember why, but i was crying when jon took this photo of us.

she weighed 7lbs 8oz. it is normal for babies to lose weight in the first couple weeks of life, but there is a point when you start to worry.

she cried during most of her appointment and the nurse practitioner assured us that her weight loss was okay. she was also a lactation consultant and said that if we came back next week she'd help me out. prim was starting to cry any time she was awake and breastfeeding was becoming very challenging. i was using a nipple shield and dousing the shield with grape flavored gas drops so that prim would latch. she'd scream so much that her mouth was bone dry. i'd dip my finger in water, rub it in her mouth and try to get her to latch. 

flowers from my dad. :)

later that day katie and my dad made me get ready so that they could take pictures of me. i tried to hurry while i got ready, but i didn't want to do anything except lay in bed. the pictures were intended for the baby shower my aunt threw me while we were in utah in december, but they didn't actually get used.

the four of us took the baby on a walk, a little further this time, through the neighborhood in the nice weather. 

by this time, jon and i were both exhausted and worn out. prim cried all day long and all through the night. my in laws are up at random times through the night on the regular, so after i would feed prim i'd text them and john would be up to take her to their room. he'd bring her back to me when she got hungry. on thursday night i had another shiver fit. i have a video jon took of me, deep heavy breathing, speaking incomprehensibly-i will spare you all. it was followed by a sweatfest. this is about the time jon started to have a breakdown of his own, so i told him to sleep in the guest room and let katie sleep with me. she and i laid in the bed with prim in between us and talked until we all fell asleep. at 7 am, i had a baby who was inconsolable. i finally took her outside, put her in her buggy, and pushed her around the circle wearing nothing but a diaper and a hat (the baby, not me). jon was asleep in the guest room at this time, so his dad came out and walked with me. he and i said nothing as i pushed my screaming, naked baby around and around our driveway. jon didn't wake up until 11am. he said when he looked at his watch and saw the time he was scared to come up to our room knowing i'd be mad at him. i didn't want to be upset, i knew he needed the sleep as much as i did, but i couldn't help but be jealous of his night of rest. that morning he decided to suck it up and go into deployment mode, he knew he didn't need sleep and complaining wouldn't help a thing. 

friday:

my dad slept at the grandparents house next door and would come over at about 9am. he'd get prim up, pick out an outfit and get her dressed everyday so jon and i could stay in bed. such a saint.

"do you ever forget that her name is prim?"

"i passed out while i was feeding her, twice. i didn't fall asleep, i actually lost consciousness." 

these are some of the things i remember saying to jon. i would close my eyes and have conversations with people out loud, open my eyes and they wouldn't be standing in front of me like they were when my eyes were closed. i kept telling jon over and over that something was wrong with my phone, it wasn't texting right. my eyes couldn't focus and my fingers wouldn't touch the right keys, i couldn't text anybody and thought that it was the phones fault. i would speak and jon wouldn't be able to understand what i was saying. he knew these things were weird, but just thought that i was even more tired than he was. i'd had two of those crazy shiver fits since being home. during one of them, jon fetched his dad to help give me a blessing. they put their hands on my head and jon started bawling. after the blessing and after falling asleep, i woke up to jon crying next to me. i was so exhausted that i couldn't console him or even say anything. i felt so lethargic, especially when i was in and out of sleep during the nights. he was so scared seeing me in such a state, these were bad, bad times.

we wanted to show my dad and sister jon's school, so on friday we packed up and made the trek out to his campus! it was raining and cold, we thought it was supposed to be a nice day so we didn't take jackets. i was wearing sandals and immediately got nervous about the weather, i knew all too well what would happen if i got cold. this time i wasn't home, though. we walked all the way to the bookstore and began shopping around. i was getting chilled and asked jon to please buy me a sweater. i kept asking my dad if i could just push prim back to the car and have them meet me there. i couldn't walk very fast and knew they'd catch up to me in no time, but he kept telling me no and that they were almost ready to go. the day they made me get out of bed and get dressed for pictures, this friday when they took me away from home to walk around jon's campus: they weren't being mean. they thought that i was being lazy and needed fresh air, no one knew how sick i was. i didn't know that this wasn't normal for a new mom, everything as horrible and i thought thats just how it was for everybody.

 jon bought me a hoodie and we all hurried back to the car just in time for me to have a freeze out. this whole situation was horrible because my dad and katie both get carsick very easily and were crammed into the back with prim's carseat. the heat was on full blast while i sat shivering in the front. we were in the horrible san antonio traffic and we were all hungry-lets just say it was not a fun evening for anybody. 

Prim was 6 days old on friday and we realized she hadn't even had a bath yet! we bathed her while she screamed and my dad and katie looked on. 

we put her in jon's baby outfit and jon sat on the yoga ball and talked to her for forty minutes. he told her all about his land cruiser, moab, disneyland, etc. i laid in bed watching him with her, she wouldn't take her eyes off of him. 

saturday:

katie's birthday!!! she and my dad went to the caverns near our house and to the gun range to celebrate.

while they were out, i made katie a texas sheet cake! she's never liked birthday cake, so all growing up my gran would make a sheet cake on her birthday. she shot guns, rode the horse, went site seeing, had texas sheet cake and rudy's barbecue for dinner. it was a very texan birthday indeed!

sitting on this wooden chair was the worst. i was in so much pain in my vagina and most importantly, my lower back. jon's dad sits in a comfy office chair at the dinner table. he let me sit on it most of the time while i was pregnant and now that i wasn't, i didn't feel right about taking it from him. jon made me though, he knew how much pain i was in. i couldn't get comfortable on that chair either and didn't stay downstairs for long.

katie made this onsie for our mystery gendered baby and gave it to me for my first month of pregnancy!
saturday:

katie was supposed to leave on friday so that she could be home for her birthday, but she extended her flight to be with us until sunday. i was so happy she did, but i didn't want her to leave on sunday either. before she left, we took the bows out and shot them. that is one of my favorite things, but i could only shoot it a couple times. katie liked it and my dad got a bullseye! she left at about 11am and i spent the rest of the day in bed. Ashton and aaron came over in the afternoon and brought smash burger to us. i remember eating half of my burger and discreetly folding the rest up in the wrap, i felt guilty not finishing the food they gave us. the boys went out to the back to shoot the bow and arrows and ashton and i sat on my bed and talked. my lips were chapped and my mouth was so dry i could barely talk. i was so exhausted and disoriented that keeping up with the conversation was extremely difficult. nothing i was trying to say was coming out right and i kept thinking that ashton was going to think i was insane. 

my dad took these while i grumbled from bed. i kept trying to tell them to get my engagement ring for the pictures, but neither of them paid attention to me.
sunday night was by far the worst. i had so much pain radiating from my back that i slept out in our living room on the sofa so i could sleep on my side. my in laws had the baby all night, john would bring her up to me every few hours so that i could feed her and i'd just cry and cry. he definitely saw me at my worst. he was exhausted too, but tried not to show it. my jon was exhausted and couldn't do anything to help. he slept out on the sofa with me.
i should include that during this week i hadn't been drinking or eating, though it is not something i noticed. one morning john offered to bring me breakfast and i requested half an egg on half a piece of toast. he questioned this and i reiterated it to him. katie saw him making it for me and was very worried. i knew i had to be hydrating myself in order to be successful breastfeeding, and i truly thought i was. my mouth was so dry that talking was difficult and my lips have never been so chapped in my life. my vicodin had run out mid-week and i started taking as much ibuprofen as i could. i had alarms set all throughout the day so that i knew exactly when i could get another dose.
monday:

(these pictures are so funny to me. my dad bought me this wrap and kept trying to get me to try it on. i didn't have the strength to stand up for very long to figure it out, so he watched youtube videos and put it on himself.)

this was the day that everything finally came to a head. i was supposed to have a webcam job interview with my sister in laws company as well as a vet appointment for my dog. that morning, like every other morning, it took everything in me to get out of bed and put clothes on. i remember walking to the bathroom and looking at myself hunched over in the mirror. out loud i said "dad. this is NOT normal. i am over a week postpartum, i should be able to stand up straight." that's when he said "call the doctor." i called and set up appointment with a random doctor at my ob. i did my hair and make up, got dressed from the waist up (hey, it was an interview over the computer, he wouldn't know i was wearing leggings), and packed prim's diaper bag. everything was still sort of a mess because my interview was supposed to be like 45 minutes after my appointment, so my dad and jon were going to drop me off and find a starbucks that had good internet so i could interview right after my appointment. 

sitting in the waiting room by myself, i started to cry. prim was out in the parking lot with my dad and husband and i was upstairs alone for the first time in almost a year. i remember my sister telling me that going to the bathroom after being pregnant was weird because she was actually alone, no baby in there to be her constant companion. i cried because i was in so much pain, everything had been so challenging, and i wasn't ready to be away from my baby. they called me back and started asking me questions like 'when was your last period' and 'are you breastfeeding?' i had to go to the bathroom and asked the nurse if i should collect my urine, she told me no. when the doctor came in to see me, he tapped on my back on both sides and i cringed in pain, he said he was pretty sure it was a kidney infection and that they would need a urine sample. i told him that i had just gone to the bathroom and the nurse told me not to save it, he said she'd have to give me a catheter. the nurse came in, had me spread my legs and started digging around for my urethra. here i am, 9 days postpartum with stitches and a supposed kidney infection, and she is all up in my business. it literally took her 15 minutes. by this time jon had come up to be with me and i was squeezing his hand moaning and groaning in pain. i kept saying, "that really hurts on the left side!! are you sure you're not touching my stitches???" she kept assuring me that she wasn't and continued to try to figure this out. it's as though she's never put in a catheter before!!!!!! finally, fifteen minutes later, she got it in and had to nerve to smile at me. i asked her "what is going on here on the left side? it really hurts." she said "oh, that's where your stitches are." i've never wanted to kill a woman so badly! i asked my dad to bring prim up to me since it was taking a lot longer than expected and i called to cancel my interview. the guy was very nice, he and his wife have a few kids so he understood. the doctor came back in and informed us that i did indeed have a kidney infection. he gave me two options-he could get me medication and send me home, or send me over to the hospital. jon told me later he thought to himself "i hope we don't have to go to the hospital." before even thinking twice about it i said "i want to go to the hospital." i had been in excruciating pain for too many days, i was not about to go home without getting this figured out. my dad brought prim up to me and i carried her in my lap while the nurses wheeled me across a skybridge to the hospital.