post secret.

SOMETIMES JUST THE ACT OF SHARING A PAINFUL SECRET 

CAN RELIEVE SOME OF THE PAIN.

"I yelled at her for weeks about how wrong her abortion was. But she still held my hand when I had one."

"Everywhere I look, people have found someone to share their lives with. I don't think anyone is looking for me."



"I loved him more than anyone else ever will. But I don't miss him."

"Now that I'm happy, I hardly ever read postsecret anymore."

now i know.

it shouldnt hurt.
i deserved it.
and i saw it coming.

but it still hurts.
a lot.
even though i saw it coming.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
maybe this quote by Marilyn Monroe will ring true once again.
just maybe.

don't read if you have a weak stomach.

or as weak as mine. because mine already hurts and i havent even started writing.

so what is one thing i hate more then hearing people describe in explicit detail the dream that they had the night before?

describing my own dreams to people in explicit detail.

"So I had this dream last night..."
"...oh yeah..."
"No I know what you're thinking....but this one was really funny! So we were at your house, and we were cuddling! It was so weird....we were watching Mean Girls of course, and suddenly I look down, and you are not you. You are your mom!"
"...um where is this...going.."
"Well yeah....I guess it wasnt...that funny..."

anyway here i go.

describing the dream that i had last night. or was it a nightmare? i hated it. when i woke up i was very upset. am i kidding? no.

so my dream started out with me sitting at a table. looking down at poor oscar, sitting on my plate.
alive.
looking at me.

kind of like that, but looking at me. and his legs were sticking out.

and with a fork and knife...
i was cutting pieces of his leg off.
and i was eating it.
and he was still ALIVE!
it tasted like chicken for the first few bites. but then when i realized what was happening, the meat in my mouth started to feel gooey and tasted like raw meat.
i am a vegetarian.

that is when i lept from my seat at the table and ran to my dad. well, oscar had the same idea, and he was running SO FAST!!! he was running sooo fast and running up my back with his little claws and little legs and shell and beady eyes. so i was running all around! screaming for my dad to help me! and to make him stop! and i was running around my aunt camille's house, jumping on the couches. well, it knew how to jump! and jumped onto the couch and onto my shoulder! I was a panicked mess and my dad was laughing like he does! laughing so hard and saying "look how fast he can run!!"

thats when i woke up. sick and upset and mad and confused and i seriously shudder whenever i think about it. this post was actually difficult to write, it makes me cringe. i hate touching that turtle! i actually never have....

example A.

example B.

example C.

well this morning when i went to say my usual morning goodbyes to oscar, i couldnt do it.
i could absolutely not make eye contact with him.

hello, it has been awhile.

sad
an annoying term that teenage girls (especially in murray, utah) use quite frequently...even when the situation is not sad at all
"oh SAD!!!!!!!!!"

i can't decide if that urban dictionary entry posted in 2003 is cool or embarrassing.....i think its embarrassing.

so lately i've LOVED my life outside of the home. i did really well in school the first half of the semester, so now that i have friends again (....) i can start slacking off!!

i have had so much fun with kalie. she is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

along with this one.

i have been friends with this kid since 2nd grade. it is so funny hanging out with him, because we can talk about elementary school teachers, drama that happened in 8th grade, and reminisce about high school dances. he is one of the funniest kids i know, it is so fun hanging out with him. me, him, kalie and spencer are just such a good mix. they are my current best friends and watching movies and eating brownies with them every night is better than anything else.
jon will be going to boot camp in may for the marines, so i'm so so soo happy that JILL IS MOVING IN WITH ME!!

i think that we have spent every summer together (minus maybe one) since i was 14. she is the cutest, funniest girl in the world, has been said to quote "the happiest girls are the prettiest girls." (such wisdom) and always reminds me that girls arent always the ones that have to get played ( ;) ). i am so excited for what to future has to offer, even though its hard giving certain things up. but sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

outtakes

these are the mess ups. soo funny.

Don't Trust Me

enjoy!

SF.

i'm in san francisco with my two besties.
we got on a plane at 8 am this morning, flew to oakland, took a bus to the airbart (hmm). took the subway looking thing downtown and then took the trolley to our hotel. its been a long hard day :)
just kidding. then we walked around fishermans wharf and looked at the sea lions and ate ghiradellis chocolate.
now we're about to take a nap. i'm having fun, i love them. and have missed them.