i want to give up.
"Heart of Life"
John Mayer
I hate to see you cry lying there in that position.
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But i know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But i know the heart of life is good.
I know it's good.
but i will keep on doing my thing.
and hope for a break .
Monday, February 9, 2009
15.
this song makes me so sad.
"15."
You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors, it's the mornin' of your very first day. You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while, try to stay out of everybody's way.
It's your freshman year, and you're gonna be here for the next 4 years in this town, hopin one of those Senior boys will wink at you and say "You know, I haven't seen you around...before."
Count to ten. Take it in. This is life before you know who you're gonna be.
Fifteen.
You sit in class next to a red-head named Abigail, and soon enough you're best friends, laughin at the other girls who they think they're so cool.
We'll be out of here as soon as we can.
And then you're on your very first date.
And he's got a car.
And you're feelin like flyin.
And you're thinkin' he's the one, and you're dancin around the room and when the night ends...when the night ends.
But in your life you'll do things greater than datin the boy on the football team, but I didn't know it at fifteen.
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday...
But I realized some bigger dreams in life.
Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.
and we both cried.
Cuz when you're fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.
And when you're fifteen,
Don't forget to look before you fall.
I've found time can heal most anything
and you just might find who you're supposed to be.
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen.
"15."
You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors, it's the mornin' of your very first day. You say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while, try to stay out of everybody's way.
It's your freshman year, and you're gonna be here for the next 4 years in this town, hopin one of those Senior boys will wink at you and say "You know, I haven't seen you around...before."
Count to ten. Take it in. This is life before you know who you're gonna be.
Fifteen.
You sit in class next to a red-head named Abigail, and soon enough you're best friends, laughin at the other girls who they think they're so cool.
We'll be out of here as soon as we can.
And then you're on your very first date.
And he's got a car.
And you're feelin like flyin.
And you're thinkin' he's the one, and you're dancin around the room and when the night ends...when the night ends.
But in your life you'll do things greater than datin the boy on the football team, but I didn't know it at fifteen.
When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday...
But I realized some bigger dreams in life.
Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.
and we both cried.
Cuz when you're fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.
And when you're fifteen,
Don't forget to look before you fall.
I've found time can heal most anything
and you just might find who you're supposed to be.
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
big girls don't cry. (religious post)
and neither do i.
usually...
before three days ago, i couldn't remember the last time i cried.
usually it is if my sisters are being mean to me (AMANDA) or my dad is making me feel bad about certain billz or getting in a certain wreck that cost me/us $600 or something dad-like along those lines, or its when I'm alone and I'm driving and I'm listening to a song that gets me every time.
it reminds me of that boy.
or those boys.
the boys i really did like but didn't know i liked at the time and now they've moved on to bigger (not literally) and better (not physically) women.
the boys that all started and ended the same.
said that same things.
from Sarah B's "Love Song"
"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear."
which actually ends up being all of the same things.
boys are soo typical but that's not the point.
the point is.
that i cry now.
hi maybe my hormones are off balance or i haven't been getting enough chocolate or maybe I've been getting too much thinking time.
but it might just be because I'm lonely
i mean really lonely.
and it may or may not be because everyone, or almost everyone, but i use 'everyone' for better dramatics, has become serious in a relationship.
but me.
father, best friend #1, best friend #2, exhsboyfriend #1, exwehookeduponcebutitwasoneofthebesthookupseverbf#2, exmajorhistorybfthatimthesaddestabout #3, exyouwishwewerebfgfbutididnt #4, and iwishweeveractuallybecamebfgf #5. (the term bf is used very loosely and applies when he's a man that i hung out with for weeks on end, hooked up with maybe only just once, or really actually dated or really actually became bfgf with.)
so here i am bestfriendless boyfriendless fatherless and therefore distraught and lonely.
in church today, we talked about Christ.
the relief society told us the new theme for our RS.
"His love is ENOUGH"
and i wanted to cry.
Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
so encouraging.
usually...
before three days ago, i couldn't remember the last time i cried.
usually it is if my sisters are being mean to me (AMANDA) or my dad is making me feel bad about certain billz or getting in a certain wreck that cost me/us $600 or something dad-like along those lines, or its when I'm alone and I'm driving and I'm listening to a song that gets me every time.
it reminds me of that boy.
or those boys.
the boys i really did like but didn't know i liked at the time and now they've moved on to bigger (not literally) and better (not physically) women.
the boys that all started and ended the same.
said that same things.
from Sarah B's "Love Song"
"I learned the hard way, that they all say things you want to hear."
which actually ends up being all of the same things.
boys are soo typical but that's not the point.
the point is.
that i cry now.
hi maybe my hormones are off balance or i haven't been getting enough chocolate or maybe I've been getting too much thinking time.
but it might just be because I'm lonely
i mean really lonely.
and it may or may not be because everyone, or almost everyone, but i use 'everyone' for better dramatics, has become serious in a relationship.
but me.
father, best friend #1, best friend #2, exhsboyfriend #1, exwehookeduponcebutitwasoneofthebesthookupseverbf#2, exmajorhistorybfthatimthesaddestabout #3, exyouwishwewerebfgfbutididnt #4, and iwishweeveractuallybecamebfgf #5. (the term bf is used very loosely and applies when he's a man that i hung out with for weeks on end, hooked up with maybe only just once, or really actually dated or really actually became bfgf with.)
so here i am bestfriendless boyfriendless fatherless and therefore distraught and lonely.
in church today, we talked about Christ.
the relief society told us the new theme for our RS.
"His love is ENOUGH"
and i wanted to cry.
Doctrine and Covenants 84:88
And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.
so encouraging.
random facts.
*In all my 15 years of schooling, I've fallen asleep in class one time. In the same respect, I've probably watched 10 movies in my whole life from beginning to end without falling asleep. Its like movies are my lullaby.
*I literally get sick to my stomach when I see gross things like blood, people crashing on their skateboards, toenails falling off, war movies, etc.... I was at the dentist today and he was talking to me about how he was going to remove my wisdom teeth and talking about sockets and stitches blah blah and I left his office feeling sick.
*Most of the time I can front that I'm not ticklish. Bryson used to tickle me day in and day out so I finally was able to take it and pretend it didn't tickle. But I'm very ticklish.
*I look forward to every Thursday night when I get paid because I LOVE writing down a list of what money goes where and how to pay this off and how much this adds up to. It really is my favorite day of the week, but in high school I loathed math...
*I think my laugh changes like once every six months. Its so weird... Right now it kind of resembles Nicole Richie's laugh in the Simple Life 1 when she was chubby and really annoying. But keep in mind, that's just it echoing around in my empty head, I don't actually know if it resembles her laugh.
*I literally get sick to my stomach when I see gross things like blood, people crashing on their skateboards, toenails falling off, war movies, etc.... I was at the dentist today and he was talking to me about how he was going to remove my wisdom teeth and talking about sockets and stitches blah blah and I left his office feeling sick.
*Most of the time I can front that I'm not ticklish. Bryson used to tickle me day in and day out so I finally was able to take it and pretend it didn't tickle. But I'm very ticklish.
*I look forward to every Thursday night when I get paid because I LOVE writing down a list of what money goes where and how to pay this off and how much this adds up to. It really is my favorite day of the week, but in high school I loathed math...
*I think my laugh changes like once every six months. Its so weird... Right now it kind of resembles Nicole Richie's laugh in the Simple Life 1 when she was chubby and really annoying. But keep in mind, that's just it echoing around in my empty head, I don't actually know if it resembles her laugh.
6 of them!!!!
i was in bed.
thinking about the blog i needed to write tomorrow.
on February 1st.
remember last February 1st? REMEMBER? when i posted that blog entry about how chase had been gone for six months? well, i deleted that entry because a certain boy of the past wanted to see my blog, so i deleted it. which tells a lot about how these 18 months have gone.
one year ago! i was in new york, just moved to queens.
cold.
no hot water.
rainy.
so homesick.
and still in love with chase.
now here i am.
cold.
in a house full of girls whom i have grown to love.
freezing weather outside, but not raining for days on end (which one is worse?)
still homesick.
and still in love with chase.
there are 6 months til chase comes home.
found that it was 186 days (if every month has 31 days....which is doesn't...which means its less than 186 days).
which makes me really nervous. and not the ha ha kind of nervous that i laugh off until 2 days before he comes home.
its the "Hi, I suffer from severe anxiety, so it's different when i get nervous."
it causes my heartbeat to become rapid, it causes me to become QUITE shaky (inside and out). it makes my head want to explode and it makes me want to RUN. it makes me want to run for 20 miles, or 1,918 miles to new orleans, louisiana so i can knock on the missionaries door, ask for "elder busath" and ask him. ask him whats going to happen.
or rather
TELL ME whats going to happen in 6 months. 26 weeks. 186 days (or less).
but instead i just sit here and shake. and worry. and question. and trip. (if you will.)
so much has happened in 18 months.
i've found out who i am. who i really really am.
i've gone from
rebounding
to fleeing
to playing the field
to settling.
and now i've settled again. with myself. settled with being settle and settled with staying home and doing homework, and going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 for work. and having a normal life
normal schedule
normal work day
sans: any boy.
i've realized that i loved chase. i really did, and it was the pure kind of love. the kind where you can watch him doing the thing you hate the very most and you can laugh. laugh because you want to be mad but you can't because he's so cute doing it. the kind of love where you don't want to do anything without them. going to work is hard because you just want to stay on the roof and talk until the next day or forever. the kind where you can sit in a car for 2 hours and just laugh. really laugh. and cry because he's leaving in two weeks and you're both too scared to talk about it and too scared to think about whats going to happen in 3 weeks when you can't call him crying, and he can't call anyone.
and i still do love him. the same kind of love but a little different.
i can 'hate' him for not writing me for 2 months but forget all the anger that had built up right when i see "ALEXANDRA" written in graffiti on a full envelope sitting on my counter.
i can talk to him for 16 minutes but have those 16 minutes be the best 16 minutes that i've had in over a year, and be questioning my decision to send him off and to date other people and to 'not wait' but really actually wait. question it all until i hear him sigh and say he misses me too.
and i can see that face. those bright blue eyes and that "huge smile" standing next to something really stupid but on the back say something like "remember the elephant in the room?" or "i can't wait to bring you here with my POPPAAS PLASTIC!"
but i've also realized that i can love someone else. i can't say i've fallen in love while he's been gone, but it was possible. and it is possible. and that scares me. but makes me really happy. because if he comes home and realizes he doesn't like me, or i don't like him, or it just won't work.
i might be fine.
it might take a few months.....
but i'll be fine. because i can find someone else. and actually love someone else. maybe even the pure kind of love.
and now everyone reading this thinks i'm on drugs or drinking and maybe i'm doing both and trying to hide it because i'm only 20 and that seems illegal, but maybe my anxiety is just flaring up so i can't really go sit still in my bed and try to sleep because all i can think about is how fast this month went by and how all i need to do is times that by six and he'll be home and i'll be driving to his house so effing nervous that i might wreck and not have to deal with any of this.
ughhh.
i am saying a lot of things.
having a missionary is so hard.
thinking about the blog i needed to write tomorrow.
on February 1st.
FEBRUARY 1st!!!!!
that is a land mark.remember last February 1st? REMEMBER? when i posted that blog entry about how chase had been gone for six months? well, i deleted that entry because a certain boy of the past wanted to see my blog, so i deleted it. which tells a lot about how these 18 months have gone.
one year ago! i was in new york, just moved to queens.
cold.
no hot water.
rainy.
so homesick.
and still in love with chase.
now here i am.
cold.
in a house full of girls whom i have grown to love.
freezing weather outside, but not raining for days on end (which one is worse?)
still homesick.
and still in love with chase.
there are 6 months til chase comes home.
26 weeks.
i know this because as i was falling asleep, i did the math.found that it was 186 days (if every month has 31 days....which is doesn't...which means its less than 186 days).
which makes me really nervous. and not the ha ha kind of nervous that i laugh off until 2 days before he comes home.
its the "Hi, I suffer from severe anxiety, so it's different when i get nervous."
it causes my heartbeat to become rapid, it causes me to become QUITE shaky (inside and out). it makes my head want to explode and it makes me want to RUN. it makes me want to run for 20 miles, or 1,918 miles to new orleans, louisiana so i can knock on the missionaries door, ask for "elder busath" and ask him. ask him whats going to happen.
or rather
TELL ME whats going to happen in 6 months. 26 weeks. 186 days (or less).
but instead i just sit here and shake. and worry. and question. and trip. (if you will.)
so much has happened in 18 months.
i've found out who i am. who i really really am.
i've gone from
rebounding
to fleeing
to playing the field
to settling.
and now i've settled again. with myself. settled with being settle and settled with staying home and doing homework, and going to bed at 10 and waking up at 7 for work. and having a normal life
normal schedule
normal work day
sans: any boy.
i've realized that i loved chase. i really did, and it was the pure kind of love. the kind where you can watch him doing the thing you hate the very most and you can laugh. laugh because you want to be mad but you can't because he's so cute doing it. the kind of love where you don't want to do anything without them. going to work is hard because you just want to stay on the roof and talk until the next day or forever. the kind where you can sit in a car for 2 hours and just laugh. really laugh. and cry because he's leaving in two weeks and you're both too scared to talk about it and too scared to think about whats going to happen in 3 weeks when you can't call him crying, and he can't call anyone.
and i still do love him. the same kind of love but a little different.
i can 'hate' him for not writing me for 2 months but forget all the anger that had built up right when i see "ALEXANDRA" written in graffiti on a full envelope sitting on my counter.
i can talk to him for 16 minutes but have those 16 minutes be the best 16 minutes that i've had in over a year, and be questioning my decision to send him off and to date other people and to 'not wait' but really actually wait. question it all until i hear him sigh and say he misses me too.
and i can see that face. those bright blue eyes and that "huge smile" standing next to something really stupid but on the back say something like "remember the elephant in the room?" or "i can't wait to bring you here with my POPPAAS PLASTIC!"
but i've also realized that i can love someone else. i can't say i've fallen in love while he's been gone, but it was possible. and it is possible. and that scares me. but makes me really happy. because if he comes home and realizes he doesn't like me, or i don't like him, or it just won't work.
i might be fine.
it might take a few months.....
but i'll be fine. because i can find someone else. and actually love someone else. maybe even the pure kind of love.
and now everyone reading this thinks i'm on drugs or drinking and maybe i'm doing both and trying to hide it because i'm only 20 and that seems illegal, but maybe my anxiety is just flaring up so i can't really go sit still in my bed and try to sleep because all i can think about is how fast this month went by and how all i need to do is times that by six and he'll be home and i'll be driving to his house so effing nervous that i might wreck and not have to deal with any of this.
ughhh.
i am saying a lot of things.
having a missionary is so hard.
but he comes home in 6 months.
and that makes me awfully happy.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
best and worst of 2008.
i was not tagged.
but i was intrigued.
Favorite shampoo/conditioner: I usually switch it up because i'm nervous that my hair will 'get used to' the shampoo i'm using. i mostly used biolage though and during the summer i used the john freida blonde shampoo and it actually lightened my hair. so my fave is biolage and my least fave is herbal essences. sorry lizzie, i dont like the smell. and it makes your hair fall out.
Favorite hair product: as bad as this sounds amanda...probably my hair spray. i bought it over the internet so i didnt know what it was like or anything, but it works so well !
c-system
its enviornmentally friendly and smells awful, but it is areosol so its not too much and never too little.
its probably also my least favorite hair product because i'm sure i can get an enviornmentally friendly aerosol that works just as well and actually smells good! love/hate
Favorite makeup: bare minerals and mac mascara. i got the dazzle lash which i love but it ran out really fast, so i do not reccomend it. but i usually like mac's mascara, chanel mascara with the rubber wand is also really good. and not that expensive.
Favorite perfume: i love chanel: chance and vera wang: princess.
least favorite is all of the celebrities perfume that they put out and probably never smelled. they all smell tacky. and i dont like marc jacobs.
Favorite Vitamin: what is that? i remember taking a tiny pink pill every day when i was little and i loved it.....i dont know anything about it anymore though so i'll probably never have it again...
Diet Supplement: dont take any diet supplements....
Favorite must have of all time: well. lame but the medicated chap stick.
utah requires chapstick at all times. men and women. (its my favorite thing to see boys unload their pockets and have chapstick in it. it seems so feminine, but so normal). the medicated kind tingles, ps.
Now on to more of my faveys:
Favorite store: of 08? macy's! saved me. i loved american apparel, urban outfitters, and H&M in ny, though. cheap and fun clothing.
Favorite Jeans: my joes have been my best friend since high school. fit like a glove.
Favorite shoes: my sandals!
all of them! i'm such a sucker.
Favorite movie(s): juno, definitely.
second fave: because i said so.
i hated the dark knight.
Favorite Restaurant: i loved ruby tuesday's in new york because they had spinach artichoke dip and free refills. that is very rare in the city!
Favorite TV show(s): gosssippppp girllll.
Favorite books: i havent read much this year.
sad...
thats all! i'd like to hear what you guys loved and hated about 08? i know its kind of late for these posts, but lets reminisce.
but i was intrigued.
Favorite shampoo/conditioner: I usually switch it up because i'm nervous that my hair will 'get used to' the shampoo i'm using. i mostly used biolage though and during the summer i used the john freida blonde shampoo and it actually lightened my hair. so my fave is biolage and my least fave is herbal essences. sorry lizzie, i dont like the smell. and it makes your hair fall out.
Favorite hair product: as bad as this sounds amanda...probably my hair spray. i bought it over the internet so i didnt know what it was like or anything, but it works so well !
c-system
its enviornmentally friendly and smells awful, but it is areosol so its not too much and never too little.
its probably also my least favorite hair product because i'm sure i can get an enviornmentally friendly aerosol that works just as well and actually smells good! love/hate
Favorite makeup: bare minerals and mac mascara. i got the dazzle lash which i love but it ran out really fast, so i do not reccomend it. but i usually like mac's mascara, chanel mascara with the rubber wand is also really good. and not that expensive.
Favorite perfume: i love chanel: chance and vera wang: princess.
least favorite is all of the celebrities perfume that they put out and probably never smelled. they all smell tacky. and i dont like marc jacobs.
Favorite Vitamin: what is that? i remember taking a tiny pink pill every day when i was little and i loved it.....i dont know anything about it anymore though so i'll probably never have it again...
Diet Supplement: dont take any diet supplements....
Favorite must have of all time: well. lame but the medicated chap stick.
utah requires chapstick at all times. men and women. (its my favorite thing to see boys unload their pockets and have chapstick in it. it seems so feminine, but so normal). the medicated kind tingles, ps.
Now on to more of my faveys:
Favorite store: of 08? macy's! saved me. i loved american apparel, urban outfitters, and H&M in ny, though. cheap and fun clothing.
Favorite Jeans: my joes have been my best friend since high school. fit like a glove.
Favorite shoes: my sandals!
all of them! i'm such a sucker.
Favorite movie(s): juno, definitely.
second fave: because i said so.
i hated the dark knight.
Favorite Restaurant: i loved ruby tuesday's in new york because they had spinach artichoke dip and free refills. that is very rare in the city!
Favorite TV show(s): gosssippppp girllll.
Favorite books: i havent read much this year.
sad...
thats all! i'd like to hear what you guys loved and hated about 08? i know its kind of late for these posts, but lets reminisce.
Monday, January 5, 2009
all the single babies.
california was a blast. bfs, gfs, single ladies, eating out, new years eve, boys, lots of sleeping, suffering for a whole week with a messy room and cold foggy weather.
amanda and i didn't even fight the whole time! she is the best, and yes we are twins.
we went to chino hills to hang out with our favorite uncle, Brent! and his wife Bev, and her daughter and kids. It was so much fun! the weather was fabulous. we had a bbq (he talked me into eating chicken....), went swimming, played wii and laughed!
i also met up with one of my best girlfriends! stephanie! we met via melodramtic.com in 9th grade? maybe 10th. we started writing each other because she saw that i was LDS. we were then pen pals through melo, email, myspace, texting, facebook and now blogging! our friendship has progressed like the technologies have. she talked me through the ups and downs, the break ups, make ups, the cute things he'd do and the fights and drama of bryson and i. she saw me fall in love with chase and send him off, and shared every detail of all the boyfriends, break ups, and hook ups in between, before, and since. i met her boyfriend this weekend for the first time! he is so funny and so nice. they are too cute together. it was the highlight of my week!
i hung out with john keiter and friends, too. we had a bonfire in newport. it was fun to see people from home in another state, always a good time. john keiter is such the fun starter. i saw lauren and aubrey too, love them.
it was a good week in california! its so fun to go visit there, especially since now i have some friends there, too (okay..one) that i can hang out with when amanda is busy with a bf. (winky face)
when i left california, i flew to las vegas. i met a missionary who was from chicago, serving in new york, dating a girl from las vegas and going to school at BYU-I. we became 'friends' and when he got off his mission we kept in touch via texting. he got back together with the girl who waited two whole years for him, and they got engaged and married! so i went to his reception in LV with some other guys from the mission, it was so much fun to see them. las vegas wasnt too eventful because i was only there for less than 24 hours but i still had fun. and even got to see pam, lindsay, and marissa! they were kind enough to let me stay the night at their house!
this is the only picture i have from las vegas. i dont even remember where we were.
i got home sunday, tired, a little grumpy, and sick. thanks amanda. happy new year everyone ! :)
amanda and i didn't even fight the whole time! she is the best, and yes we are twins.
we went to chino hills to hang out with our favorite uncle, Brent! and his wife Bev, and her daughter and kids. It was so much fun! the weather was fabulous. we had a bbq (he talked me into eating chicken....), went swimming, played wii and laughed!
i also met up with one of my best girlfriends! stephanie! we met via melodramtic.com in 9th grade? maybe 10th. we started writing each other because she saw that i was LDS. we were then pen pals through melo, email, myspace, texting, facebook and now blogging! our friendship has progressed like the technologies have. she talked me through the ups and downs, the break ups, make ups, the cute things he'd do and the fights and drama of bryson and i. she saw me fall in love with chase and send him off, and shared every detail of all the boyfriends, break ups, and hook ups in between, before, and since. i met her boyfriend this weekend for the first time! he is so funny and so nice. they are too cute together. it was the highlight of my week!
i hung out with john keiter and friends, too. we had a bonfire in newport. it was fun to see people from home in another state, always a good time. john keiter is such the fun starter. i saw lauren and aubrey too, love them.
it was a good week in california! its so fun to go visit there, especially since now i have some friends there, too (okay..one) that i can hang out with when amanda is busy with a bf. (winky face)
when i left california, i flew to las vegas. i met a missionary who was from chicago, serving in new york, dating a girl from las vegas and going to school at BYU-I. we became 'friends' and when he got off his mission we kept in touch via texting. he got back together with the girl who waited two whole years for him, and they got engaged and married! so i went to his reception in LV with some other guys from the mission, it was so much fun to see them. las vegas wasnt too eventful because i was only there for less than 24 hours but i still had fun. and even got to see pam, lindsay, and marissa! they were kind enough to let me stay the night at their house!
this is the only picture i have from las vegas. i dont even remember where we were.
i got home sunday, tired, a little grumpy, and sick. thanks amanda. happy new year everyone ! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)